Saturday, August 30, 2008

Some Thoughts on R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet

Rather than detail the funniest parts, thus *giving everything away* in case you haven't yet seen these for yourself... because this is something EVERYONE should see for themselves... I will merely detail why you should watch it.

It involves: pimps, midgets, gay dudes, lesbians, cops, prisoners, people passing out and/or shitting themselves, and mafia guys - all via melodies set to the tune of rampant extramarital affairs. (It's like the whole thing takes place on Cheating Day - which I'm pretty sure is Lupercale, or the Beltane festival.)

You can find out what R. Kelly would sound like as a Southern woman. You can also see what R. Kelly would look like if he was really old and fat. Or a pimp with a sp-sp-speech impediment. (I would say, "R. Kelly is like the Eddie Murphy of music videos," but that seems too complimentary to Eddie Murphy.)

Also, we find that R. Kelly (his character) sleeps with a Beretta. I had no clue the Beretta was so versatile...

R. Kelly (in real life) has gone on record to state that the series will end, and I quote, "...when the aliens say it's over." In response to this statement, I have written a brief letter to god.

Dear god,
Please let Trapped in the Closet end with aliens.
The "outer-space" kind.
Thank you god, R. Kelly, and aliens. Santa, I guess, too.
Dave of Apocalypse

Friday, August 29, 2008

My Love for Unemployed Skeletor

Not 'love' in a dirty way, but love in the sense of sheer joy.

Those of you who know me know that the last year or so hasn't exactly been good for me and mine. But, I was able to persevere. Largely because I believe that your sense of humor plays into your sense of everythings-gonna-be-okay.

So, without further ado - let me take my hat off to Unemployed Skeletor.

Flexing for my logo

I could be having the worst day in the world, and watching the dance-contest-video, the return-of-the-mack video, and/or the skeleton-of-love video can always put a smile on my face, no matter how many times I've seen them before.

Not to mention that you've vicariously introduced me to the joy that is IHOP's Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity. It's as fun to say as it is to eat!

Mr. Kevin Conn, you are a genius, and I salute you. Thank you for using your humor to make this world less crappy. It's primarily because of you, and Chris Sims at The-ISB, that I decided to make this blog - to try and add a little humor and a little levity to a world that I personally know can really, really use it.


Leprechaun 4: The Eleven-Year Late Review

Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space is far superior to all other Leprechaun films. (A total of 6.)

Surprisingly, it is even better than Leprechaun 5: 'Leprechaun in the Hood' (good idea, horrible execution), and its follow-up Leprechaun 6: 'BACK 2 tha Hood' (didn't see, as it's the sequel to 5).

The fact that 'Leprechaun in Space' got a lower IMDB score than Batman and Robin is proof that you can't trust everything that you read, even online.

This film is absolutely fantastic in its horribleness.

Lep 4

It begins with Space Marines peeing on the Leprechaun's corpse - which makes perfect sense because so many good movies begin with urination. (He died from falling on a grenade to save the life of the Space-Ho-Princess he's trying to talk into marrying him.)

Unfortunately, getting peed on is apparently a method of rebirth for ol' Lep, seeing as he later bursts loose from the groin of the guy who peed on him, while said guy is getting a handjob. I think of this as the Handjob of Death. It was preceded by such masterful lines of dialogue as, "Shake hands with the big guy," and, "Take it easy - you don't wanna hurt Mr. Snake."


And as Lep emerges from said groin, he says, "Let that be a lesson t'ye laddie. Always wear a prophylactic!" Fan-tastic.

Now might be a good time to mention that there is a disembodied-torso-guy attached to a giant robot who runs the place. His name - Dr. Mittenhand, (which I'm pretty sure is a direct shout-out to my home state of Michigan). Did I mention he turns into a giant monster spider-scorpion, which refers to himself as MittenSpider? And this isn't even the 3rd or 4th most awesome part of the movie?!?! Do read on!

Let me just take an opportunity to say that I really wish there'd been a prequel to this film called 'Mittenhand's Experiment.' Mittenhand is freakin' GOLDEN as a character. He could be on a British comedy, or a villain on MST3K, which I feel is somehow sort of the same thing.

The whole reason Lep's here is he wants his 'bride,' which the Space Marines took and handed over to Mittenhand - who is unwilling to give her over as her blood has regenerative properties. Yeah.

We have a magically-flattened-face at roughly 1:01, followed by Lep injecting Mittenhand with the serum that will lead to his imminent arachnization.

Lep has magically covered the half-robot-corporal in explosives, and then brainwashed him with Lep-magic. Believe it or not, this is where things START to really run off the rails.

The brainwashing leads to (drumroll please) the half-robot-corporal-in-drag-murderous-floor-show. There has been nothing scarier in any scary movie. Ever. (His character's name - seriously, Cpl. Metalhead Hooker... so in a sense, this is Hooker Hooker.) PS - Hooker Hooker busts out the nunchuks!!!

We find out that on the planet of Lep's Space Ho, naked boobs are a death sentence. Unlike on this planet where naked boobs are a death sentence MAYBE like half the time.

Lep gets hit with a super-growth ray and predictably turns giant-sized. Unpredictably, he looks in his pants and his eyes flare. GENIUS.

Long story short, the few remaining Space Marines save the day - but not until MittenSpider rips off Science-officer-hottie's pants for good measure, so that she's running around in a unitard-like swimsuit she just happens to wear all the time. For a brief minute it's like watching Baywatch - only with Lep and a giant Spider-Scorpion guy... which really is exactly what I think Baywatch in Space would probably be.

Mittenspider gets killed via liquid-nitrogen-murder/gunshot, which is probably how he would've wanted it.

Lep ends up getting sucked out of an airlock into space and totally exploding like crazy. The film ends with his disembodied hand floating through space - FLIPPING YOU OFF.

I'm relatively certain there's no better way to end anything.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Thoughts on Cloverfield

Everybody thought that the Cloverfield monster was going to be Godzilla or Cthulhu or something. It wasn't. But even I only just now realized that this film was part 1 of a 3 part series. Because the Cloverfield monster is...


...Tendril from Inhumanoids.

Metlar and D-Compose will be next!! (Seriously, a CGI D-Compose would be awesome. WAY more things need skulls for heads.)

If you don't believe me, please note: I'm pretty sure if you throw some nutsack-jowels and a few spider monkeys on there, you've got yourselves a Cloverfield.


Apparently, I was wrong. Cloverfield is not one of the Inhumanoids. He is, however, a ghost from the 1980s Ghostbusters cartoon that was painted a different color.


Why I Don't Trust Soy

Because it's just one christian season of mourning and a color away from being...


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Imaginary Band

This post was prompted by Chris Sims' genius article regarding the G.I. Joe Killaz, in which he references that (much like me) he is one of the guys in their mid, ok, late twenties, who spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with good band names.

While years back I'd begun a screenplay involving a band called 'My Balls,' led by frontman 'Ozzy Balls,' and whose debut and sophomore albums would be referred to as 'My Balls' and 'Your Balls,' respectively (the latter of which featuring the single 'In Charge of My Balls,' and the album's marketing campaign would consist of Ozzy Balls saying, "I couldn't live without My Balls, can you live without - 'Your Balls?') - this is simply too many ball references in one joke for it to hold up. (These are the kind of things you can ONLY learn by trial and error.)

As luck would have it, I came upon the perfect band name when at an old job where I (gasp) processed medical claims. That name?



A portmanteau of 'grave' and 'frankenstein,' Gravenstein would be a monster-themed metal-ish band, the likes of White Zombie meets something even awesomer than White Zombie. They'd all be in monster-character, would be led by Dr. Gravenstein, and their album would be titled, 'Dr. Gravenstein, I Presume?'

But back to the G.I. Joe Killaz. While I don't know the whole of their work, I can say that the haunting melodies of Eau De Cobra may well drive a straight man to ransack the perfume counter of the nearest Macy's in the hopes for the merest whiff of it. (This is a good thing.)

While Eau De Cobra was a brainwash perfume that fell into Cobra's hands, (to make Baroness irresistible to men) I really feel like it might've just been a placebo. Making a leathery-spandex-clad-hot-evil-librarian-vamp-dominatrix-with-a-mean-streak attractive to my adolescent mind would've taken about 0% secret-brainwash-perfume. 

Oh Baroness, if you'd only come a-calling...

Baroness' Lament

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Best Flavor is BLUE

"Blue is not a flavor," my girlfriend said.

Yeah. Right.

Not only IS blue a flavor, but blue is the BEST flavor.

Several flavors in 'not real' foods are better than those in 'real' foods. Have you ever had Orange Bubblicious gum? If you have, then you know it doesn't taste a damn thing like an orange, assuming you were foolish enough to actually try an orange afterward.

'Actual orange' not what they were going for. Orange gum tastes like what oranges SHOULD taste like. If we were all dead and in paradise, oranges would taste as good as Orange gum. Or the juice that fills your mouth when you get those little tiny pieces of Orange Juice gum. God those things were good. But even the greatness of artificial Orange Juice gum (which is nigh immeasurable) can't hold a candle to the awesomeness of blue. Don't believe me? Let me share with you my favorite blue drinks - all of which are at least partially frozen.

6) - Blue Icee - this is a slurpee-type drink (sort of) that's available at most Burger Kings and at a lot of movie theaters. It's frozen and it's blue, but that's all it has going for it. It's the bottom of the barrel in quality of this list. (Note: it is still awesome.)

5) Blue Otter Pops - anybody else who was raised poor had Otter Pops growing up. And not the new 'today' kind either. I'm talking about the janky, chatty Otter Pops of the 80s. Somewhat similar to Flavorice, except that with Otter Pops you felt like you could trick yourself into believe you were learning important historical facts that were based in anthropomorphized-fictitious-otters-throughout-time. They came in assortments, and this was their downfall. You'd end up eating the sucky Red ones for like a week solid until your Mom would go buy more. (Red is the opposite of blue, unless it's strawberry - which is still awesome, and actually quite similar in flavor to the majority of blue drinks.)

4) Slush Mugged Blue Gatorade - preferably Glacier Freeze. Again - anybody who grew up poor should damn well have a slush mug.

3) Blue Slurpees. There have been at least 3 kinds of blue Slurpees. I-don't-remember, Blue Raspberry, and Blue Blunder. Blue Blunder was the best. (Apparently, Slurpees are quite heavy in Nitrogen, thus blocking the bodies' absorption of nutrients. No wonder I was a fat kid.)

2) [TIE] The blue slushes at Wetzel's Pretzel's, and Blue Shaved Ice from Renaissance Festivals

1) Blue Slush Puppie. The one. The only. The original. Often imitated, never duplicated. Hard to find (the website's no help) and it's harder to find someone who'll actually serve you one - but man are these things good. You can actually feel the sugar rushing into your brain. That's the mark of quality.

6 instances of Blue being a flavor. The AWESOMEST flavor. And I'm pretty sure with that, I've proven I'm right.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome.

If I had to describe his work with one word, it's 'kinetic.' You can't look at something he's drawn without feeling the energy behind every line just waiting to burst out from the proverbial seams.

Matsuda Blog

You might remember Jeff from his run on X-Factor back in the late 90's (apx 122-136), followed by Wolverine (apx 133-138), or his work on Kaboom, Buffy, Impulse, or Marvel Mangaverse. You might even remember from way back on Newmen or Troll.

Lately Jeff's been finding work outside of comics though, well, sort of. He was character designer (and executive producer) for The Batman, he's put together a little thing for Google you might've heard about, and is now working on the Marvel animated Wolverine vs. Hulk.

All I know is, this guy is awesome. Jeff Matsuda has consistently been awesome for well over ten years now. So go buy some of his stuff; he won't disappoint!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Batman and Robin: The Eleven-Year-Late Review

Okay, so it's been well-established this is the most horrible Bat-film ever – and I'm willing to bet that this has been dissected by umpteen (my grandpa's favorite measurement) bloggers in the 11 years since its release, so I will refrain from commenting on Bat-nipples, homosexual overtones, or bludgeoning the cold references to death. But since, contrary to popular belief, I had NEVER seen this film until recent weeks, I'm giving you the shorthand of this horrible experience. I have NO idea of what to expect AT ALL, except that it will probably suck.

13 MINUTES IN... so far this movie's featured the following: ice-skating, crazy hockey villain guys, a dinosaur corpse making a living dinosaur sound when it falls apart for some reason, the same window getting shattered multiple times, surfing, The Frozenator with pretty-as-a-princess Butterfly wings (at about 7:42 in this video), a TMNT reference, and Frozenator's ice-penis rocketship. Note: refer to this as the 'cold cock,' you know – like a punch. Nothing else. Also, this section featured a Frozenator quote that's something along the lines of "Hahbeenjahs ovya doooom!"

26 MINUTES IN... Robin was TOTALLY frozen, Bane has a spiky crotch, Robin is a dick for no reason, Ivy is way porno and way over the top.

39 MINUTES IN... Frozenator is watching cartoons and making his thugs unenthusiastically sing along while he smokes some weird ice cigar (seriously), Alicia Silverstone (who is NOT Batgirl, or even an actress) appears and leaves the mansion via bed-linens strung out the window. Wow. Also, Porno Ivy waves her finger around. A lot. (She loves her some finger.)

52 MINUTES IN... Frozenator totally skips over half of the frozen newspaper's headline, speaking only three random words, "Bruce Wayne… diamonds," which I found to be the funniest part of the movie. (At least he got the three words that mattered.) Porno Ivy has a cotton-candy-ape dance, and makes a reference to that her "garden needs tending." She goes on to say that either Batman or Robin is "about to hit the honeypot." I swear to god. "About to hit the honeypot." So of course, Batman whips out his Batman American Express - because apparently she's a Bat-whore. (She's like the most disappointing experience you could have with really meeting a SuicideGirl. You think she's going to be a turbo-slut, but instead she's just really cheesy.)

Why does this movie exist?

Also, at roughly 49 minutes we nearly have the first mainstream appearance of shinshi shinshi.

AFTER 52 MINUTES… time and space have become meaningless to me, and it is no longer possible to check in at any sort of checked interval.

:56 – There are Turkish baths filled with Busta Rhymes video rejects.

1:01 – Alicia Silverstone steals a Wayne motorcycle, and a really cool song happens to be playing in the background. There is some seriously The Warriors type shit going down. Coolio makes an appearance; it really should've been Busta Rhymes to make sense (?) for the extras. Also, these guys have somehow found a way to even make Molotov cocktails suck.

They found a way to make MOLOTOV COCKTAILS SUCK.

1:03 – Why do Porno Ivy's green gardening gloves have what look like red fingernails painted on them? Why is Bane's skin green?? Porno Ivy says, "I'll help you grab your rocks." (She wants his icy balls so much that her tongue is almost stuck to them.)

1:11 – Porno Ivy makes an action figure reference, which would be breaking a wall - if there were any walls holding this thing together to begin with.

1:18 – My girlfriend asks, "Why does Bane have a fedora and a trench coat on? Are they hiding him? Is he supposed to look like Rorschach?"

I don't think they knew who Rorschach was, but even if Bane was supposed to look like The Question, it was still retarded. (Note: the idea of hiding a green-skinned luchador-masked muscle guy with tubes in the back of his head by wearing a trench coat is absolutely awesome, though sadly it is also the epitome of creativity, accidental or otherwise, in this "film.")

1:28 – the crazy hockey guys return. Sure. At this point, why not?

1:35 – Alfred Headroom. Drink New Coke and be a stockbroker. Or something. Wow. Why not just make a Noid reference?

1:37 – Porno Ivy makes a "slippery when wet" reference… regarding herself... it doesn't even give me half a boner.

1:39 – Catfight!! Including Ivy using an Ivy whip (not the cool Soulcalibur kind, but the sucky plant kind). Judging by her lilypad-pond, apparently Porno Ivy is part of the thinktank behind MXC.

1:42 – Robin's motorcycle now has one of those swamp-town airboat fans on the back of it. Apparently, Dick Grayson hails from a Southern lineage. (He's probably lackadaisically driving it down yonder a piece - to get some crawdads I reckon.)

THE CREDITS!! Thank god. My girlfriend and I tried to decide who was most at fault in the making of this monstrosity. The answer: EVERYONE BUT ALFRED.

It turns out the hockey guys were technically, "Ice Thugs." Who knew? They didn't look like thugs to me. They didn't even look like Bone Thugs.

The credits are run to BOTH Billy Corgan AND R. Kelly songs. Billy Corgan could explain the aforementioned butterfly-wings. R. Kelly could explain my vague sense of having recently been peed on. Even the credits are not a release from the sweet horror of this abysmal wreck.

Screw Psycho-Pirate, the Pied Piper and Jimmy Olsen. If the Anti-Life Equation really exists on Earth, I am CERTAIN a portion of it resides in this film. (It's a good thing Darkseid doesn't read my blog.)

So, congratulations Batman and Robin. You really made the silver screen bronze.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Professor X: Fake Psychic, Psychic Dick, or Dope MC?

Has anybody else ever wondered this? If Professor X is this great psychic - why does he keep getting shot in the head? This is a guy who's been shot in the face at least twice, by X-Men no less, or at least by people claiming to be X-Men. He was shot in the face a third time by his own son!

He's like the 50 Cent of the Marvel Universe. (This should not be confused with 50 Cent's Elizabethan predecessor, 50 Pence.)

Good ol' Charlie X has been crippled and healed about 5 times (or more). He lobotomized Magneto. He turned super-evil once, so evil that people had to renumber things.

Every woman he's loved either hates him or is dead, and to be fair, while Wolverine can get away with using the 'I had no idea you were pregnant' line, it seems pretty weak from a guy who considers himself a telepath.

It seems to me the Prof. lacks even the most basic foresight, and frankly, the courtesy to even come up with a convincing lie. And the really horrible part is, if he is a telepath, he knows if you want him to lie to you and knows what lies you're willing to accept. He just ignores this, and I'm pretty sure that makes him a dick.

But more importantly, I'm thinking about Professor X imagining himself as a gangsta rapper. Below, you can enjoy his first single.
Prof X

(To the tune of 50 Cent's "In Da Club")

You can find me in the mansion, chillin' in the danger room,
Cuz I'm layin' down phat beats for all them tricks!
Won't do no dancin', even though I got that boom,
Cuz I'd rather be ridin' in my two-wheeled whip!

My life's luxury, up in West-cheddah, every one of you wants to be like me;
I've got mad ends, and I'm a trendsettah – been rollin' on spinners since '63!
Cuz I'm an o.g. - I guarantee, you ain't walked one track these wheels ain't worn.
Like Makaveli, except that I, faked my own death before 2pac was born!

Cuz' it's, Cerebros before Cerebhoes,
But no hate on hoes, because I got those,
The redhead Jean, and the White Queen,
Both fiends for my hellafied mutant lean.
Ya wanna hate on me, and call me mutie,
I'll head to outer space for some Shi'ar booty!
In the blackbird… Word.

Slippin' right on in, past their detection,
The ladies and me, that's my predilection,
You're thinkin' I'm soft cuz of natural selection,
But yo, I've got a rock hard astral projection!

Magneto, tryin' my patience, jealous of me and my dope-ass flings,
Playa-hatin, cuz he heard that I was with the Scarlet Witch and got all up inside Polaris' green!
Don't try me, tryin' to mess with my pro-fe-SO-REAL bling,
I might get evil – so evil that you'd have to renumber things!

When you hear my music, y'all should crank it,
Got a hottie training program under my lap blanket!
Ha ha!
You're Jugger-not hittin' any of that.

50 Cent of the Marvel U, ain't that somethin'?
You really woulda thought that I'da seen that comin'!
A psychic shot in the face, like nine times,
All I can say is that I blame smokin' up all those dimes!

The Brotherhood, at my door, tryin' to hate on my platinum,
But they don't, no they don't know, my records always go adamantium.
Bald Phoenix, call me Mr. So Fresh So Phat, So super Clean,
Don't need no pit bull – I've got a Wolverine...

More mutants more problems...
Word to your legal guardian....
This track is X-cellent.

Danger Room Records!!

(Side note: this has nothing to do with the rapper who calls himself Professor X. I had no clue that he even existed when I came up with this.)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Superman's Lesser-Known Superpowers...

While growing up, when my friends and I would play, "What Superhero would you be?" we always added the caveat, "and you can't pick Superman." Because being Superman is cheating, since he has basically every super-power there is.

He can fly, has heat vision and cold breath, can see through things (that aren't lead), is super strong, and has super hearing. (He can even turn coal briquettes into diamonds in case he ever needs some emergency scratch.) This is probably part of why I was never much a fan of Superman - since he was given basically every single power there was, I couldn't really relate to him. A perfect-born alien who everyone wants as their son and is at least mildly propagandic? I can think of at least four reasons that isn't me. And I'm awesome.

But for all we knew of Superman's breadth of abilities back in 1984, or 1996, or even last year, little did we know of the even wider array of "super" powers at Superman's command. (Many of these pics were swiped liberally from

Super-baking! SuperBaking Super-landscaping!!

SuperLandscaping Super-makeup-applying!!!

SuperMakeupApplying Super-weaving!!!! SuperWeaving Super-crying regarding said Super-weaving!!!!! (drawn by the awesome Frank Cho) SuperCrying So? Superman happens to enjoy baking and landscaping, wearing makeup, and sewing. He is also a tad weepy. But it's not like I'm trying to lead you in any certain direction here. But I should point out, lastly... (wait for it) ...Super-vacation-planning!!!!!!

SuperVacationPlanning So, there you have it. And Superman, let's be honest. Once you get there, it'll be Super-Gay City. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that. (Note that "Gay City" is actually underlined. Like we might not notice it otherwise.) Maybe this is all just proof of the use of Pink Kryptonite throughout history. Yes, DC Comics has a Pink Kryptonite, and yes, it turns Superman/Clark Kent gay, at least stereotypically. Don't believe me? See below. SupermanPink
To clear your Super-palate, marvel at Superman's poor multiplication skills! Who would've thought his secret weakness would be third-grade mathematics? (Maybe "Earth Math" is different.)
"My, he's barrel-chested!" would be a
way better thought balloon.

I can't help but get the feeling that Superman's saying this with the inflection of Billy Madison when asking, "Any more BRAIN-busters?" Beautiful.

Oh! For those of you who care, in the game, I always picked Batman. Because Batman is awesome. The best villains, the best city, the best costume, toys, house, vehicles, and for all his wealth - he was still just a guy who trained himself (to combat his misery no less). If anything was his super-power, it wasn't his incredibly disciplined human body, but his mind and his determination. Dreamers can be Superman, military guys can be Green Lantern, and science guys can be Flash (who's also pretty cool). But a guy who works his ass off every day to be just a little better than the day before - that's my superhero.

It doesn't hurt that he knows how to carry a zero correctly either.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Real Ghostbusters: Real Dicks

You might be asking yourself, "What is this? Aren't you psyched about the new game in October and the pending release of the animated series on DVD?" Absolutely, and yes I am a fan. But this does not change the fact that, from a certain perspective, the Ghostbusters are Total Dicks.

Two of the The Real Ghostbusters' biggest villains were Sandman and Sam Hain.

The Sandman (of GB continuity) is a ghost who puts people to sleep. His nefarious goal? To put everyone to sleep for awhile so the world can settle the hell down. Now, it's true that people *could* die in The Sandman's proposed 100 years of sleep, and it's also true that your dreams come to life in the 'real' world when he has you asleep – but this would only be a problem if you were awake. Since it's his goal to put EVERYONE to sleep, not a problem. Plus, typically your Sandman-dreams are pretty awesome. So Sandman's just a ghost who sees that the human world is callous, busy, and tense, and he's trying to do something to help us chill the hell out. The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. God forbid you get to sleep for a month, not lose your job because your whole town was asleep for a month, and you have a month-long dream of being royalty, a player, a tycoon or a rockstar. Or a royal-player-tycoon-rockstar, which is my personal favorite. Let's be honest people, half of America would pay to have this ghost haunt them.


Here is a picture of The Sandman dipping his 'flute' into his 'sleep dust.' I'm absolutely positive it's not a picture of him getting high on his ghost-bong. He's far too responsible to give into such… oh, who am I kidding? Ghost-busted indeed.

Sidenote: The Sandman's voice sounds like an asthmatic's inhalation, filtered through a wax-papered harmonica. Surprisingly, this is somewhat soothing.

Sam Hain is the spirit of Halloween, who obviously has a pumpkin-head because things with pumpkins for heads are awesome. His dastardly plot? To make Halloween night eternal. To take the awesomest holiday of the year and never let it end. Free candy forever, and chicks dressed as sexy things for all eternity. And this is why people worshipped him.

It would be dark forever, no sunglasses, no skin cancer, cheaper cooling bills – oh wait, no bills at all because EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN. (So I'm pretty sure Peter Steele is a fan.)

If there was a church for this guy, I would go to it. This is a ghost with an agenda I agree with, and I'd be glad to trust him with my tax-deductible gifts. Granted, if it was Halloween forever, tax-time would never roll around - but that's assuming he instantly obtains his goals - which I'm pretty sure no religion has ever done in my lifetime.

The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. I imagine you're beginning to see the pattern. This particular bust probably involves Ray, the retard of the GB, talking about how important Christmas is, or something else that's lamely Americana. Eat it Ray! And tell Winston to get off that ghost-baseball team while you're at it! Below is an image where I imagine Sam Hain is telling Ray to eat it, though using his full first name, Raymond, because Sam Hain is classy.


Sure, there were *probably* ghosts who were causing legitimate problems who were busted too, though even they typically revolved just around property damage or instilling panic. It's not my fault if you scare easily or don't have ghost insurance. In closing, not one ghost ever killed anybody in the GB world. Maybe, just maybe, Ghostbusters, we actually have a lot to learn from ghosts. Think about that, would you??

Friday, August 15, 2008

Movie Batmans, from Worst to Best

There have been many silver-screen Batmen o'er the years, and leave it to me to chronicle them according to my opinion, which is also fact. Please note, I am awarding points only in complete bats, because Bat-fractions (not to be confused with Matt Fraction) would be harmful to the general bat population.

(0/4 bats)


George Clooney. Clooney has gone on record (see: audacity) saying that while Batman is not gay, he CHOSE TO PLAY HIM THAT WAY ANYWAY. Clooney, I'm all for keeping yourself entertained to avoid suicide, (it WAS a Schumacher flick, and Schumacher was the Ratner and/or Bay of the 90's) but misplaced homosexual motivations aside – this monstrosity should NEVER have happened. (I'm referring to the Clooney part, not the gay part.) It killed Batman on-screen for eight years. This is the absolute worst possible scenario for Batman, and in Bat-mathematical terms, Clooney (who fought a cold-based villain, no less,) is a lot like absolute zero. Anything is greater than Clooney. Clooney times infinity can't even amount to a Val Kilmer, or even a mixed drink CALLED a Val Kilmer. The lime wedge IN a Val Kilmer is more Batman than you Clooney. So is the bar back who cuts it. And his knife. (BAT-DRINK!)

(1/4 bats)


Val Kilmer. Kilmer was a smug genius smartass in Real Genius and either a goof, hardass, or combination of the two in Top Gun and Tombstone. Of course, Real Genius is the only one of these movies I really remember, because the others are dramas. (All I remember about Tombstone is Lowell from Wings getting shot like 40 times in slow motion… me and all my friends shouting out, "Loooooowellllllllll!!!" as he took something like three clips straight to the torso. HARD. He later grew up to be Sandman, alongside 'That 70's Venom.') Irrelevant Tombstone memories aside, we already had vestiges of genius AND hardass going for Kilmer, so this flat-out should've been better. It probably lost a lot due to: the non-Lando-Calrissian-Harvey-Dent (continuity, people!), the abominable Jim Carrey Fire-Marshall-Riddler ("Let me ask ya somethin'!"), the fact that Tim Burton wasn't directing it, and that Val, you know, wasn't Michael Keaton. Don't feel bad Val, you beat Clooney, and you honestly had a lot more going against you. That's a victory in itself. Go listen to the soundtrack from The Saint (but don't watch it!) and treat yourself to a Val Kilmer on the rocks. You've earned it buddy.

(2/4 bats)


Christian Bale. "Blasphemy," say many of you. Well, let it be said that I am not a person who always thinks newer is better. (It's called hype, people - learn to filter it.) Sure, Bale does a decent job, but I just didn't find his Batman a convincing hero, or HIM a convincing hero. Bale would've been better as a villain, like the Marilyn Manson Riddler of Jeff Matsuda's The Batman, who's voiced by Freddy Krueger. (God, I loved typing that sentence.) There's nothing heroic about a guy who looks like Todd McFarlane. Plus he's full of himself. He had a line in a recent interview about how "some of the Batmen who came before him did an alright job," but, (he then said something like) "these were guys who dressed up in Bat-suits, they didn't become Bats." Bale, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST, MOST ARROGANT SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD. If you BECAME a Bat, you'd be Man-Bat, a villain, and you'd probably be better at that. Your mouth would emit echo-location and your poop would be made into bowls by indigenous people. Until that happens, settle the hell down. Go watch a video of you flexing while banging random whores to Genesis songs. (see: American Psycho) You do not pass Wayne Manor and you do not collect a Val Kilmer. (I love the idea that in Bat-Monopoly, the bank is a bar.) I should demote you to Kilmer, Bale. Don't think I can't do it. OK, you can stay, but ONLY since your, "all you rich people can suck it," scene in Begins was awesome. And because Ra's al Ghul isn't a real villain, so you had that working against you. (Side note: there are seven 'real' Batman villains.) But Bale, you're not getting past two bats. Since your Batmobile is (chrissakes) a tank-ified Hummer, blame the bad Bat-mileage.

(3/4 bats)

TIE: Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy.


Beetlejuice as Batman? Like pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes says, "You're DAMMMMN right." (Mr. Hayes, R.I.P.) A lot of people say Bruce Wayne should be more attractive than Keaton. I say you can be average-looking if you're ludicrously rich, let alone if you KICK SERIOUS ASS. That backhand punch? Awesome. So the looks aren't a problem for me, because he looked good AS BATMAN, and Batman is the character I pay to see. Besides, those 'really-really-good-looking' Batmen – sucked. HARD. One movie a piece for those guys, because they were tools. And Batman is not a tool, not even with a Craftsman lifetime guarantee. (Kilmer was asked back, but turned it down. And Bale-lovers, I did take into consideration Bale's been asked back for a second film. See how he's above the solo-guys, and interrupting Keaton's post?) Back to Keaton – not only did he rock that shit, he rocked that shit EVEN THOUGH THE SOUNDTRACK WAS BY PRINCE. (I like Prince, a lot actually, but seriously. Nothing about Batman says "little pan-sexual purple Jehovah's Witness dude from Minnesota.") Also, no other Batman has earned his own dessert at Taco Bell. (BAT-CARBS!)


Kevin Conroy – who? The voice of Batman from Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League, two or three other DC cartoons and movies, and YES there were Batman TAS movies, so he's in. (You've found the curveball.) Is it unfair to include him, since I'm judging him solely on his voice and have no idea what he looks like on top of that he didn't physically appear in anything? NOT AT ALL. Because his voice is THAT BATMAN. His voice is Batman enough to outweigh Clooney, Kilmer, and Bale combined. Which, if you're keeping score, totals up to Kilmer and Bale. (BAT-MATH!!)

(4/4 bats)


Adam f-ing West. Yes, there was a 60's Batman movie – and Adam West is amazingly awesome in it, just like he is in everything he's ever done. If you like Bruce Campbell, think of Adam West as his more-player uncle who taught him the ropes. West's joke-on-purpose Batman of the 60's helped revitalize the character across all genres. Hell, if BOB KANE thanked him for it then it should be good enough for you! He's got some bit role in every Bat-cartoon, works on Family Guy, etc – and do you know why? Because EVERYBODY LOVES HIM. He can grab your girlfriend's boob right in front of you, play it off like he didn't mean it, and you'll end up apologizing to him or asking him to grab her boob again so you can get a picture this time. He's THAT pimp. This is a guy with a great sense of humor, a really big heart, and is still active in the fan community. Return to the Batcave, anybody? Also 75% of 'West' is also present in 'best.' Coincidence, or providence?

And now, I must bid you adieu (like the butt-checking-out Gambit), but will leave you with this mind-bender...


And also, what could've been...


I'm Just Saying...

...I'm pretty sure Stewie from Family Guy grows up to be the Calendar Man.

Please note: if this shows up on Family Guy (or Robot Chicken), this will be at least my third idea that has been incorporated into television, and indisputable proof that Hollywood sifts through my blogs. Or at least that Seth Green or Seth McFarlane owes me a donut or something. (Seths, I like the apple orchard kind.)

The same holds true if Stewie places a colander on his head and says something like, "The Colander Man was being forgotten about, and that is unacceptable."


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why X-Men: The Animated Series is Awesome

For those of you who care, you already know that X-Men the Animated Series has not been released on DVD in seasons. However, a few episodes were released years back on overpriced single DVD's - and we got one of these in the mail from Netflix yesterday. Aside from a number of things that made this show awesome, our DVD included a scene of Gambit and Rogue talking in a French cafe - where Gambit checks out a girl's butt who walks by him when Rogue isn't looking. If that isn't awesome, I don't know what is. (Below is an artistic interpretation.)


My Newfound Respect for The Hulk

A couple months back, I flew out of state for a graduation. This is the story of the flights, which earned me a new respect for The Hulk, or more accurately Dr. Bruce Banner - because I now completely understand the inner struggle of a man wrestling with his own impulses to irreparably bludgeon all lifeforms within a hundred foot radius.

Flight 1 - LaGuardia to Tampa. I was sat separately from my travel companion. She was sat somewhere that I can only imagine must've been like a re-enactment of the game Candyland compared to my complete and utter shafting by God. Why? Because I was the meat in a fat sandwich.
Three seats, I'm in the middle. The lady on the left of me is fat, but we're talking acceptably fat, like weighs less than 300 lbs probably fat. The lady on the right of me is an obese space cow who reeks of Wal-Mart branded perfume splashed liberally across her Crisco-sweating rolls. Now I should point out that I don't hate fat people. I used to be a fat person (though not fat enough to be counted as "people"). However, I figure if I have to spend like $300 to get on the plane and I weigh like 170 lbs, if you weigh like 970 lbs (conservatively speaking) then you should probably have to get shipped by UPS.

Now, the positive side of this is that the flight was incredibly cold, so I kind of was thankful for her commitment to overeating, because her leftish side fat rolls served as a sort of lard blanket. As if it wasn't enough to be drowning in a sea of greasy disgustingness, in front of me were two bad kids with one lazy parent, and they had another bad kid and another lazy parent across the aisle. AND, the stewardesses were out of coffee by the time they got to me. Did I mention we got up at like 430am to get this godforsaken flight? Jesus for the love of God, jesus. I have no clue the accuracy of that sentence structure nor do I care. Roughly 3 hours later we were on the ground in Tampa, and despite its being like 100 degrees, it was insanely awesome to be able to move freely once more, and to be able to begin to attempt to shake off the faint smell of ham that had been burrowing its way into my pores. I am really glad this plane did not crash, because I'm pretty sure that one of these fatties would have eaten me even if I was still alive.

Flight 2 - two days later. We have a layover, so two planes. Hooray! I don't really remember much about this flight, though we were able to sit together. It was about 4pm. I got ENTIRELY shafted by the stewardesses again. The only thing that was keeping me sane (I hadn't eaten as I'm not willing to spend $10 on off-brand airport food - what am I, a millionaire?) was that I was going to get some little packet of cookies or something. They offered, "cookies, crackers with cheese, or peanuts." They should've said, "fake cookies that are like crackers and for ladies, wheat crackers with cheese, or peanuts." See, their "cookies," if one would be so brazen as to refer to them as such, are like biscottis that have been wiped in a cinnamon excreting raccoon's ass. Lame. Peanuts are just like really pathetic cashews, so that was a pass regardless. But cheese and crackers? Hell yeah! I'll eat that! Handi-snacks be praised! NO. These were WHEAT crackers. These are not edible by man. They will come out of your butthole with the exact same sharp inedible corners they went in with. It's essentially like putting Ohio drivers in your stomach and hoping they don't go like 5. It's never going to happen. (After the fact, since I found out that the cheese in these abysmal monstrosities wasn't even cheese - it had like wheatgrass swirled into it or some other live-forever hippie tasteless drecch horseshit. Jesus Delta, what the hell is wrong with you?) There were also bad kids in front of us on this plane. This family of Powder-ass looking blondes - again 4 kids 2 parents. High-pitched noises are overrated. And if the children are our future, the future looks a lot like rampant consumerism without any regard for hard work or responsibility. It looks like entitlement, written in the font of Hannah Montana and the Olsen Twins' logos. The future is going to suck. Thanks you punkass kids.

Flight 3 - I have since had a smoke and gotten a sandwich from Quizno's which I now believe had a secret ingredient called botulism. It was at this point that I really had to work hard to not murder people. I seriously was walking around the terminal aimlessly muttering softly to myself, "must... contain... murderous... rage," and this is why I'm sorta glad that I wasn't raised as a Soprano or something. If I thought I was untouchable, my god the pain I would bring upon this world. Anyway, the last flight was pretty good in terms of people, but the plane sat like maybe 60 people, so like every bump made you want to vomit or have your head explode or something.
The point is, if there is a point, planes suck. Fat people suck. Kids suck. All I wanted was some goddamn regular ass cheese crackers you ass-skanks. Just some regular ass cheese crackers.


Grant Morrison...

While my existence is likely unbeknownst to him, (as I have not yet executed the great My-Friend-Scott Switcheroo) Grant Morrison and I share some history.

Grant Morrison started out in comics writing things I kind of consider 'not real comics.' I know nothing about Animal Man, though it's praised now (as everything he's written is) and while I tried reading The Invisibles at an early age, it was just too tangential for me. (Too tangential FOR ME.) Too riding on the 'weird for the sake of being weird' po-mo SLC style that ran rampant in the Vertigo titles after Sandman caught on with reader-types. (Sidenote: if you want comics to read like high literature, read high literature. Don't mess up my comic books to make yourself feel cooler and less stuffy.)

Then he went to work on JLA in the 90s. JLA freakin' rocked. Here, Grant Morrison created Prometheus, possibly the only useful Batman villain created in the last 25 years, (though he did kinda copy him off an existing character) and somehow made the addition of an angel to the team not feel contrived. He even found a use for The Atom, which is pretty respectable in itself.

Then, oh then, the horror begins. New X-Men. X-Men has pretty much sucked since about 1996, definitely since 1998 without a doubt. I would say, "You ruined Magneto, you horrible bastard," but I'm unsure how much blame belongs with him and how much belongs with Editorial. Nonetheless, X-Men has continued to seriously suck thanks to his Matrix-izing of everything, (see: the X-Men films) and the confusing ruination of their greatest foe.

So, having ruined one of the two comics I loved, he's now moved on to the other, Batman. He's been writing Batman for about 2 years now and seemingly building to something, but never really making sense. People talk about what his literary aims or his overarching themes, but not a one of them can tell you what's actually happening, or even which 'Earth' it takes place on. There are two potential vague answers.

a) There is an unknown-as-to-who-it-is character called The Black Glove who is orchestrating basically everything evil, at least that's Batman related. The forerunners on the internet are: Alfred (and/or his Outsider persona), Batman himself having a split personality, Batman's father - if he isn't really dead, the Crimson Avenger (a Detective character that preceded Batman's debut), Harley Quinn, the Batman from Earth X (aka Zur En Arrh), the list goes on and on - and probably none of them are right. I won't even go into Bruce's skank of a girlfriend being named Jezebel and what that implies.

b) Grant Morrison is making Batman suck.

I will leave it up to you to decide which is correct.

All I know is that DC's saying Bruce Wayne dies, which pretty much means nothing. (Who hasn't died, especially in DC?)

There's a part of me that remembers JLA rocking the house, and really hopes Grant has a solid grasp of where he's going and to tell a story that's not stupid or irreparable. There's another part of me who remembers his chainsaw-handed sodomy of Magneto and hopes to god Editorial remembers they're working with multiple worlds right now so that they could easily just fold this one into oblivion no matter what happens.

What's important is this. Bruce Wayne, if he dies, should become the Spectre. Hal Jordan was the Spectre and he's alive again. The guy who's the Spectre now sucks ass at it (unless he's finally stepped up his game). They heavily hinted at Bruce becoming the Spectre in Infinite Crisis.

So now that I can't read X-Men anymore (thanks to Grant Morrison), I am buying Batman and Final Crisis (both written by Grant Morrison). We live in a very confusing world.

All the Golden Guys with the Horns

Okay. So DC has Magog and Gog. Both are different (?) yet related characters who look essentially the same. DC villains created with a nod to the 'golden calf' motif, as they're clothed in gold and have big shiny gold horns. In the upcoming Final Crisis, there's Satanus - who, when I first saw him I thought was Gog, or Magog. Another golden guy with horns, another DC villain. And in a conversation the other day, somebody said, "like Loki?" A Marvel villain. Who wears yellow (and green) and has yellow horns. What is with this already?

Mom of Apocalypse is about to get Retro Gamer

It began innocently enough, with Mom of Apocalypse saying, "Is there a system that I could buy where I could play games that make sense to me, like Frogger and Tetris?"

My mission had begun.

Immediately I'm thinking NES, because regardless of these possibly being available for WiiWare's suck download service, that'd still cost my Mom about $200 extra, and I don't want to have any hand in the sale of a Wii. The DS/GBA combo might've worked, but since the screens are so small (she is MOM of Apocalypse) and the Super GBA Adapter is hard-to-find and overpriced, I felt like that just wouldn't do with the small-screen systems. Also, I don't have to worry about her losing her job by gaming her way to unemployment on the clock that way. So yeah, we needed something we could hook to a TV. So I'm still thinking NES - but it turns out Frogger was never made for NES surprisingly. Only SNES. Which also had Tetris. SNES it was.

So far I've got the SNES mini system along with the RCA hookups and a controller with working turbo options. Arkanoid is in the mail, because I've been rocking Arkanoid DS like nonstop for weeks and it's hella simple in terms of approach. I'm pretty sure she'll "get" it, and that it'll probably take her back to our Commodore 64 days. That's right. Straight gangster.

I'm working on getting Tetris/Dr. Mario (default-mom-gaming-crack), Frogger, Bust-A-Move, and Ms. Pac Man. Are there any other Mom-games you can think of? (Other than Mario Kart?) Mom of Apocalypse is awesome, and could use a little more fun in her day-to-day.

So, it's all about to come together. And it looked like it would end innocently enough until she asked, "Is there a Ghostbusters game for Super Nintendo?" No, Mom of Apocalypse, there's not. But there WAS a port of the C64 Ghostbusters over to the regular 8-bit NES. (The Genesis Ghostbusters was super awesome, but I'm thinking that's too involved of controls for her.) Alas, it looks as though it may be beginning all over again...

Note: I fully intend to post pics of Mom of Apocalypse rocking the old-school games the next time I am in her town.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Stephane Roux is Awesome

Stephane Roux is awesome. Even if you know comic books there's a good chance you don't know who he is yet, because he hasn't really had a steady interiors gig - as he's quickly becoming a DC cover artist. While he's done some Countdown covers and a lot for Birds of Prey, he (thus far) is most notably the artist who's done the majority of the recent DC house ads, often referred to as 'anti-inspirational ads' since they're published in the format of those cheesy office-motivational posters.

So far he's done:

Libra (Injustice)

Mongul (Domination)

Hush (Envy)
Satanus (Insurrection)

Brainiac (Oppression)
Ambush Bug (Unvictorious)

Here's my favorite.


Penciller, Inker, Colorist. This guy is awesome. Don't believe me?

Go to, and click on 'Stephane.'

Wanna buy originals? Go to and email his art agent!

Jeff Hardy is not yet an Assassin...

Recently I've been playing Assassin's Creed, which features a ridiculous amount of the lead character (Altair, which translates roughly to 'born to shank people') jumping off of ludicrously high things - and being fine. This makes me think of Jeff Hardy.

This makes me think of how there are people who mod games for current gen systems. Why somebody hasn't developed a mod where Altair puts up the obligatory Hardy 'gunz' prior to the leap of faith is beyond me. Witness, Hardy's Creed.

(This bearded gentleman is about to feel the pain of the Shank-ton Bomb.)

It's just another example of me being ahead of the rest of humanity in terms of finding wrestling-related references in things that have nothing whatsoever to do with wrestling. Recently, Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said, "If ya smell... what Barack... is cookin" on National TV. The REAL Barack Obama. I blogged on myspace about how this should happen like half a year ago. Why?

Because I am a genius.

An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret...

This post was prompted by this story.

I'll begin by explaining 'why me.' No, I am not a woman and, despite my being far from 'normal', I do not like to dress like one (see my men's clothing post from 8/12/06). However, I am a man which, let's be honest, IS your intended market, whether directly or indirectly. I should be fish in a barrel for you. With that being said, I would like to provide some insights.

Within the last year I accompanied my girlfriend to one of your stores, who was there to buy a simple bra - and I had a good amount of free time to wander the store aimlessly while my girlfriend considered her options. NOTHING IN THE STORE even gave me half a boner! And, while I couldn't see her, my girlfriend was half naked like 30 feet away. So, Victoria's Secret - I am sending you back to boner school.

Rule 1 - Quit writing the word 'PINK' on everything (in gigantic letters no less). We know, you think you're being clever. Well, 'pink' as an entendre wasn't clever when Steven Tyler sang it like 11 years before and it damn well isn't now. We get it. Several of the things you sell touch (gasp!) vaginas. Not clever, tacky. Let me write it how you might understand it. TACKY.

Rule 2 - If you can't be simple, or classy, or elegant, at least try to be intelligent. This is a woman's body. The single most alluring, provocative, and revered form on the face of the earth. You can essentially drape it in a towel and it's hot, but you sell brown panties with pastel blue and canary yellow polka dots. No. I think not. (I swear.)

Rule 3 - If you want to be a lingerie store, SELL LINGERIE. Have the styles, colors, and sizes in stock, and employ salespeople who know where that stock is kept. Furthermore, while women love lotions and gels and other 3oz containers of paste that cost $20 and smell like exotic sea urchins from remote parts of the Mediterranean, that's not lingerie. For that matter, neither is 'sleepwear' (aka a pair of $10 sweatpants with a giant 'PINK' across the back for like $30). And why do you sell 'regular' clothes? What woman wants a $200 blazer, much less from Victoria's Secret?

Rule 4 - Get over yourselves. The article above is about how you at Victoria's Secret feel you are losing your marketbase because you're being 'too sexy,' which to me sounds like misplaced blame and/or pandering to militant right-wingers who'd prefer all women just had penises anyway (which would get in the way of their whole 'family values' movement, but they've never been that good at thinking things through, have they?). But, let's be honest Victoria's Secret. If a 28 year old guy who can get a boner in his sleep can't get one in your store, you are nowhere near being 'too sexy.' Unless of course in the sense of magnetic poles, where you've gone so far past sexy that you're actually now at 'not sexy,' or perhaps it's in the sense of the Right Said Fred song, (which is also not sexy,) and you're simply too sexy for my business.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Giving Comic Books a Bad Name

I would like to detail, briefly, some things that have happened in the last 10 or so years in comics which have greatly cheapened them to me.

1 - Grant Morrison's run on X-Men. This is the man responsible for making Beast look like a housecat. He is also the man I blame for (more on this later) annihilating any semblance of logic regarding Magneto, the X-Men's greatest villain for roughly forty years of publishing. And Morrison created Cassandra Nova too. Who's Cassandra Nova? She's a bald chick who's Professor X's unborn evil twin who he murdered in the womb but then lived in a sewer grate as psychic energy for 50 years or something while plotting her revenge. I wish I was making that up. Somebody did make that up and got paid for making it up. And his name is Grant Morrison. (I sometimes think his homepage jpg was created especially for me.) All I can think of is that Grant must've gotten into some bad peyote while he was writing this (as his prior run on JLA was pretty good). The big villain of his X-Men story arc, by the way - mold. Like as in, "dust, mold, and mildew." Asthmatics everywhere shivered as they wheezed.

2 - The creation of the Ultimate universe, which I guess I should blame Brian Michael Bendis for. It's basically establishing a continuous "What If" continuity as a way to recycle old stories with "a twist." For those of you who are not familiar with the works of M. Night Shamaylan - "twist" is a codeword for "something that sucks, and has the subtlety of a flaming chainsaw shovel." Something like "Cable is evil, only he's not, but he's Wolverine, I think." Stuff like that. Don't get me wrong, there have been cool moments in the Ultimate books, not to mention that I'll read a grocery list if it's written by Jeph Loeb (see Onslaught Reborn, discussed later on). Too, as real X-Men continuity got so thrashed by Morrison, it's fun to believe there's some universe where the X-Men aren't completely lame (which I guess is what Astonishing is for, but space is boring). And Ultimate did the right thing in terms of that they didn't UNDO the real continuity to tell these alternative stories, thank god. (Hear that, DC??) Nonetheless, the Ultimate universe has taken away creative talent from "real" books. You know, books that will still exist in five years and not be an anachronism. (Remember Nth Man, or Slapstick? How about SuperPro? Yup, I didn't think you would.)

3) Re-establishing universes in general. DC's Infinite Crisis, while employing a number of well-respected scribes working in tandem, to me is unjustifiable. When COIE hit in the 80s, the DC universe wasn't streamlined enough for new readers (even many established readers) to remember what happened in which reality - so they made ONE cohesive reality. Now we've gone from having one reality which worked for something like 20-25 years to 52ish realities. Batman has a son, for Christ's sake (who's a dick no less). Who's writing it you ask? Why it's our old friend - Grant Morrison. The one positive thing of Infinite Crisis is that DC has exclusive Morrison rights now, so he can't mess up any Marvel stuff in the foreseeable future. The one negative thing of Infinite Crisis is that Morrison has now screwed up the 1 title I care about for each company. I hope Denny O'Neil hits you in the head with a frying pan Morrison. And I hope Chris Claremont is holding you still while he does it.

4) Peter Parker sucks now more than ever. Spider-Man, the posterboy for the doubting inner-monologue in all of us (and therefore the grandfather of emo), had one thing going for him. Through all his incessant doubt and whining and his undeservingly having an incredibly hot girlfriend despite his constantly making poor decisions in general, (once he's done being indecisive) he had one phrase that kept him vaguely relevant. "With great power, comes great responsibility." He just sold his soul to Mephisto (comics' devil), which wrenches the last 20 years of continuity, in order to save Aunt May's life at the cost of his relationship with Mary Jane and/or their unborn child. Somehow or other at least one of the real Green Goblins are alive again, and the book comes out weekly now. Does selling your soul to the devil seem like a responsible decision? No. A human one, maybe, but not a responsible one. Thus, Spider-Man is now completely a nutsack. No, calling him a nutsack is too complimentary. The suckiest balls are like 'no way man, I'm cooler than Spider-Man.' JMS wrote this one, but not really. It was Joe Quesada's call.

5) Joe Quesada. As a guy I'd probably like Joe. As an artist I usually like Joe. Probably as a businessman I bet I'd like Joe. As the trustee of the few remaining remnants of the pop culture of my childhood which have not already been ruined by the uninformed profiteers of the modern media, I don't like Joe. Shy of DC's newest Crises, I'm pretty sure that everything I've discussed here has either been greenlit by, or at least not vetoed by, Joe. Remember the re-do of Age of Apocalypse, which sucked? On Joe's watch. Remember Onslaught Reborn? On Joe's watch. Remember Astonishing X-Men which takes place half in and half out of continuity? On Joe's watch. Remember Eternals? No? Good for you! (It was also on Joe's watch, featuring the 'everything has angles' artwork of John Romita Jr.) But all the Marvel movies have been on Joe's watch, and since I think Marvel views comics as monthly $3 ads for their films (which is where they make their real money) he's probably getting a thumbs up from everybody at corporate. I'm sure he cares about this stuff and has reasons for what he does. I just feel like a lot of it hasn't panned out. And how many fantastic artists have signed to DC during his tenure: Ian Churchill, the Kubert brothers, etc. That may not have any relation to anything listed above - but it does still suck.

I'm not incredibly rigid. There are changes I approve of. Skrulls all up in everything - cool. Hulk being an aboriginal guy turned space warrior, okay. Iron Man and Reed Richards being on the wrong side of a boring battle and generally being dickish - well that's just a given really. Speedball becoming some spiky-armor evil-looking guy who you might see at an S+M club on Halloween in Ybor at a Voldo look-alike contest - no problem. Wolverine being a turn-of-the-century pansy kid, which involved changing his name from Logan to James, and being the offspring of his mother's second (at least) illicit affair with the alcoholic help - why not? Captain America dying was stupid, but I have no specific problem with it as ultimately he succumbed to the outdatedness of his own ideals. (Sad.) Even Banshee dying was pointless, but at least he's a character that is kind of a C- at best. Storm marrying the Black Panther doesn't provoke my interest in the least but I'll let it slide. I'm just saying that if writers want to get "creative" in a wacky way (see "twist" above), go do it with Booster Gold, go do it with Ant-Man (or The Atom), go do it with Werewolf by Night or something, Darkhawk, Spider-Ham or somebody for chrissakes. Not the established flagship characters whose faces and logos are synonymous with your company.

Deconstruction might be all the rage right now, but sometimes a spaceship is better than the Lego pieces you put one together with.

The Birth of Apocalypse

I'm pretty sure Apocalypse is just a combination of Darkseid and Ra's Al Ghul - yet somehow he comes out cooler than both of them combined.


The Age of Apocalypse

The story: I was urged to create this blogspot thing at the behest of several people, and when creating any blog the computer makes you give your blog a name. I've previously said, "I bet anything someone puts for a blog name is a ropeless tetherball of retarded," but unfortunately 'ropeless tetherball of retarded' was already taken (see: sarcasm).

Well, it just so turned out that the AGE OF APOCALYPSE had been on my mind that day- as it had been (and rightfully so) every day since it came out in early 1995.

For those of you who don't know, the Age of Apocalypse was a four-month long crossover of the X-books which took place in an alternate dimension. Prof. Charles Xavier had died a premature death - thus rendering the Earth ripe for the picking by Apocalypse. (Because the largest obstacles are always hairless paraplegics.)

So I went back to thinking about the Age of Apocalypse and wondering how I could sum it up in one word. That word is 'awesomeness,' but as the same word is often used in any Keanu Reeves role, I knew I had to flesh it out a bit - and 'Awesomeness, whoa,' was not an option. So I wondered - why was the AoA so awesome? Because the writers and artists (and even characters) knew that out of all the components of anything, THE AWESOMENESS IS IMPORTANT. Yet, this still didn't seem to fit quite what I was going for. (After all, this blogspot account is the evolution of, and there's no reason to rest on laurels.)

What makes AoA so awesome, and how would I know? It's not like I was IN the Age of Apocalypse, right? Well, thanks to my good friend (and illustrator) Matt Smith, (not the famous one) Marvel's tragic oversight has been righted. Furthermore, his illustration is proof that even I would be cooler in the Age of Apocalypse. The Age of Apocalypse improves EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I'll now hand this over to Matt, who will explain his choices in character design.

Here we go, folks!!! (Matt Smith sez)

  1. I didn't know if you should be a mutant or a human, so with the big robot hand, it could be a glove or your mutant power could be beefy-handedness.
  2. Everybody looks like a bad-ass in a trench coat. It's a scientific fact. Yours has the groovy see-through part because I spent a lot of time working up the anatomy of the figure and didn't want to just cover it up in a coat.
  3. Along with his message of peace between humans and mutants, it's a little-known fact that Charles Xavier's was also a strong voice against facial tattoos. This is evident in the world where he never existed, where something like 80% of the characters in the age of apocalypse had tattoos on their faces, you included.
  4. Razors and shaving cream were among the first casualties of Apocalypse's rise to power, but beard trimmers are plentifully available on every street corner, so sculpted, Buff Bagwell sideburns are an absolute must!
  5. Big-assed rivets have replaced stitches in shirt collars. Even fashion isn't safe from Apocalypse's philosophy of "only the strong survive."
  6. After all of the TV stores were obliterated, a bored nation turned to the most entertaining pastime available: sit-ups.
  7. It's Marvel, everybody's got a metal something now-a-days and while it would be cool to have, I wasn't about to draw you a metal nutsack. So I went to the standard fallback and gave you the pimpy metal arm.
  8. The ripped torso wouldn't show it off very well, so I couldn't use the skull T-shirt I was going to use, you know, the one that made everyone in high school scared of you? Yeah, but I still have it represented in this slightly Gwar-esque belt buckle.
  9. Lastly, you still get to wear your Lugz in age of apocalypse, but for some reason, if one wears boots, his pants have to be tucked into them all army style. Perhaps this offered protection from some danger not revealed in the storyline of the comics…Apoca-rattle-snakes? We may never know.
Kudos, Matt - on a job damn well done.
Couldn't have done it better myself.


For more information on the Awesomeness that is The Original Age of Apocalypse, please check out Age of Apocalypse, Volumes 1-4 (but mostly just Volume 2).