Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Superman's Lesser-Known Superpowers...

While growing up, when my friends and I would play, "What Superhero would you be?" we always added the caveat, "and you can't pick Superman." Because being Superman is cheating, since he has basically every super-power there is.

He can fly, has heat vision and cold breath, can see through things (that aren't lead), is super strong, and has super hearing. (He can even turn coal briquettes into diamonds in case he ever needs some emergency scratch.) This is probably part of why I was never much a fan of Superman - since he was given basically every single power there was, I couldn't really relate to him. A perfect-born alien who everyone wants as their son and is at least mildly propagandic? I can think of at least four reasons that isn't me. And I'm awesome.

But for all we knew of Superman's breadth of abilities back in 1984, or 1996, or even last year, little did we know of the even wider array of "super" powers at Superman's command. (Many of these pics were swiped liberally from Superdickery.com)

Super-baking! SuperBaking Super-landscaping!!

SuperLandscaping Super-makeup-applying!!!

SuperMakeupApplying Super-weaving!!!! SuperWeaving Super-crying regarding said Super-weaving!!!!! (drawn by the awesome Frank Cho) SuperCrying So? Superman happens to enjoy baking and landscaping, wearing makeup, and sewing. He is also a tad weepy. But it's not like I'm trying to lead you in any certain direction here. But I should point out, lastly... (wait for it) ...Super-vacation-planning!!!!!!

SuperVacationPlanning So, there you have it. And Superman, let's be honest. Once you get there, it'll be Super-Gay City. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that. (Note that "Gay City" is actually underlined. Like we might not notice it otherwise.) Maybe this is all just proof of the use of Pink Kryptonite throughout history. Yes, DC Comics has a Pink Kryptonite, and yes, it turns Superman/Clark Kent gay, at least stereotypically. Don't believe me? See below. SupermanPink
To clear your Super-palate, marvel at Superman's poor multiplication skills! Who would've thought his secret weakness would be third-grade mathematics? (Maybe "Earth Math" is different.)
"My, he's barrel-chested!" would be a
way better thought balloon.

I can't help but get the feeling that Superman's saying this with the inflection of Billy Madison when asking, "Any more BRAIN-busters?" Beautiful.

Oh! For those of you who care, in the game, I always picked Batman. Because Batman is awesome. The best villains, the best city, the best costume, toys, house, vehicles, and for all his wealth - he was still just a guy who trained himself (to combat his misery no less). If anything was his super-power, it wasn't his incredibly disciplined human body, but his mind and his determination. Dreamers can be Superman, military guys can be Green Lantern, and science guys can be Flash (who's also pretty cool). But a guy who works his ass off every day to be just a little better than the day before - that's my superhero.

It doesn't hurt that he knows how to carry a zero correctly either.

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