Comic book character spotting! The Joker

Comic book character spotting! Ra's al Ghul

PROOF!

I inadvertently found indisputable proof that Batman exists - in the form of this statue of Ra’s Al Ghul in Tribeca.



The statue has been erroneously engraved as being a figure from Uruguayan history who supposedly died over 150 years ago. But technically Ra's could've been a figure in Uruguay's history. See, Ra’s has never let a little thing like mortality get in his way.

This is Ra's al Ghul. The Demon's Head.




And he's REAL.



And if Ra’s al Ghul is real, and I am both living and not enslaved, then I have to believe Batman is real. Because no other force on Earth could keep us safe from a man who's lived for centuries and wakes up every day continuing to choose this crazy of a hair/facial hair combo.

Please note this closeup of my amazed face.

Attention TDK Fans

Like it or not...



... Robert Smith thought of it first.

The instant I'm not looking, Batman...

I think I'll leave the clever captioning to you.

Lego Batman is Awesome

It's Lego, it's Batman, it's a new stand-alone story, and despite being cutesy, this is the best Batman video game yet - and not just because the others sucked.

It's a two-player co-op, but you can go solo and alternate controlling each character - which is nice. The AI of your buddy character is pretty top-notch too, in case you're on your own.

There's a lot of replay value, since you unlock extra suits and characters as you play that allow you to access to additional areas. Plus, if you beat the 'whole' game, you've only beaten half of it; there's a villain counterpart level to every hero level, and playing as villains is AWESOME. All the villains I've gotten so far are cool to play (except for the impractical Two-Face). I can't wait 'til I get Scarecrow, Joker, and Harley. For now, this is my free play homeboy.

Super-strength, super-jumps, AND he's Clayface.
WORD.

I'm only 1/3 of the way through, but I've already been on the receiving end of about 200% of the awesome that most games have - so a big thanks to all who worked on it.

If you have any current gaming system, do yourself a favor and pick this up!

Joker Dog...

Fact 1 - While a lifelong Bat-fan, I was not a fan of TDK movie.
Fact 2 - I am not a fan of people dressing their pets in stupid costumes.

1+2 = Fact 3, witnessed below.




This shit is available online from Target.
Serious.

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome.

If I had to describe his work with one word, it's 'kinetic.' You can't look at something he's drawn without feeling the energy behind every line just waiting to burst out from the proverbial seams.




You might remember Jeff from his run on X-Factor back in the late 90's (apx 122-136), followed by Wolverine (apx 133-138), or his work on Kaboom, Buffy, Impulse, or Marvel Mangaverse. You might even remember from way back on Newmen or Troll.

Lately Jeff's been finding work outside of comics though, well, sort of. He was character designer (and executive producer) for The Batman, he's put together a little thing for Google you might've heard about, and is now working on the Marvel animated Wolverine vs. Hulk.

All I know is, this guy is awesome. Jeff Matsuda has consistently been awesome for well over ten years now. So go buy some of his stuff; he won't disappoint!

Batman and Robin: The Eleven-Year-Late Review

Okay, so it's been well-established this is the most horrible Bat-film ever – and I'm willing to bet that this has been dissected by umpteen (my grandpa's favorite measurement) bloggers in the 11 years since its release, so I will refrain from commenting on Bat-nipples, homosexual overtones, or bludgeoning the cold references to death. But since, contrary to popular belief, I had NEVER seen this film until recent weeks, I'm giving you the shorthand of this horrible experience. I have NO idea of what to expect AT ALL, except that it will probably suck.

13 MINUTES IN... so far this movie's featured the following: ice-skating, crazy hockey villain guys, a dinosaur corpse making a living dinosaur sound when it falls apart for some reason, the same window getting shattered multiple times, surfing, The Frozenator with pretty-as-a-princess Butterfly wings (at about 7:42 in this video), a TMNT reference, and Frozenator's ice-penis rocketship. Note: refer to this as the 'cold cock,' you know – like a punch. Nothing else. Also, this section featured a Frozenator quote that's something along the lines of "Hahbeenjahs ovya doooom!"

26 MINUTES IN... Robin was TOTALLY frozen, Bane has a spiky crotch, Robin is a dick for no reason, Ivy is way porno and way over the top.

39 MINUTES IN... Frozenator is watching cartoons and making his thugs unenthusiastically sing along while he smokes some weird ice cigar (seriously), Alicia Silverstone (who is NOT Batgirl, or even an actress) appears and leaves the mansion via bed-linens strung out the window. Wow. Also, Porno Ivy waves her finger around. A lot. (She loves her some finger.)

52 MINUTES IN... Frozenator totally skips over half of the frozen newspaper's headline, speaking only three random words, "Bruce Wayne… diamonds," which I found to be the funniest part of the movie. (At least he got the three words that mattered.) Porno Ivy has a cotton-candy-ape dance, and makes a reference to that her "garden needs tending." She goes on to say that either Batman or Robin is "about to hit the honeypot." I swear to god. "About to hit the honeypot." So of course, Batman whips out his Batman American Express - because apparently she's a Bat-whore. (She's like the most disappointing experience you could have with really meeting a SuicideGirl. You think she's going to be a turbo-slut, but instead she's just really cheesy.)

Why does this movie exist?

Also, at roughly 49 minutes we nearly have the first mainstream appearance of shinshi shinshi.

AFTER 52 MINUTES… time and space have become meaningless to me, and it is no longer possible to check in at any sort of checked interval.

:56 – There are Turkish baths filled with Busta Rhymes video rejects.

1:01 – Alicia Silverstone steals a Wayne motorcycle, and a really cool song happens to be playing in the background. There is some seriously The Warriors type shit going down. Coolio makes an appearance; it really should've been Busta Rhymes to make sense (?) for the extras. Also, these guys have somehow found a way to even make Molotov cocktails suck.

They found a way to make MOLOTOV COCKTAILS SUCK.

1:03 – Why do Porno Ivy's green gardening gloves have what look like red fingernails painted on them? Why is Bane's skin green?? Porno Ivy says, "I'll help you grab your rocks." (She wants his icy balls so much that her tongue is almost stuck to them.)

1:11 – Porno Ivy makes an action figure reference, which would be breaking a wall - if there were any walls holding this thing together to begin with.

1:18 – My girlfriend asks, "Why does Bane have a fedora and a trench coat on? Are they hiding him? Is he supposed to look like Rorschach?"

I don't think they knew who Rorschach was, but even if Bane was supposed to look like The Question, it was still retarded. (Note: the idea of hiding a green-skinned luchador-masked muscle guy with tubes in the back of his head by wearing a trench coat is absolutely awesome, though sadly it is also the epitome of creativity, accidental or otherwise, in this "film.")

1:28 – the crazy hockey guys return. Sure. At this point, why not?

1:35 – Alfred Headroom. Drink New Coke and be a stockbroker. Or something. Wow. Why not just make a Noid reference?

1:37 – Porno Ivy makes a "slippery when wet" reference… regarding herself... it doesn't even give me half a boner.

1:39 – Catfight!! Including Ivy using an Ivy whip (not the cool Soulcalibur kind, but the sucky plant kind). Judging by her lilypad-pond, apparently Porno Ivy is part of the thinktank behind MXC.

1:42 – Robin's motorcycle now has one of those swamp-town airboat fans on the back of it. Apparently, Dick Grayson hails from a Southern lineage. (He's probably lackadaisically driving it down yonder a piece - to get some crawdads I reckon.)

THE CREDITS!! Thank god. My girlfriend and I tried to decide who was most at fault in the making of this monstrosity. The answer: EVERYONE BUT ALFRED.

It turns out the hockey guys were technically, "Ice Thugs." Who knew? They didn't look like thugs to me. They didn't even look like Bone Thugs.

The credits are run to BOTH Billy Corgan AND R. Kelly songs. Billy Corgan could explain the aforementioned butterfly-wings. R. Kelly could explain my vague sense of having recently been peed on. Even the credits are not a release from the sweet horror of this abysmal wreck.

Screw Psycho-Pirate, the Pied Piper and Jimmy Olsen. If the Anti-Life Equation really exists on Earth, I am CERTAIN a portion of it resides in this film. (It's a good thing Darkseid doesn't read my blog.)

So, congratulations Batman and Robin. You really made the silver screen bronze.

Superman's Lesser-Known Superpowers...

While growing up, when my friends and I would play, "What Superhero would you be?" we always added the caveat, "and you can't pick Superman." Because being Superman is cheating, since he has basically every super-power there is.

He can fly, has heat vision and cold breath, can see through things (that aren't lead), is super strong, and has super hearing. (He can even turn coal briquettes into diamonds in case he ever needs some emergency scratch.) This is probably part of why I was never much a fan of Superman - since he was given basically every single power there was, I couldn't really relate to him. A perfect-born alien who everyone wants as their son and is at least mildly propagandic? I can think of at least four reasons that isn't me. And I'm awesome.

But for all we knew of Superman's breadth of abilities back in 1984, or 1996, or even last year, little did we know of the even wider array of "super" powers at Superman's command. (Many of these pics were swiped liberally from Superdickery.com)

Super-baking! Super-landscaping!!

Super-makeup-applying!!!

Super-weaving!!!! Super-crying regarding said Super-weaving!!!!! (drawn by the awesome Frank Cho) So? Superman happens to enjoy baking and landscaping, wearing makeup, and sewing. He is also a tad weepy. But it's not like I'm trying to lead you in any certain direction here. But I should point out, lastly... (wait for it) ...Super-vacation-planning!!!!!!

So, there you have it. And Superman, let's be honest. Once you get there, it'll be Super-Gay City. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that. (Note that "Gay City" is actually underlined. Like we might not notice it otherwise.) Maybe this is all just proof of the use of Pink Kryptonite throughout history. Yes, DC Comics has a Pink Kryptonite, and yes, it turns Superman/Clark Kent gay, at least stereotypically. Don't believe me? See below.
To clear your Super-palate, marvel at Superman's poor multiplication skills! Who would've thought his secret weakness would be third-grade mathematics? (Maybe "Earth Math" is different.)

"My, he's barrel-chested!" would be a way better thought balloon.

I can't help but get the feeling that Superman's saying this with the inflection of Billy Madison when asking, "Any more BRAIN-busters?" Beautiful.

Oh! For those of you who care, in the game, I always picked Batman. Because Batman is awesome. The best villains, the best city, the best costume, toys, house, vehicles, and for all his wealth - he was still just a guy who trained himself (to combat his misery no less). If anything was his super-power, it wasn't his incredibly disciplined human body, but his mind and his determination. Dreamers can be Superman, military guys can be Green Lantern, and science guys can be Flash (who's also pretty cool). But a guy who works his ass off every day to be just a little better than the day before - that's my superhero.

It doesn't hurt that he knows how to carry a zero correctly either.

Movie Batmans, from Worst to Best

There have been many silver-screen Batmen o'er the years, and leave it to me to chronicle them according to my opinion, which is also fact. Please note, I am awarding points only in complete bats, because Bat-fractions (not to be confused with Matt Fraction) would be harmful to the general bat population.

(0/4 bats)

George Clooney. Clooney has gone on record (see: audacity) saying that while Batman is not gay, he CHOSE TO PLAY HIM THAT WAY ANYWAY. Clooney, I'm all for keeping yourself entertained to avoid suicide, (it WAS a Schumacher flick, and Schumacher was the Ratner and/or Bay of the 90's) but misplaced homosexual motivations aside – this monstrosity should NEVER have happened. (I'm referring to the Clooney part, not the gay part.) It killed Batman on-screen for eight years. This is the absolute worst possible scenario for Batman, and in Bat-mathematical terms, Clooney (who fought a cold-based villain, no less,) is a lot like absolute zero. Anything is greater than Clooney. Clooney times infinity can't even amount to a Val Kilmer, or even a mixed drink CALLED a Val Kilmer. The lime wedge IN a Val Kilmer is more Batman than you Clooney. So is the bar back who cuts it. And his knife. (BAT-DRINK!)

(1/4 bats)

Val Kilmer. Kilmer was a smug genius smartass in Real Genius and either a goof, hardass, or combination of the two in Top Gun and Tombstone. Of course, Real Genius is the only one of these movies I really remember, because the others are dramas. (All I remember about Tombstone is Lowell from Wings getting shot like 40 times in slow motion… me and all my friends shouting out, "Loooooowellllllllll!!!" as he took something like three clips straight to the torso. HARD. He later grew up to be Sandman, alongside 'That 70's Venom.') Irrelevant Tombstone memories aside, we already had vestiges of genius AND hardass going for Kilmer, so this flat-out should've been better. It probably lost a lot due to: the non-Lando-Calrissian-Harvey-Dent (continuity, people!), the abominable Jim Carrey Fire-Marshall-Riddler ("Let me ask ya somethin'!"), the fact that Tim Burton wasn't directing it, and that Val, you know, wasn't Michael Keaton. Don't feel bad Val, you beat Clooney, and you honestly had a lot more going against you. That's a victory in itself. Go listen to the soundtrack from The Saint (but don't watch it!) and treat yourself to a Val Kilmer on the rocks. You've earned it buddy.

(2/4 bats)

Christian Bale. "Blasphemy," say many of you. Well, let it be said that I am not a person who always thinks newer is better. (It's called hype, people - learn to filter it.) Sure, Bale does a decent job, but I just didn't find his Batman a convincing hero, or HIM a convincing hero. Bale would've been better as a villain, like the Marilyn Manson Riddler of Jeff Matsuda's The Batman, who's voiced by Freddy Krueger. (God, I loved typing that sentence.) There's nothing heroic about a guy who looks like Todd McFarlane. Plus he's full of himself. He had a line in a recent interview about how "some of the Batmen who came before him did an alright job," but, (he then said something like) "these were guys who dressed up in Bat-suits, they didn't become Bats." Bale, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST, MOST ARROGANT SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD. If you BECAME a Bat, you'd be Man-Bat, a villain, and you'd probably be better at that. Your mouth would emit echo-location and your poop would be made into bowls by indigenous people. Until that happens, settle the hell down. Go watch a video of you flexing while banging random whores to Genesis songs. (see: American Psycho) You do not pass Wayne Manor and you do not collect a Val Kilmer. (I love the idea that in Bat-Monopoly, the bank is a bar.) I should demote you to Kilmer, Bale. Don't think I can't do it. OK, you can stay, but ONLY since your, "all you rich people can suck it," scene in Begins was awesome. And because Ra's al Ghul isn't a real villain, so you had that working against you. (Side note: there are seven 'real' Batman villains.) But Bale, you're not getting past two bats. Since your Batmobile is (chrissakes) a tank-ified Hummer, blame the bad Bat-mileage.

(3/4 bats)

TIE: Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy.

Beetlejuice as Batman? Like pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes says, "You're DAMMMMN right." (Mr. Hayes, R.I.P.) A lot of people say Bruce Wayne should be more attractive than Keaton. I say you can be average-looking if you're ludicrously rich, let alone if you KICK SERIOUS ASS. That backhand punch? Awesome. So the looks aren't a problem for me, because he looked good AS BATMAN, and Batman is the character I pay to see. Besides, those 'really-really-good-looking' Batmen – sucked. HARD. One movie a piece for those guys, because they were tools. And Batman is not a tool, not even with a Craftsman lifetime guarantee. (Kilmer was asked back, but turned it down. And Bale-lovers, I did take into consideration Bale's been asked back for a second film. See how he's above the solo-guys, and interrupting Keaton's post?) Back to Keaton – not only did he rock that shit, he rocked that shit EVEN THOUGH THE SOUNDTRACK WAS BY PRINCE. (I like Prince, a lot actually, but seriously. Nothing about Batman says "little pan-sexual purple Jehovah's Witness dude from Minnesota.") Also, no other Batman has earned his own dessert at Taco Bell. (BAT-CARBS!)

Kevin Conroy – who? The voice of Batman from Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League, two or three other DC cartoons and movies, and YES there were Batman TAS movies, so he's in. (You've found the curveball.) Is it unfair to include him, since I'm judging him solely on his voice and have no idea what he looks like on top of that he didn't physically appear in anything? NOT AT ALL. Because his voice is THAT BATMAN. His voice is Batman enough to outweigh Clooney, Kilmer, and Bale combined. Which, if you're keeping score, totals up to Kilmer and Bale. (BAT-MATH!!)

(4/4 bats)

Adam f-ing West. Yes, there was a 60's Batman movie – and Adam West is amazingly awesome in it, just like he is in everything he's ever done. If you like Bruce Campbell, think of Adam West as his more-player uncle who taught him the ropes. West's joke-on-purpose Batman of the 60's helped revitalize the character across all genres. Hell, if BOB KANE thanked him for it then it should be good enough for you! He's got some bit role in every Bat-cartoon, works on Family Guy, etc – and do you know why? Because EVERYBODY LOVES HIM. He can grab your girlfriend's boob right in front of you, play it off like he didn't mean it, and you'll end up apologizing to him or asking him to grab her boob again so you can get a picture this time. He's THAT pimp. This is a guy with a great sense of humor, a really big heart, and is still active in the fan community. Return to the Batcave, anybody? Also 75% of 'West' is also present in 'best.' Coincidence, or providence?

And now, I must bid you adieu (like the butt-checking-out Gambit), but will leave you with this mind-bender...

And also, what could've been...

I'm Just Saying...

...I'm pretty sure Stewie from Family Guy grows up to be the Calendar Man.

Please note: if this shows up on Family Guy (or Robot Chicken), this will be at least my third idea that has been incorporated into television, and indisputable proof that Hollywood sifts through my blogs. Or at least that Seth Green or Seth McFarlane owes me a donut or something. (Seths, I like the apple orchard kind.)

The same holds true if Stewie places a colander on his head and says something like, "The Colander Man was being forgotten about, and that is unacceptable."