Awesomeness that Comics has Lost

Believe it or not, this isn't about how comics used to be better than they are now; this is about two artists that aren't working in comics anymore - though I really wish they were. John Hebert and Arnie Jorgensen.

John Hebert (not 'Herbert') was in comics around the mid 90's, doing work on some Punisher titles and most of the 'season two' X-Men Adventures book. (You'll know which ones he did because they're the ones that look really good.) I always hoped Marvel would move John over to a 'real' X-Men book, (he drew the best Omega Red I've ever seen) but no such luck. (He was discovered by Mike Zeck and I believe, to some degree, was a protege.) While I don't know the details, rumor has it that some shady office politics stuff went down and suddenly John's out of a job and some other guy who wasn't half as good was propped up in his place. To me, that is a HUGE loss. If things had gone a different way, we would've had 10+ years of improvement upon his already kickin in '95 style. I've talked briefly with John, and he's got a 'never say never' attitude toward the industry - so there's at least a little bit of hope that we could see this type of dynamism return to comics.



Arnie Jorgensen, to the best of my knowledge, was 'lost' to comics in the same way that Joe Madureira was - video games. Now, I love video games - and I love comics - heck, I even love video games about comics (even when they suck, which they do about 3/4 of the time)... and I totally support artists moving to a profession where they can earn more and diversify their skill sets - but it sucks for me, the comic-buying consumer who likes their comics to look cool. Arnie did work mostly on fill-in issues for the Big Two, but he'll always be a legend to me for being the guy who introduced Prometheus. He did the full interiors for the Prometheus one-shot, along with the full-interiors to the JLA issue that introduced him. Tell me we couldn't use this guy in comics today.



Sidenote: apparently I am looking for way way more villains with helmets, and with things sticking out from their helmets...

My Comic Book Dream (#1)

Last night, while sleeping on the couch (not due to any awkwardness, but to my being child-on-Christmas-Eve excited... more on that later), I had a dream. This dream involved comic books, and I now feel one step closer to being Matt Fraction. (Note to self: Being Matt Fraction would be a really good indy film. What? Somebody already did something like that? Ah well...)

My dream? Relatively simple. Me, at a run-down diner somewhere sitting across a table from... Grant Morrison. I am wearing glasses; they are hard to see through. (In real life I 'should,' but do not, wear glasses.) Grant Morrison is much nicer than I'd expect, not arrogant at all, (neither am I) and it seems like we are old friends. I am still screwing with my glasses and am wondering if Grant likes coffee. I know I would like some coffee. In the dream, Grant is not Scottish - but British. That's about it.



On the way to work this morning, Girlfriend-of-Apocalypse mentions that he might've been British because Scottish would be a hard accent for me to do in a dream. She may be onto something. In the past, my mind has gone out of its way to amaze me in dreams, especially in hilarity - situations such as 'Bront Bacon Burnt' on a GI Joe dossier/filecard in which he declares 'this stache,' and another dream where Bront punches a dude in the face like 100 times anime style. (Note: that guy must've had like 3 sets of teeth MINIMUM.) Anyway - I'm pretty sure I could've made Morrison sound like Connery, but that's a totally different kind of Scottish than he actually is.

The point being, if there is one (which there's not) that I had a dream about Grant Morrison (which does NOT mean I find him 'dreamy'). And not a lot of it made sense, and not a lot happened. Even out of what did happen, I had a hard time being able to focus it in and was left wanting. So I believe this is proof that Grant Morrison is now writing my dreams. Unless he's a psychic. Wait. Bald guy, psychic... could it be???

Cliff Chiang is Awesome

This guy draws an awesome Batman, and is a Brooklyn local (as if he needed extra 'cool' points).

I've had trouble trying to explain Cliff's work. Simple but striking designs with a noir feel like Frank Miller or Mike Mignola? Yeah, but that's not it. Incredible use of black and shadow like Tim Sale? Yeah, but that's not it. The seemingly effortless 'pop' of Paul Gulacy? Yeah, but that's not it. Incredibly sexy femme fatales like Adam Hughes? Yeah, but that's not it. Organic undetectable lines like Marcos Martin or Stephane Roux? Yeah, but that's not it.

Then I saw this and it hit me.



Steranko.

Cliff Chiang has an uncanny ability with staging, and also with layering - with knowing what will make a striking image (whether simple or complex) and how best to creatively and originally arrange those aspects on the printed page. He puts thought into it. He's not drawing, he's capturing your attention subtly, whispering a story you can't wait to hear.

If you can't tell, I love this guy's work.

Here's Cliff's website, (check out the 'atomic bombshells,' which are crazy awesome,)
and here's Cliff's art sales.


Some career highlights are: The Creeper, LOTDK, Detective, Human Target, The Spectre, Dr. 13, and Green Arrow/Black Canary.

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome.

If I had to describe his work with one word, it's 'kinetic.' You can't look at something he's drawn without feeling the energy behind every line just waiting to burst out from the proverbial seams.




You might remember Jeff from his run on X-Factor back in the late 90's (apx 122-136), followed by Wolverine (apx 133-138), or his work on Kaboom, Buffy, Impulse, or Marvel Mangaverse. You might even remember from way back on Newmen or Troll.

Lately Jeff's been finding work outside of comics though, well, sort of. He was character designer (and executive producer) for The Batman, he's put together a little thing for Google you might've heard about, and is now working on the Marvel animated Wolverine vs. Hulk.

All I know is, this guy is awesome. Jeff Matsuda has consistently been awesome for well over ten years now. So go buy some of his stuff; he won't disappoint!

Professor X: Fake Psychic, Psychic Dick, or Dope MC?

Has anybody else ever wondered this? If Professor X is this great psychic - why does he keep getting shot in the head? This is a guy who's been shot in the face at least twice, by X-Men no less, or at least by people claiming to be X-Men. He was shot in the face a third time by his own son!

He's like the 50 Cent of the Marvel Universe. (This should not be confused with 50 Cent's Elizabethan predecessor, 50 Pence.)

Good ol' Charlie X has been crippled and healed about 5 times (or more). He lobotomized Magneto. He turned super-evil once, so evil that people had to renumber things.

Every woman he's loved either hates him or is dead, and to be fair, while Wolverine can get away with using the 'I had no idea you were pregnant' line, it seems pretty weak from a guy who considers himself a telepath.

It seems to me the Prof. lacks even the most basic foresight, and frankly, the courtesy to even come up with a convincing lie. And the really horrible part is, if he is a telepath, he knows if you want him to lie to you and knows what lies you're willing to accept. He just ignores this, and I'm pretty sure that makes him a dick.

But more importantly, I'm thinking about Professor X imagining himself as a gangsta rapper. Below, you can enjoy his first single.

(To the tune of 50 Cent's "In Da Club")

You can find me in the mansion, chillin' in the danger room,
Cuz I'm layin' down phat beats for all them tricks!
Won't do no dancin', even though I got that boom,
Cuz I'd rather be ridin' in my two-wheeled whip!

My life's luxury, up in West-cheddah, every one of you wants to be like me;
I've got mad ends, and I'm a trendsettah – been rollin' on spinners since '63!
Cuz I'm an o.g. - I guarantee, you ain't walked one track these wheels ain't worn.
Like Makaveli, except that I, faked my own death before 2pac was born!

Cuz' it's, Cerebros before Cerebhoes,
But no hate on hoes, because I got those,
The redhead Jean, and the White Queen,
Both fiends for my hellafied mutant lean.
Ya wanna hate on me, and call me mutie,
I'll head to outer space for some Shi'ar booty!
In the blackbird… Word.

Slippin' right on in, past their detection,
The ladies and me, that's my predilection,
You're thinkin' I'm soft cuz of natural selection,
But yo, I've got a rock hard astral projection!

Magneto, tryin' my patience, jealous of me and my dope-ass flings,
Playa-hatin, cuz he heard that I was with the Scarlet Witch and got all up inside Polaris' green!
Don't try me, tryin' to mess with my pro-fe-SO-REAL bling,
I might get evil – so evil that you'd have to renumber things!

When you hear my music, y'all should crank it,
Got a hottie training program under my lap blanket!
Ha ha!
You're Jugger-not hittin' any of that.

50 Cent of the Marvel U, ain't that somethin'?
You really woulda thought that I'da seen that comin'!
A psychic shot in the face, like nine times,
All I can say is that I blame smokin' up all those dimes!

The Brotherhood, at my door, tryin' to hate on my platinum,
But they don't, no they don't know, my records always go adamantium.
Bald Phoenix, call me Mr. So Fresh So Phat, So super Clean,
Don't need no pit bull – I've got a Wolverine...

More mutants more problems...
Word to your legal guardian....
This track is X-cellent.

Danger Room Records!!

(Side note: this has nothing to do with the rapper who calls himself Professor X. I had no clue that he even existed when I came up with this.)

Superman's Lesser-Known Superpowers...

While growing up, when my friends and I would play, "What Superhero would you be?" we always added the caveat, "and you can't pick Superman." Because being Superman is cheating, since he has basically every super-power there is.

He can fly, has heat vision and cold breath, can see through things (that aren't lead), is super strong, and has super hearing. (He can even turn coal briquettes into diamonds in case he ever needs some emergency scratch.) This is probably part of why I was never much a fan of Superman - since he was given basically every single power there was, I couldn't really relate to him. A perfect-born alien who everyone wants as their son and is at least mildly propagandic? I can think of at least four reasons that isn't me. And I'm awesome.

But for all we knew of Superman's breadth of abilities back in 1984, or 1996, or even last year, little did we know of the even wider array of "super" powers at Superman's command. (Many of these pics were swiped liberally from Superdickery.com)

Super-baking! Super-landscaping!!

Super-makeup-applying!!!

Super-weaving!!!! Super-crying regarding said Super-weaving!!!!! (drawn by the awesome Frank Cho) So? Superman happens to enjoy baking and landscaping, wearing makeup, and sewing. He is also a tad weepy. But it's not like I'm trying to lead you in any certain direction here. But I should point out, lastly... (wait for it) ...Super-vacation-planning!!!!!!

So, there you have it. And Superman, let's be honest. Once you get there, it'll be Super-Gay City. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that. (Note that "Gay City" is actually underlined. Like we might not notice it otherwise.) Maybe this is all just proof of the use of Pink Kryptonite throughout history. Yes, DC Comics has a Pink Kryptonite, and yes, it turns Superman/Clark Kent gay, at least stereotypically. Don't believe me? See below.
To clear your Super-palate, marvel at Superman's poor multiplication skills! Who would've thought his secret weakness would be third-grade mathematics? (Maybe "Earth Math" is different.)

"My, he's barrel-chested!" would be a way better thought balloon.

I can't help but get the feeling that Superman's saying this with the inflection of Billy Madison when asking, "Any more BRAIN-busters?" Beautiful.

Oh! For those of you who care, in the game, I always picked Batman. Because Batman is awesome. The best villains, the best city, the best costume, toys, house, vehicles, and for all his wealth - he was still just a guy who trained himself (to combat his misery no less). If anything was his super-power, it wasn't his incredibly disciplined human body, but his mind and his determination. Dreamers can be Superman, military guys can be Green Lantern, and science guys can be Flash (who's also pretty cool). But a guy who works his ass off every day to be just a little better than the day before - that's my superhero.

It doesn't hurt that he knows how to carry a zero correctly either.

Movie Batmans, from Worst to Best

There have been many silver-screen Batmen o'er the years, and leave it to me to chronicle them according to my opinion, which is also fact. Please note, I am awarding points only in complete bats, because Bat-fractions (not to be confused with Matt Fraction) would be harmful to the general bat population.

(0/4 bats)

George Clooney. Clooney has gone on record (see: audacity) saying that while Batman is not gay, he CHOSE TO PLAY HIM THAT WAY ANYWAY. Clooney, I'm all for keeping yourself entertained to avoid suicide, (it WAS a Schumacher flick, and Schumacher was the Ratner and/or Bay of the 90's) but misplaced homosexual motivations aside – this monstrosity should NEVER have happened. (I'm referring to the Clooney part, not the gay part.) It killed Batman on-screen for eight years. This is the absolute worst possible scenario for Batman, and in Bat-mathematical terms, Clooney (who fought a cold-based villain, no less,) is a lot like absolute zero. Anything is greater than Clooney. Clooney times infinity can't even amount to a Val Kilmer, or even a mixed drink CALLED a Val Kilmer. The lime wedge IN a Val Kilmer is more Batman than you Clooney. So is the bar back who cuts it. And his knife. (BAT-DRINK!)

(1/4 bats)

Val Kilmer. Kilmer was a smug genius smartass in Real Genius and either a goof, hardass, or combination of the two in Top Gun and Tombstone. Of course, Real Genius is the only one of these movies I really remember, because the others are dramas. (All I remember about Tombstone is Lowell from Wings getting shot like 40 times in slow motion… me and all my friends shouting out, "Loooooowellllllllll!!!" as he took something like three clips straight to the torso. HARD. He later grew up to be Sandman, alongside 'That 70's Venom.') Irrelevant Tombstone memories aside, we already had vestiges of genius AND hardass going for Kilmer, so this flat-out should've been better. It probably lost a lot due to: the non-Lando-Calrissian-Harvey-Dent (continuity, people!), the abominable Jim Carrey Fire-Marshall-Riddler ("Let me ask ya somethin'!"), the fact that Tim Burton wasn't directing it, and that Val, you know, wasn't Michael Keaton. Don't feel bad Val, you beat Clooney, and you honestly had a lot more going against you. That's a victory in itself. Go listen to the soundtrack from The Saint (but don't watch it!) and treat yourself to a Val Kilmer on the rocks. You've earned it buddy.

(2/4 bats)

Christian Bale. "Blasphemy," say many of you. Well, let it be said that I am not a person who always thinks newer is better. (It's called hype, people - learn to filter it.) Sure, Bale does a decent job, but I just didn't find his Batman a convincing hero, or HIM a convincing hero. Bale would've been better as a villain, like the Marilyn Manson Riddler of Jeff Matsuda's The Batman, who's voiced by Freddy Krueger. (God, I loved typing that sentence.) There's nothing heroic about a guy who looks like Todd McFarlane. Plus he's full of himself. He had a line in a recent interview about how "some of the Batmen who came before him did an alright job," but, (he then said something like) "these were guys who dressed up in Bat-suits, they didn't become Bats." Bale, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST, MOST ARROGANT SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD. If you BECAME a Bat, you'd be Man-Bat, a villain, and you'd probably be better at that. Your mouth would emit echo-location and your poop would be made into bowls by indigenous people. Until that happens, settle the hell down. Go watch a video of you flexing while banging random whores to Genesis songs. (see: American Psycho) You do not pass Wayne Manor and you do not collect a Val Kilmer. (I love the idea that in Bat-Monopoly, the bank is a bar.) I should demote you to Kilmer, Bale. Don't think I can't do it. OK, you can stay, but ONLY since your, "all you rich people can suck it," scene in Begins was awesome. And because Ra's al Ghul isn't a real villain, so you had that working against you. (Side note: there are seven 'real' Batman villains.) But Bale, you're not getting past two bats. Since your Batmobile is (chrissakes) a tank-ified Hummer, blame the bad Bat-mileage.

(3/4 bats)

TIE: Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy.

Beetlejuice as Batman? Like pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes says, "You're DAMMMMN right." (Mr. Hayes, R.I.P.) A lot of people say Bruce Wayne should be more attractive than Keaton. I say you can be average-looking if you're ludicrously rich, let alone if you KICK SERIOUS ASS. That backhand punch? Awesome. So the looks aren't a problem for me, because he looked good AS BATMAN, and Batman is the character I pay to see. Besides, those 'really-really-good-looking' Batmen – sucked. HARD. One movie a piece for those guys, because they were tools. And Batman is not a tool, not even with a Craftsman lifetime guarantee. (Kilmer was asked back, but turned it down. And Bale-lovers, I did take into consideration Bale's been asked back for a second film. See how he's above the solo-guys, and interrupting Keaton's post?) Back to Keaton – not only did he rock that shit, he rocked that shit EVEN THOUGH THE SOUNDTRACK WAS BY PRINCE. (I like Prince, a lot actually, but seriously. Nothing about Batman says "little pan-sexual purple Jehovah's Witness dude from Minnesota.") Also, no other Batman has earned his own dessert at Taco Bell. (BAT-CARBS!)

Kevin Conroy – who? The voice of Batman from Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League, two or three other DC cartoons and movies, and YES there were Batman TAS movies, so he's in. (You've found the curveball.) Is it unfair to include him, since I'm judging him solely on his voice and have no idea what he looks like on top of that he didn't physically appear in anything? NOT AT ALL. Because his voice is THAT BATMAN. His voice is Batman enough to outweigh Clooney, Kilmer, and Bale combined. Which, if you're keeping score, totals up to Kilmer and Bale. (BAT-MATH!!)

(4/4 bats)

Adam f-ing West. Yes, there was a 60's Batman movie – and Adam West is amazingly awesome in it, just like he is in everything he's ever done. If you like Bruce Campbell, think of Adam West as his more-player uncle who taught him the ropes. West's joke-on-purpose Batman of the 60's helped revitalize the character across all genres. Hell, if BOB KANE thanked him for it then it should be good enough for you! He's got some bit role in every Bat-cartoon, works on Family Guy, etc – and do you know why? Because EVERYBODY LOVES HIM. He can grab your girlfriend's boob right in front of you, play it off like he didn't mean it, and you'll end up apologizing to him or asking him to grab her boob again so you can get a picture this time. He's THAT pimp. This is a guy with a great sense of humor, a really big heart, and is still active in the fan community. Return to the Batcave, anybody? Also 75% of 'West' is also present in 'best.' Coincidence, or providence?

And now, I must bid you adieu (like the butt-checking-out Gambit), but will leave you with this mind-bender...

And also, what could've been...

I'm Just Saying...

...I'm pretty sure Stewie from Family Guy grows up to be the Calendar Man.

Please note: if this shows up on Family Guy (or Robot Chicken), this will be at least my third idea that has been incorporated into television, and indisputable proof that Hollywood sifts through my blogs. Or at least that Seth Green or Seth McFarlane owes me a donut or something. (Seths, I like the apple orchard kind.)

The same holds true if Stewie places a colander on his head and says something like, "The Colander Man was being forgotten about, and that is unacceptable."

Why X-Men: The Animated Series is Awesome

For those of you who care, you already know that X-Men the Animated Series has not been released on DVD in seasons. However, a few episodes were released years back on overpriced single DVD's - and we got one of these in the mail from Netflix yesterday. Aside from a number of things that made this show awesome, our DVD included a scene of Gambit and Rogue talking in a French cafe - where Gambit checks out a girl's butt who walks by him when Rogue isn't looking. If that isn't awesome, I don't know what is. (Below is an artistic interpretation.)

Grant Morrison...

While my existence is likely unbeknownst to him, (as I have not yet executed the great My-Friend-Scott Switcheroo) Grant Morrison and I share some history.

Grant Morrison started out in comics writing things I kind of consider 'not real comics.' I know nothing about Animal Man, though it's praised now (as everything he's written is) and while I tried reading The Invisibles at an early age, it was just too tangential for me. (Too tangential FOR ME.) Too riding on the 'weird for the sake of being weird' po-mo SLC style that ran rampant in the Vertigo titles after Sandman caught on with reader-types. (Sidenote: if you want comics to read like high literature, read high literature. Don't mess up my comic books to make yourself feel cooler and less stuffy.)

Then he went to work on JLA in the 90s. JLA freakin' rocked. Here, Grant Morrison created Prometheus, possibly the only useful Batman villain created in the last 25 years, (though he did kinda copy him off an existing character) and somehow made the addition of an angel to the team not feel contrived. He even found a use for The Atom, which is pretty respectable in itself.

Then, oh then, the horror begins. New X-Men. X-Men has pretty much sucked since about 1996, definitely since 1998 without a doubt. I would say, "You ruined Magneto, you horrible bastard," but I'm unsure how much blame belongs with him and how much belongs with Editorial. Nonetheless, X-Men has continued to seriously suck thanks to his Matrix-izing of everything, (see: the X-Men films) and the confusing ruination of their greatest foe.

So, having ruined one of the two comics I loved, he's now moved on to the other, Batman. He's been writing Batman for about 2 years now and seemingly building to something, but never really making sense. People talk about what his literary aims or his overarching themes, but not a one of them can tell you what's actually happening, or even which 'Earth' it takes place on. There are two potential vague answers.

a) There is an unknown-as-to-who-it-is character called The Black Glove who is orchestrating basically everything evil, at least that's Batman related. The forerunners on the internet are: Alfred (and/or his Outsider persona), Batman himself having a split personality, Batman's father - if he isn't really dead, the Crimson Avenger (a Detective character that preceded Batman's debut), Harley Quinn, the Batman from Earth X (aka Zur En Arrh), the list goes on and on - and probably none of them are right. I won't even go into Bruce's skank of a girlfriend being named Jezebel and what that implies.

b) Grant Morrison is making Batman suck.

I will leave it up to you to decide which is correct.

All I know is that DC's saying Bruce Wayne dies, which pretty much means nothing. (Who hasn't died, especially in DC?)

There's a part of me that remembers JLA rocking the house, and really hopes Grant has a solid grasp of where he's going and to tell a story that's not stupid or irreparable. There's another part of me who remembers his chainsaw-handed sodomy of Magneto and hopes to god Editorial remembers they're working with multiple worlds right now so that they could easily just fold this one into oblivion no matter what happens.

What's important is this. Bruce Wayne, if he dies, should become the Spectre. Hal Jordan was the Spectre and he's alive again. The guy who's the Spectre now sucks ass at it (unless he's finally stepped up his game). They heavily hinted at Bruce becoming the Spectre in Infinite Crisis.

So now that I can't read X-Men anymore (thanks to Grant Morrison), I am buying Batman and Final Crisis (both written by Grant Morrison). We live in a very confusing world.

All the Golden Guys with the Horns

Okay. So DC has Magog and Gog. Both are different (?) yet related characters who look essentially the same. DC villains created with a nod to the 'golden calf' motif, as they're clothed in gold and have big shiny gold horns. In the upcoming Final Crisis, there's Satanus - who, when I first saw him I thought was Gog, or Magog. Another golden guy with horns, another DC villain. And in a conversation the other day, somebody said, "like Loki?" A Marvel villain. Who wears yellow (and green) and has yellow horns. What is with this already?

Stephane Roux is Awesome

Stephane Roux is awesome. Even if you know comic books there's a good chance you don't know who he is yet, because he hasn't really had a steady interiors gig - as he's quickly becoming a DC cover artist. While he's done some Countdown covers and a lot for Birds of Prey, he (thus far) is most notably the artist who's done the majority of the recent DC house ads, often referred to as 'anti-inspirational ads' since they're published in the format of those cheesy office-motivational posters.

So far he's done:
Libra (Injustice)
Mongul (Domination)
Hush (Envy)
Satanus (Insurrection)
Brainiac (Oppression)
Ambush Bug (Unvictorious)

Here's my favorite.



Penciller, Inker, Colorist. This guy is awesome. Don't believe me?

Go to www.frenchbulldogstudio.com, and click on 'Stephane.'

Wanna buy originals? Go to www.comicart.cc and email his art agent!

Giving Comic Books a Bad Name

I would like to detail, briefly, some things that have happened in the last 10 or so years in comics which have greatly cheapened them to me.

1 - Grant Morrison's run on X-Men. This is the man responsible for making Beast look like a housecat. He is also the man I blame for (more on this later) annihilating any semblance of logic regarding Magneto, the X-Men's greatest villain for roughly forty years of publishing. And Morrison created Cassandra Nova too. Who's Cassandra Nova? She's a bald chick who's Professor X's unborn evil twin who he murdered in the womb but then lived in a sewer grate as psychic energy for 50 years or something while plotting her revenge. I wish I was making that up. Somebody did make that up and got paid for making it up. And his name is Grant Morrison. (I sometimes think his homepage jpg was created especially for me.) All I can think of is that Grant must've gotten into some bad peyote while he was writing this (as his prior run on JLA was pretty good). The big villain of his X-Men story arc, by the way - mold. Like as in, "dust, mold, and mildew." Asthmatics everywhere shivered as they wheezed.

2 - The creation of the Ultimate universe, which I guess I should blame Brian Michael Bendis for. It's basically establishing a continuous "What If" continuity as a way to recycle old stories with "a twist." For those of you who are not familiar with the works of M. Night Shamaylan - "twist" is a codeword for "something that sucks, and has the subtlety of a flaming chainsaw shovel." Something like "Cable is evil, only he's not, but he's Wolverine, I think." Stuff like that. Don't get me wrong, there have been cool moments in the Ultimate books, not to mention that I'll read a grocery list if it's written by Jeph Loeb (see Onslaught Reborn, discussed later on). Too, as real X-Men continuity got so thrashed by Morrison, it's fun to believe there's some universe where the X-Men aren't completely lame (which I guess is what Astonishing is for, but space is boring). And Ultimate did the right thing in terms of that they didn't UNDO the real continuity to tell these alternative stories, thank god. (Hear that, DC??) Nonetheless, the Ultimate universe has taken away creative talent from "real" books. You know, books that will still exist in five years and not be an anachronism. (Remember Nth Man, or Slapstick? How about SuperPro? Yup, I didn't think you would.)

3) Re-establishing universes in general. DC's Infinite Crisis, while employing a number of well-respected scribes working in tandem, to me is unjustifiable. When COIE hit in the 80s, the DC universe wasn't streamlined enough for new readers (even many established readers) to remember what happened in which reality - so they made ONE cohesive reality. Now we've gone from having one reality which worked for something like 20-25 years to 52ish realities. Batman has a son, for Christ's sake (who's a dick no less). Who's writing it you ask? Why it's our old friend - Grant Morrison. The one positive thing of Infinite Crisis is that DC has exclusive Morrison rights now, so he can't mess up any Marvel stuff in the foreseeable future. The one negative thing of Infinite Crisis is that Morrison has now screwed up the 1 title I care about for each company. I hope Denny O'Neil hits you in the head with a frying pan Morrison. And I hope Chris Claremont is holding you still while he does it.

4) Peter Parker sucks now more than ever. Spider-Man, the posterboy for the doubting inner-monologue in all of us (and therefore the grandfather of emo), had one thing going for him. Through all his incessant doubt and whining and his undeservingly having an incredibly hot girlfriend despite his constantly making poor decisions in general, (once he's done being indecisive) he had one phrase that kept him vaguely relevant. "With great power, comes great responsibility." He just sold his soul to Mephisto (comics' devil), which wrenches the last 20 years of continuity, in order to save Aunt May's life at the cost of his relationship with Mary Jane and/or their unborn child. Somehow or other at least one of the real Green Goblins are alive again, and the book comes out weekly now. Does selling your soul to the devil seem like a responsible decision? No. A human one, maybe, but not a responsible one. Thus, Spider-Man is now completely a nutsack. No, calling him a nutsack is too complimentary. The suckiest balls are like 'no way man, I'm cooler than Spider-Man.' JMS wrote this one, but not really. It was Joe Quesada's call.

5) Joe Quesada. As a guy I'd probably like Joe. As an artist I usually like Joe. Probably as a businessman I bet I'd like Joe. As the trustee of the few remaining remnants of the pop culture of my childhood which have not already been ruined by the uninformed profiteers of the modern media, I don't like Joe. Shy of DC's newest Crises, I'm pretty sure that everything I've discussed here has either been greenlit by, or at least not vetoed by, Joe. Remember the re-do of Age of Apocalypse, which sucked? On Joe's watch. Remember Onslaught Reborn? On Joe's watch. Remember Astonishing X-Men which takes place half in and half out of continuity? On Joe's watch. Remember Eternals? No? Good for you! (It was also on Joe's watch, featuring the 'everything has angles' artwork of John Romita Jr.) But all the Marvel movies have been on Joe's watch, and since I think Marvel views comics as monthly $3 ads for their films (which is where they make their real money) he's probably getting a thumbs up from everybody at corporate. I'm sure he cares about this stuff and has reasons for what he does. I just feel like a lot of it hasn't panned out. And how many fantastic artists have signed to DC during his tenure: Ian Churchill, the Kubert brothers, etc. That may not have any relation to anything listed above - but it does still suck.

I'm not incredibly rigid. There are changes I approve of. Skrulls all up in everything - cool. Hulk being an aboriginal guy turned space warrior, okay. Iron Man and Reed Richards being on the wrong side of a boring battle and generally being dickish - well that's just a given really. Speedball becoming some spiky-armor evil-looking guy who you might see at an S+M club on Halloween in Ybor at a Voldo look-alike contest - no problem. Wolverine being a turn-of-the-century pansy kid, which involved changing his name from Logan to James, and being the offspring of his mother's second (at least) illicit affair with the alcoholic help - why not? Captain America dying was stupid, but I have no specific problem with it as ultimately he succumbed to the outdatedness of his own ideals. (Sad.) Even Banshee dying was pointless, but at least he's a character that is kind of a C- at best. Storm marrying the Black Panther doesn't provoke my interest in the least but I'll let it slide. I'm just saying that if writers want to get "creative" in a wacky way (see "twist" above), go do it with Booster Gold, go do it with Ant-Man (or The Atom), go do it with Werewolf by Night or something, Darkhawk, Spider-Ham or somebody for chrissakes. Not the established flagship characters whose faces and logos are synonymous with your company.

Deconstruction might be all the rage right now, but sometimes a spaceship is better than the Lego pieces you put one together with.

The Birth of Apocalypse

I'm pretty sure Apocalypse is just a combination of Darkseid and Ra's Al Ghul - yet somehow he comes out cooler than both of them combined.

The Age of Apocalypse

The story: I was urged to create this blogspot thing at the behest of several people, and when creating any blog the computer makes you give your blog a name. I've previously said, "I bet anything someone puts for a blog name is a ropeless tetherball of retarded," but unfortunately 'ropeless tetherball of retarded' was already taken (see: sarcasm).

Well, it just so turned out that the AGE OF APOCALYPSE had been on my mind that day- as it had been (and rightfully so) every day since it came out in early 1995.

For those of you who don't know, the Age of Apocalypse was a four-month long crossover of the X-books which took place in an alternate dimension. Prof. Charles Xavier had died a premature death - thus rendering the Earth ripe for the picking by Apocalypse. (Because the largest obstacles are always hairless paraplegics.)

So I went back to thinking about the Age of Apocalypse and wondering how I could sum it up in one word. That word is 'awesomeness,' but as the same word is often used in any Keanu Reeves role, I knew I had to flesh it out a bit - and 'Awesomeness, whoa,' was not an option. So I wondered - why was the AoA so awesome? Because the writers and artists (and even characters) knew that out of all the components of anything, THE AWESOMENESS IS IMPORTANT. Yet, this still didn't seem to fit quite what I was going for. (After all, this blogspot account is the evolution of www.myspace.com/theawesomenessisimportant, and there's no reason to rest on laurels.)

What makes AoA so awesome, and how would I know? It's not like I was IN the Age of Apocalypse, right? Well, thanks to my good friend (and illustrator) Matt Smith, (not the famous one) Marvel's tragic oversight has been righted. Furthermore, his illustration is proof that even I would be cooler in the Age of Apocalypse. The Age of Apocalypse improves EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I'll now hand this over to Matt, who will explain his choices in character design.

Here we go, folks!!! (Matt Smith sez)

1. I didn't know if you should be a mutant or a human, so with the big robot hand, it could be a glove or your mutant power could be beefy-handedness.
2. Everybody looks like a bad-ass in a trench coat. It's a scientific fact. Yours has the groovy see-through part because I spent a lot of time working up the anatomy of the figure and didn't want to just cover it up in a coat.
3. Along with his message of peace between humans and mutants, it's a little-known fact that Charles Xavier's was also a strong voice against facial tattoos. This is evident in the world where he never existed, where something like 80% of the characters in the age of apocalypse had tattoos on their faces, you included.
4. Razors and shaving cream were among the first casualties of Apocalypse's rise to power, but beard trimmers are plentifully available on every street corner, so sculpted, Buff Bagwell sideburns are an absolute must!
5. Big-assed rivets have replaced stitches in shirt collars. Even fashion isn't safe from Apocalypse's philosophy of "only the strong survive."
6. After all of the TV stores were obliterated, a bored nation turned to the most entertaining pastime available: sit-ups.
7. It's Marvel, everybody's got a metal something now-a-days and while it would be cool to have, I wasn't about to draw you a metal nutsack. So I went to the standard fallback and gave you the pimpy metal arm.
8. The ripped torso wouldn't show it off very well, so I couldn't use the skull T-shirt I was going to use, you know, the one that made everyone in high school scared of you? Yeah, but I still have it represented in this slightly Gwar-esque belt buckle.
9. Lastly, you still get to wear your Lugz in age of apocalypse, but for some reason, if one wears boots, his pants have to be tucked into them all army style. Perhaps this offered protection from some danger not revealed in the storyline of the comics…Apoca-rattle-snakes? We may never know.

Kudos, Matt - on a job damn well done.
Couldn't have done it better myself.



For more information on the Awesomeness that is The Original Age of Apocalypse, please check out Age of Apocalypse, Volumes 1-4 (but mostly just Volume 2).