Monday, August 18, 2008

The Real Ghostbusters: Real Dicks

You might be asking yourself, "What is this? Aren't you psyched about the new game in October and the pending release of the animated series on DVD?" Absolutely, and yes I am a fan. But this does not change the fact that, from a certain perspective, the Ghostbusters are Total Dicks.

Two of the The Real Ghostbusters' biggest villains were Sandman and Sam Hain.

The Sandman (of GB continuity) is a ghost who puts people to sleep. His nefarious goal? To put everyone to sleep for awhile so the world can settle the hell down. Now, it's true that people *could* die in The Sandman's proposed 100 years of sleep, and it's also true that your dreams come to life in the 'real' world when he has you asleep – but this would only be a problem if you were awake. Since it's his goal to put EVERYONE to sleep, not a problem. Plus, typically your Sandman-dreams are pretty awesome. So Sandman's just a ghost who sees that the human world is callous, busy, and tense, and he's trying to do something to help us chill the hell out. The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. God forbid you get to sleep for a month, not lose your job because your whole town was asleep for a month, and you have a month-long dream of being royalty, a player, a tycoon or a rockstar. Or a royal-player-tycoon-rockstar, which is my personal favorite. Let's be honest people, half of America would pay to have this ghost haunt them.


Here is a picture of The Sandman dipping his 'flute' into his 'sleep dust.' I'm absolutely positive it's not a picture of him getting high on his ghost-bong. He's far too responsible to give into such… oh, who am I kidding? Ghost-busted indeed.

Sidenote: The Sandman's voice sounds like an asthmatic's inhalation, filtered through a wax-papered harmonica. Surprisingly, this is somewhat soothing.

Sam Hain is the spirit of Halloween, who obviously has a pumpkin-head because things with pumpkins for heads are awesome. His dastardly plot? To make Halloween night eternal. To take the awesomest holiday of the year and never let it end. Free candy forever, and chicks dressed as sexy things for all eternity. And this is why people worshipped him.

It would be dark forever, no sunglasses, no skin cancer, cheaper cooling bills – oh wait, no bills at all because EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN. (So I'm pretty sure Peter Steele is a fan.)

If there was a church for this guy, I would go to it. This is a ghost with an agenda I agree with, and I'd be glad to trust him with my tax-deductible gifts. Granted, if it was Halloween forever, tax-time would never roll around - but that's assuming he instantly obtains his goals - which I'm pretty sure no religion has ever done in my lifetime.

The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. I imagine you're beginning to see the pattern. This particular bust probably involves Ray, the retard of the GB, talking about how important Christmas is, or something else that's lamely Americana. Eat it Ray! And tell Winston to get off that ghost-baseball team while you're at it! Below is an image where I imagine Sam Hain is telling Ray to eat it, though using his full first name, Raymond, because Sam Hain is classy.


Sure, there were *probably* ghosts who were causing legitimate problems who were busted too, though even they typically revolved just around property damage or instilling panic. It's not my fault if you scare easily or don't have ghost insurance. In closing, not one ghost ever killed anybody in the GB world. Maybe, just maybe, Ghostbusters, we actually have a lot to learn from ghosts. Think about that, would you??

1 comment:

Scott Marley said...

Well put and very funny