Friday, February 27, 2009

Hush or Darkman? You decide!



Hush 2

Hush or Darkman?


A hat and a gun folks.
When it comes right down to it -
a hat and a gun.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

(In a Nutshell: One Guy’s Take on Where the X-Men Went Astray, aka,) Whatever Happened to the Children of the Atom?

When I was a kid, the X-Men were hated by a world that didn't understand them. But I understood them: railed against for being different, trying to figure out their purpose(s), who to trust and where they fit in. The story kernel of "the outsider" is relatable.

Today, the X-Men are still hated by a world that doesn’t understand them. What's changed is that I’m not so sure their publisher understands them either.

Below are some of the larger points of disagreement that I have with the handling of the X-Men mythos over the last decade.

The release of the first X-Men film (2000)
The X-Men uploaded into the sleek patent-leather of The Matrix and Marvel got insanely paid. Duplication and emulation were bound to follow. It was good for the pocketbook, but would prove bad for the cohesiveness and integrity of the franchise. This coincided with Joe Quesada's appointment to Editor-in-Chief.

The creation of the Ultimate Universe (2000-2001)
As the casual fan (aka non-comic-reading-moviegoer) might not understand the "regular" comics (which disagree with the movie in several regards) a “do-over” of the X-Men mythos was in order. Sort of like “What If,” only less different and much longer. Still Matrixy.

Grant Morrison’s New X-Men (2001)
An attempt to Ultimatize™ the regular X-Men – well, I’ll limit myself to fifteen words on this one.

Magneto – addict,
Beast – a cat,
Cassandra Nova - Stupid.
Beak - really?
The villain was mold.

Wolverine Origin (2001-2002) and, vicariously, the second X-Men film (2003)
Purportedly, the rationale here was to tell Wolverine’s origin before the movie (X-Men 2) did. X-Men 2 touched briefly on the adamantium bonding process and the Weapon X story. It did not involve finding out that Logan was a 200+ year old prissy-pants named James who wore frilly shirts, or that Logan/James’ mom was kind of a whore.

Sidebar: Wolverine’s name: James Howlett. Get it? Like Howl? I despise character names that are supposed to “subtly” inform their personae. Like Steadfarst Everymann, Petale L'Delicat, or Honesty McGoodLawyer. But this is worse, because - you know what howls? Coyotes, wolves. Not Wolverines. Marvel loves to equate Wolverine with more esteemed creatures. Guys – he’s not some forest spirit and he isn’t noble. Wolverines are short little hairy ugly fighty guys who kind of grunt at you. They could’ve at least named him James Offputting, or James Fartsnstabs.

Real Wolverine

This is a real wolverine, which probably weighs less than 50 lbs.

Astonishing X-Men (2004)
Unlike Ultimate X-Men, which has the decency to take place outside of normal continuity, Astonishing takes a fence-straddling approach that can only be described as, “these editors don’t talk to each other, or they don’t care, or they don’t think the readers will.” Since the book sells through the roof, apparently they were right about most potential readers. Also, Colossus is back. And he never died. Also, more Cassandra Nova. And space. (Whedon.)

Wolverine Origins (2006)
Six words here.

Written by Daniel Way.
Also, Daken.

Daken Sings
Sing it loud, buddy.
If only, "tonight you'd be gone."

The X-Men move to San Francisco (2008)
‘Nuff Said.
Also, Mr. Sinister is a chick now.

In closing, please note:
I do not hate Joe Quesada, Grant Morrison, or the entire work of either. Yes, I paid money to see all three X-Men films (though not any of the other Marvel films). I do not think the Ultimate Universe completely sucks.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

NYCC 09 (Why Deadpool Owes Me a Drink)

In forty-eight hours I shook Dusty Rhodes' hand, met Unemployed Skeletor, bought awesome art for myself from Chris Uminga, and another baby sketch for gf-of-Apocalypse from Tom Raney. Of course I also snapped some pics of the promotions and cosplayers.

Underwear of Vengeance

Is "Yatter" Japanese for "tighty-whitey?" All I know is, this logo passed through SEVERAL hands before apparently resulting in a hero with a pair of drauze on his chest. (With a swooped waist to accentuate the gut. And a shaded-taint-area. These are totally some Grandad Freeman undies.) Does that say "The Ultimate Entertainment: Testicles from Japan?" I mean, hey, I like being entertained - but I think I'll pass. Just thinking about it makes me want to Yatter-cry... which means tighty-whitey cry. (That's why I wear boxers.)


Dave of Apocalyptic Evenings with Skelly. No. The immovable object and the unstoppable force. Not really. Nacho cheese and dryer lint. Gross. Unemployed Skeletor and Dave of Apocalypse. That'll do I guess. With great power comes... ah, screw it. Our hand gestures say it all.


(All that's missing are the Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruitys.)

And now - the BEST cosplay picture of the whole con.
Why, you ask? Look it over first... (drumroll please....) - it's because...


Deadpool had NOTHING to do with the other people in this photo.

I wanted a picture of Deadpool. The TMNT'ers thought I wanted a picture of them so they posed. Deadpool got out of the way, and I'm like, "No, you get in there too Deadpool."

DP was on the other side of Casey, but was pretty quick to flank April. (Sticking to character, Casey didn't say anything.) Where's Deadpool's right hand? Might April's enthusiasm tell the tale? Probably not - but either way Deadpool owes me a drink. Albeit inadvertently, it was because of me he got to get this close to April. But that's not what makes it the best picture.

It's the best cosplay picture of the con because, most importantly, I'm pretty sure this entire scenario is EXACTLY what the real Deadpool would've done in this situation. Nonchalantly mackin.

Lookout fellas, if Deadpool is real (which this photo obviously proves) he's coming for your girlfriends - and with that healing factor of his, you'll never beat him in a fight - so you'd better just hope your girlfriend isn't into wisecracking unkillable assassins. Since that's about as likely as you not wanting to be a spy with two sets of junk and an immunity to STDs, you should probably just remind her his face looks like hamburger, and just hope she's not into masks. Yeah - that's probably best.