Wednesday, August 13, 2008

An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret...

This post was prompted by this story.

I'll begin by explaining 'why me.' No, I am not a woman and, despite my being far from 'normal', I do not like to dress like one (see my men's clothing post from 8/12/06). However, I am a man which, let's be honest, IS your intended market, whether directly or indirectly. I should be fish in a barrel for you. With that being said, I would like to provide some insights.

Within the last year I accompanied my girlfriend to one of your stores, who was there to buy a simple bra - and I had a good amount of free time to wander the store aimlessly while my girlfriend considered her options. NOTHING IN THE STORE even gave me half a boner! And, while I couldn't see her, my girlfriend was half naked like 30 feet away. So, Victoria's Secret - I am sending you back to boner school.

Rule 1 - Quit writing the word 'PINK' on everything (in gigantic letters no less). We know, you think you're being clever. Well, 'pink' as an entendre wasn't clever when Steven Tyler sang it like 11 years before and it damn well isn't now. We get it. Several of the things you sell touch (gasp!) vaginas. Not clever, tacky. Let me write it how you might understand it. TACKY.

Rule 2 - If you can't be simple, or classy, or elegant, at least try to be intelligent. This is a woman's body. The single most alluring, provocative, and revered form on the face of the earth. You can essentially drape it in a towel and it's hot, but you sell brown panties with pastel blue and canary yellow polka dots. No. I think not. (I swear.)

Rule 3 - If you want to be a lingerie store, SELL LINGERIE. Have the styles, colors, and sizes in stock, and employ salespeople who know where that stock is kept. Furthermore, while women love lotions and gels and other 3oz containers of paste that cost $20 and smell like exotic sea urchins from remote parts of the Mediterranean, that's not lingerie. For that matter, neither is 'sleepwear' (aka a pair of $10 sweatpants with a giant 'PINK' across the back for like $30). And why do you sell 'regular' clothes? What woman wants a $200 blazer, much less from Victoria's Secret?

Rule 4 - Get over yourselves. The article above is about how you at Victoria's Secret feel you are losing your marketbase because you're being 'too sexy,' which to me sounds like misplaced blame and/or pandering to militant right-wingers who'd prefer all women just had penises anyway (which would get in the way of their whole 'family values' movement, but they've never been that good at thinking things through, have they?). But, let's be honest Victoria's Secret. If a 28 year old guy who can get a boner in his sleep can't get one in your store, you are nowhere near being 'too sexy.' Unless of course in the sense of magnetic poles, where you've gone so far past sexy that you're actually now at 'not sexy,' or perhaps it's in the sense of the Right Said Fred song, (which is also not sexy,) and you're simply too sexy for my business.

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