Thursday, August 21, 2008

Batman and Robin: The Eleven-Year-Late Review

Okay, so it's been well-established this is the most horrible Bat-film ever – and I'm willing to bet that this has been dissected by umpteen (my grandpa's favorite measurement) bloggers in the 11 years since its release, so I will refrain from commenting on Bat-nipples, homosexual overtones, or bludgeoning the cold references to death. But since, contrary to popular belief, I had NEVER seen this film until recent weeks, I'm giving you the shorthand of this horrible experience. I have NO idea of what to expect AT ALL, except that it will probably suck.

13 MINUTES IN... so far this movie's featured the following: ice-skating, crazy hockey villain guys, a dinosaur corpse making a living dinosaur sound when it falls apart for some reason, the same window getting shattered multiple times, surfing, The Frozenator with pretty-as-a-princess Butterfly wings (at about 7:42 in this video), a TMNT reference, and Frozenator's ice-penis rocketship. Note: refer to this as the 'cold cock,' you know – like a punch. Nothing else. Also, this section featured a Frozenator quote that's something along the lines of "Hahbeenjahs ovya doooom!"

26 MINUTES IN... Robin was TOTALLY frozen, Bane has a spiky crotch, Robin is a dick for no reason, Ivy is way porno and way over the top.

39 MINUTES IN... Frozenator is watching cartoons and making his thugs unenthusiastically sing along while he smokes some weird ice cigar (seriously), Alicia Silverstone (who is NOT Batgirl, or even an actress) appears and leaves the mansion via bed-linens strung out the window. Wow. Also, Porno Ivy waves her finger around. A lot. (She loves her some finger.)

52 MINUTES IN... Frozenator totally skips over half of the frozen newspaper's headline, speaking only three random words, "Bruce Wayne… diamonds," which I found to be the funniest part of the movie. (At least he got the three words that mattered.) Porno Ivy has a cotton-candy-ape dance, and makes a reference to that her "garden needs tending." She goes on to say that either Batman or Robin is "about to hit the honeypot." I swear to god. "About to hit the honeypot." So of course, Batman whips out his Batman American Express - because apparently she's a Bat-whore. (She's like the most disappointing experience you could have with really meeting a SuicideGirl. You think she's going to be a turbo-slut, but instead she's just really cheesy.)

Why does this movie exist?

Also, at roughly 49 minutes we nearly have the first mainstream appearance of shinshi shinshi.

AFTER 52 MINUTES… time and space have become meaningless to me, and it is no longer possible to check in at any sort of checked interval.

:56 – There are Turkish baths filled with Busta Rhymes video rejects.

1:01 – Alicia Silverstone steals a Wayne motorcycle, and a really cool song happens to be playing in the background. There is some seriously The Warriors type shit going down. Coolio makes an appearance; it really should've been Busta Rhymes to make sense (?) for the extras. Also, these guys have somehow found a way to even make Molotov cocktails suck.

They found a way to make MOLOTOV COCKTAILS SUCK.

1:03 – Why do Porno Ivy's green gardening gloves have what look like red fingernails painted on them? Why is Bane's skin green?? Porno Ivy says, "I'll help you grab your rocks." (She wants his icy balls so much that her tongue is almost stuck to them.)

1:11 – Porno Ivy makes an action figure reference, which would be breaking a wall - if there were any walls holding this thing together to begin with.

1:18 – My girlfriend asks, "Why does Bane have a fedora and a trench coat on? Are they hiding him? Is he supposed to look like Rorschach?"

I don't think they knew who Rorschach was, but even if Bane was supposed to look like The Question, it was still retarded. (Note: the idea of hiding a green-skinned luchador-masked muscle guy with tubes in the back of his head by wearing a trench coat is absolutely awesome, though sadly it is also the epitome of creativity, accidental or otherwise, in this "film.")

1:28 – the crazy hockey guys return. Sure. At this point, why not?

1:35 – Alfred Headroom. Drink New Coke and be a stockbroker. Or something. Wow. Why not just make a Noid reference?

1:37 – Porno Ivy makes a "slippery when wet" reference… regarding herself... it doesn't even give me half a boner.

1:39 – Catfight!! Including Ivy using an Ivy whip (not the cool Soulcalibur kind, but the sucky plant kind). Judging by her lilypad-pond, apparently Porno Ivy is part of the thinktank behind MXC.

1:42 – Robin's motorcycle now has one of those swamp-town airboat fans on the back of it. Apparently, Dick Grayson hails from a Southern lineage. (He's probably lackadaisically driving it down yonder a piece - to get some crawdads I reckon.)

THE CREDITS!! Thank god. My girlfriend and I tried to decide who was most at fault in the making of this monstrosity. The answer: EVERYONE BUT ALFRED.

It turns out the hockey guys were technically, "Ice Thugs." Who knew? They didn't look like thugs to me. They didn't even look like Bone Thugs.

The credits are run to BOTH Billy Corgan AND R. Kelly songs. Billy Corgan could explain the aforementioned butterfly-wings. R. Kelly could explain my vague sense of having recently been peed on. Even the credits are not a release from the sweet horror of this abysmal wreck.

Screw Psycho-Pirate, the Pied Piper and Jimmy Olsen. If the Anti-Life Equation really exists on Earth, I am CERTAIN a portion of it resides in this film. (It's a good thing Darkseid doesn't read my blog.)

So, congratulations Batman and Robin. You really made the silver screen bronze.

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