Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Professor X: Fake Psychic, Psychic Dick, or Dope MC?

Has anybody else ever wondered this? If Professor X is this great psychic - why does he keep getting shot in the head? This is a guy who's been shot in the face at least twice, by X-Men no less, or at least by people claiming to be X-Men. He was shot in the face a third time by his own son!

He's like the 50 Cent of the Marvel Universe. (This should not be confused with 50 Cent's Elizabethan predecessor, 50 Pence.)

Good ol' Charlie X has been crippled and healed about 5 times (or more). He lobotomized Magneto. He turned super-evil once, so evil that people had to renumber things.

Every woman he's loved either hates him or is dead, and to be fair, while Wolverine can get away with using the 'I had no idea you were pregnant' line, it seems pretty weak from a guy who considers himself a telepath.

It seems to me the Prof. lacks even the most basic foresight, and frankly, the courtesy to even come up with a convincing lie. And the really horrible part is, if he is a telepath, he knows if you want him to lie to you and knows what lies you're willing to accept. He just ignores this, and I'm pretty sure that makes him a dick.

But more importantly, I'm thinking about Professor X imagining himself as a gangsta rapper. Below, you can enjoy his first single.
Prof X

(To the tune of 50 Cent's "In Da Club")

You can find me in the mansion, chillin' in the danger room,
Cuz I'm layin' down phat beats for all them tricks!
Won't do no dancin', even though I got that boom,
Cuz I'd rather be ridin' in my two-wheeled whip!

My life's luxury, up in West-cheddah, every one of you wants to be like me;
I've got mad ends, and I'm a trendsettah – been rollin' on spinners since '63!
Cuz I'm an o.g. - I guarantee, you ain't walked one track these wheels ain't worn.
Like Makaveli, except that I, faked my own death before 2pac was born!

Cuz' it's, Cerebros before Cerebhoes,
But no hate on hoes, because I got those,
The redhead Jean, and the White Queen,
Both fiends for my hellafied mutant lean.
Ya wanna hate on me, and call me mutie,
I'll head to outer space for some Shi'ar booty!
In the blackbird… Word.

Slippin' right on in, past their detection,
The ladies and me, that's my predilection,
You're thinkin' I'm soft cuz of natural selection,
But yo, I've got a rock hard astral projection!

Magneto, tryin' my patience, jealous of me and my dope-ass flings,
Playa-hatin, cuz he heard that I was with the Scarlet Witch and got all up inside Polaris' green!
Don't try me, tryin' to mess with my pro-fe-SO-REAL bling,
I might get evil – so evil that you'd have to renumber things!

When you hear my music, y'all should crank it,
Got a hottie training program under my lap blanket!
Ha ha!
You're Jugger-not hittin' any of that.

50 Cent of the Marvel U, ain't that somethin'?
You really woulda thought that I'da seen that comin'!
A psychic shot in the face, like nine times,
All I can say is that I blame smokin' up all those dimes!

The Brotherhood, at my door, tryin' to hate on my platinum,
But they don't, no they don't know, my records always go adamantium.
Bald Phoenix, call me Mr. So Fresh So Phat, So super Clean,
Don't need no pit bull – I've got a Wolverine...

More mutants more problems...
Word to your legal guardian....
This track is X-cellent.

Danger Room Records!!

(Side note: this has nothing to do with the rapper who calls himself Professor X. I had no clue that he even existed when I came up with this.)

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