Monday, December 15, 2008

Attention TDK Fans

Like it or not...


... Robert Smith thought of it first.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Monday, December 1, 2008

Lego Batman is Awesome

It's Lego, it's Batman, it's a new stand-alone story, and despite being cutesy, this is the best Batman video game yet - and not just because the others sucked.

It's a two-player co-op, but you can go solo and alternate controlling each character - which is nice. The AI of your buddy character is pretty top-notch too, in case you're on your own.

There's a lot of replay value, since you unlock extra suits and characters as you play that allow you to access to additional areas. Plus, if you beat the 'whole' game, you've only beaten half of it; there's a villain counterpart level to every hero level, and playing as villains is AWESOME. All the villains I've gotten so far are cool to play (except for the impractical Two-Face). I can't wait 'til I get Scarecrow, Joker, and Harley. For now, this is my free play homeboy.
Super-strength, super-jumps, AND he's Clayface.

I'm only 1/3 of the way through, but I've already been on the receiving end of about 200% of the awesome that most games have - so a big thanks to all who worked on it.

If you have any current gaming system, do yourself a favor and pick this up!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Horror

It's Halloween, and if there's anything more terrifying than the ghouls and ghosts of, well... Ghouls and Ghosts... it is most surely, "One-of-a-kind-2008-Presidential-ticket Cabbage Patch Kids."

Nothing says 'relevant' quite like Cabbage Patch Kids. In 2008.

(Yes, these ARE on ebay, currently for a cool $635 to $3650 a piece - with 3 days left to go. In a recession.)

If bids are any form of indicator, Barack's sporting a cool $200 lead over McCain.
Does anyone else find it creepy that the McCain one actually sort of looks like him? (I mean sure, this one's a little taller, but...)
The Joe Biden one kind of looks like him too? What's with the George Washington hair? Maybe old people and babies have even more in common than I thought. And who could forget...
Cabbage Palin. Looks more like Roseanne to me.

I'll take the high road and skip over making any "box" related puns. Cuz I'm classy.

What's with her overstuffed-sausage legs? (Side note: Ex-President Clinton just texted me to say she looks "cankle-icious." How'd he know I was even writing this?)

So, if these words and images haven't brought your Halloween to a full-rolling boil of wickedry and feardom and crap-your-pants-alescence, I have one more thing up my sleeve.

(wait for it)

The composite McPalinBot.

"We're here with the open arms of mavericks who shoot wolves from helicopters, charge their children's airfare to the great state of Alaska... and who leave their faithful wives for younger, hotter, richer chicks. We'll tolerate with the best of them." Scary

(And remember - Election Day is November 4th. Tuesday. THIS TUESDAY!!)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Castle Crashers: Awesome


Castle Crashers

Not since the likes of River City Ransom has something so awesomely run-around-and-smash-whatever-moves come across the horizon. And my girlfriend will play it with me. That's about as ringing of an endorsement as I think any game can receive. $15 of xbox download points and worth every penny. (And there are animal friends. I dig the Bat that eats people's heads.)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Joker Dog...

Fact 1 - While a lifelong Bat-fan, I was not a fan of TDK movie.
Fact 2 - I am not a fan of people dressing their pets in stupid costumes.

1+2 = Fact 3, witnessed below.


This shit is available online from Target.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


While I never expected it to happen, I can now proudly say that I am the owner of (IMO) the single coolest published Juggernaut page to ever exist.



There's other cool stuff out there, sure, but you'd be hard-pressed to outshine this. Joe Madureira pencils, Tim Townsend inks, memorable title splash page, 100% frame-worthy, from the original Onslaught arc. Super-super awesome Juggernaut with stone-cold-killer-eyes.

It's really hard to believe that in the past year (more-or-less) I've been able to get 3 of the 8 'own-if-its-at-all-possible-before-I-die' pieces - even harder to believe since out of the 5 that are left I only know where 1 of them is! So a big thanks to Mr. Matsuda, Bazzana, and Thrash (which sounds like the awesomest lawfirm ever) for making these dreams become realities! And thanks to Girlfriend-of-Apocalypse for being cool with me buying them! (I WILL get you back. I promise!)

Friday, September 19, 2008

Awesomeness that Comics has Lost

Believe it or not, this isn't about how comics used to be better than they are now; this is about two artists that aren't working in comics anymore - though I really wish they were. John Hebert and Arnie Jorgensen.

John Hebert (not 'Herbert') was in comics around the mid 90's, doing work on some Punisher titles and most of the 'season two' X-Men Adventures book. (You'll know which ones he did because they're the ones that look really good.) I always hoped Marvel would move John over to a 'real' X-Men book, (he drew the best Omega Red I've ever seen) but no such luck. (He was discovered by Mike Zeck and I believe, to some degree, was a protege.) While I don't know the details, rumor has it that some shady office politics stuff went down and suddenly John's out of a job and some other guy who wasn't half as good was propped up in his place. To me, that is a HUGE loss. If things had gone a different way, we would've had 10+ years of improvement upon his already kickin in '95 style. I've talked briefly with John, and he's got a 'never say never' attitude toward the industry - so there's at least a little bit of hope that we could see this type of dynamism return to comics.


Arnie Jorgensen, to the best of my knowledge, was 'lost' to comics in the same way that Joe Madureira was - video games. Now, I love video games - and I love comics - heck, I even love video games about comics (even when they suck, which they do about 3/4 of the time)... and I totally support artists moving to a profession where they can earn more and diversify their skill sets - but it sucks for me, the comic-buying consumer who likes their comics to look cool. Arnie did work mostly on fill-in issues for the Big Two, but he'll always be a legend to me for being the guy who introduced Prometheus. He did the full interiors for the Prometheus one-shot, along with the full-interiors to the JLA issue that introduced him. Tell me we couldn't use this guy in comics today.


Sidenote: apparently I am looking for way way more villains with helmets, and with things sticking out from their helmets...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Bionic Commando: Rearmed

A picture of 'then' and 'now.'


Bionic Commando Rearmed is the best $10 I have ever spent. There are games I've spent $50-$60 on that I have not enjoyed as much as BCR - and had I known BCR was as good as it is, I'd have gladly shelled out 'real game' money for it.

The original Bionic Commando was released for the NES amidst a number of other 'soldier-shooting-stuff' games, but differed greatly in the fact that you had an extendable-robot-arm - which means it was awesome. (The game is also famous for graphic-head-explosions.) This game is so awesome, that even owning it on NES, I bought it again on GBA (on one cart with Strider - another great NES game, and Mighty Final Fight - it's $8 at Gamestop now folks!) just so I could play it 'on-the-go.'

Now, as they're revitalizing the franchise after a 20-year-break with '09's release of Bionic Commando on the next-gen consoles, they've released a downloadable game (BCR) which is essentially a remaster of the original NES game with plot aspects added to bridge the 'gap' between the original 80's game and the impeding '09 game. BCR has more logical boss battles, a better health and shooting system, hidden secrets, and rocket-launchers-that-shoot-rockets-that-are-guidable.

There is just nothing bad to say about this game. If you haven't yet, download it now. It already set records for a game in terms of first-week-download sales, and for good reason. Because it's AWESOME. (If I have this in the nursing home when I'm like 80, being old is going to rule.)

It is SO cool they're finally coming out with some 'retro' (aka 2-d) games that are awesome. In a week or so, they're releasing Mega Man 9 - and if it's even half as good as Bionic Commando Rearmed is, it's going to be a steal.

Thank you Capcom. Thank you for ruling so freaking hard.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Comic Book Dream (#1)

Last night, while sleeping on the couch (not due to any awkwardness, but to my being child-on-Christmas-Eve excited... more on that later), I had a dream. This dream involved comic books, and I now feel one step closer to being Matt Fraction. (Note to self: Being Matt Fraction would be a really good indy film. What? Somebody already did something like that? Ah well...)

My dream? Relatively simple. Me, at a run-down diner somewhere sitting across a table from... Grant Morrison. I am wearing glasses; they are hard to see through. (In real life I 'should,' but do not, wear glasses.) Grant Morrison is much nicer than I'd expect, not arrogant at all, (neither am I) and it seems like we are old friends. I am still screwing with my glasses and am wondering if Grant likes coffee. I know I would like some coffee. In the dream, Grant is not Scottish - but British. That's about it.


On the way to work this morning, Girlfriend-of-Apocalypse mentions that he might've been British because Scottish would be a hard accent for me to do in a dream. She may be onto something. In the past, my mind has gone out of its way to amaze me in dreams, especially in hilarity - situations such as 'Bront Bacon Burnt' on a GI Joe dossier/filecard in which he declares 'this stache,' and another dream where Bront punches a dude in the face like 100 times anime style. (Note: that guy must've had like 3 sets of teeth MINIMUM.) Anyway - I'm pretty sure I could've made Morrison sound like Connery, but that's a totally different kind of Scottish than he actually is.

The point being, if there is one (which there's not) that I had a dream about Grant Morrison (which does NOT mean I find him 'dreamy'). And not a lot of it made sense, and not a lot happened. Even out of what did happen, I had a hard time being able to focus it in and was left wanting. So I believe this is proof that Grant Morrison is now writing my dreams. Unless he's a psychic. Wait. Bald guy, psychic... could it be???

Friday, September 5, 2008

Cliff Chiang is Awesome

This guy draws an awesome Batman, and is a Brooklyn local (as if he needed extra 'cool' points).

I've had trouble trying to explain Cliff's work. Simple but striking designs with a noir feel like Frank Miller or Mike Mignola? Yeah, but that's not it. Incredible use of black and shadow like Tim Sale? Yeah, but that's not it. The seemingly effortless 'pop' of Paul Gulacy? Yeah, but that's not it. Incredibly sexy femme fatales like Adam Hughes? Yeah, but that's not it. Organic undetectable lines like Marcos Martin or Stephane Roux? Yeah, but that's not it.

Then I saw this and it hit me.



Cliff Chiang has an uncanny ability with staging, and also with layering - with knowing what will make a striking image (whether simple or complex) and how best to creatively and originally arrange those aspects on the printed page. He puts thought into it. He's not drawing, he's capturing your attention subtly, whispering a story you can't wait to hear.

If you can't tell, I love this guy's work.

Here's Cliff's website, (check out the 'atomic bombshells,' which are crazy awesome,)
and here's Cliff's art sales.

Some career highlights are: The Creeper, LOTDK, Detective, Human Target, The Spectre, Dr. 13, and Green Arrow/Black Canary.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Awesomeness of Goldust

Portrayed by Dustin Runnells, who wore a gold-and-black jumpsuit, matching facepaint, and donned a long straight-blonde-wig, Goldust was a character in mid-90's professional wrestling. He made references to the femme fatales of the early silver screen and one of his finishing moves, the 'Shattered Dreams,' was running across the whole ring to build up extra momentum for KICKING YOU IN THE BALLS.
(Note: the 'Shattered Dreams' is nearly the awesome equivalent of a Kevin Nash 'Jackknife Powerbomb.' God, that guy was just made to powerbomb people.)


Dustin himself is the son of Dusty Rhodes - making Goldust the 'grandson-of-a-plumba.'

Eventually Goldust (kayfabe) developed Tourette's to humorous effect, and also cut a number of awesome promos with Booker T. As much comedian as he is wrestler, Dustin Runnells deserves whatever money can buy. (He now wrestles in TNA as Black Reign.)

"Remember the name... Goldust..." is Awesome.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Some Thoughts on R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet

Rather than detail the funniest parts, thus *giving everything away* in case you haven't yet seen these for yourself... because this is something EVERYONE should see for themselves... I will merely detail why you should watch it.

It involves: pimps, midgets, gay dudes, lesbians, cops, prisoners, people passing out and/or shitting themselves, and mafia guys - all via melodies set to the tune of rampant extramarital affairs. (It's like the whole thing takes place on Cheating Day - which I'm pretty sure is Lupercale, or the Beltane festival.)

You can find out what R. Kelly would sound like as a Southern woman. You can also see what R. Kelly would look like if he was really old and fat. Or a pimp with a sp-sp-speech impediment. (I would say, "R. Kelly is like the Eddie Murphy of music videos," but that seems too complimentary to Eddie Murphy.)

Also, we find that R. Kelly (his character) sleeps with a Beretta. I had no clue the Beretta was so versatile...

R. Kelly (in real life) has gone on record to state that the series will end, and I quote, "...when the aliens say it's over." In response to this statement, I have written a brief letter to god.

Dear god,
Please let Trapped in the Closet end with aliens.
The "outer-space" kind.
Thank you god, R. Kelly, and aliens. Santa, I guess, too.
Dave of Apocalypse

Friday, August 29, 2008

My Love for Unemployed Skeletor

Not 'love' in a dirty way, but love in the sense of sheer joy.

Those of you who know me know that the last year or so hasn't exactly been good for me and mine. But, I was able to persevere. Largely because I believe that your sense of humor plays into your sense of everythings-gonna-be-okay.

So, without further ado - let me take my hat off to Unemployed Skeletor.

Flexing for my logo

I could be having the worst day in the world, and watching the dance-contest-video, the return-of-the-mack video, and/or the skeleton-of-love video can always put a smile on my face, no matter how many times I've seen them before.

Not to mention that you've vicariously introduced me to the joy that is IHOP's Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity. It's as fun to say as it is to eat!

Mr. Kevin Conn, you are a genius, and I salute you. Thank you for using your humor to make this world less crappy. It's primarily because of you, and Chris Sims at The-ISB, that I decided to make this blog - to try and add a little humor and a little levity to a world that I personally know can really, really use it.


Leprechaun 4: The Eleven-Year Late Review

Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space is far superior to all other Leprechaun films. (A total of 6.)

Surprisingly, it is even better than Leprechaun 5: 'Leprechaun in the Hood' (good idea, horrible execution), and its follow-up Leprechaun 6: 'BACK 2 tha Hood' (didn't see, as it's the sequel to 5).

The fact that 'Leprechaun in Space' got a lower IMDB score than Batman and Robin is proof that you can't trust everything that you read, even online.

This film is absolutely fantastic in its horribleness.

Lep 4

It begins with Space Marines peeing on the Leprechaun's corpse - which makes perfect sense because so many good movies begin with urination. (He died from falling on a grenade to save the life of the Space-Ho-Princess he's trying to talk into marrying him.)

Unfortunately, getting peed on is apparently a method of rebirth for ol' Lep, seeing as he later bursts loose from the groin of the guy who peed on him, while said guy is getting a handjob. I think of this as the Handjob of Death. It was preceded by such masterful lines of dialogue as, "Shake hands with the big guy," and, "Take it easy - you don't wanna hurt Mr. Snake."


And as Lep emerges from said groin, he says, "Let that be a lesson t'ye laddie. Always wear a prophylactic!" Fan-tastic.

Now might be a good time to mention that there is a disembodied-torso-guy attached to a giant robot who runs the place. His name - Dr. Mittenhand, (which I'm pretty sure is a direct shout-out to my home state of Michigan). Did I mention he turns into a giant monster spider-scorpion, which refers to himself as MittenSpider? And this isn't even the 3rd or 4th most awesome part of the movie?!?! Do read on!

Let me just take an opportunity to say that I really wish there'd been a prequel to this film called 'Mittenhand's Experiment.' Mittenhand is freakin' GOLDEN as a character. He could be on a British comedy, or a villain on MST3K, which I feel is somehow sort of the same thing.

The whole reason Lep's here is he wants his 'bride,' which the Space Marines took and handed over to Mittenhand - who is unwilling to give her over as her blood has regenerative properties. Yeah.

We have a magically-flattened-face at roughly 1:01, followed by Lep injecting Mittenhand with the serum that will lead to his imminent arachnization.

Lep has magically covered the half-robot-corporal in explosives, and then brainwashed him with Lep-magic. Believe it or not, this is where things START to really run off the rails.

The brainwashing leads to (drumroll please) the half-robot-corporal-in-drag-murderous-floor-show. There has been nothing scarier in any scary movie. Ever. (His character's name - seriously, Cpl. Metalhead Hooker... so in a sense, this is Hooker Hooker.) PS - Hooker Hooker busts out the nunchuks!!!

We find out that on the planet of Lep's Space Ho, naked boobs are a death sentence. Unlike on this planet where naked boobs are a death sentence MAYBE like half the time.

Lep gets hit with a super-growth ray and predictably turns giant-sized. Unpredictably, he looks in his pants and his eyes flare. GENIUS.

Long story short, the few remaining Space Marines save the day - but not until MittenSpider rips off Science-officer-hottie's pants for good measure, so that she's running around in a unitard-like swimsuit she just happens to wear all the time. For a brief minute it's like watching Baywatch - only with Lep and a giant Spider-Scorpion guy... which really is exactly what I think Baywatch in Space would probably be.

Mittenspider gets killed via liquid-nitrogen-murder/gunshot, which is probably how he would've wanted it.

Lep ends up getting sucked out of an airlock into space and totally exploding like crazy. The film ends with his disembodied hand floating through space - FLIPPING YOU OFF.

I'm relatively certain there's no better way to end anything.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Thoughts on Cloverfield

Everybody thought that the Cloverfield monster was going to be Godzilla or Cthulhu or something. It wasn't. But even I only just now realized that this film was part 1 of a 3 part series. Because the Cloverfield monster is...


...Tendril from Inhumanoids.

Metlar and D-Compose will be next!! (Seriously, a CGI D-Compose would be awesome. WAY more things need skulls for heads.)

If you don't believe me, please note: I'm pretty sure if you throw some nutsack-jowels and a few spider monkeys on there, you've got yourselves a Cloverfield.


Apparently, I was wrong. Cloverfield is not one of the Inhumanoids. He is, however, a ghost from the 1980s Ghostbusters cartoon that was painted a different color.


Why I Don't Trust Soy

Because it's just one christian season of mourning and a color away from being...


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Imaginary Band

This post was prompted by Chris Sims' genius article regarding the G.I. Joe Killaz, in which he references that (much like me) he is one of the guys in their mid, ok, late twenties, who spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with good band names.

While years back I'd begun a screenplay involving a band called 'My Balls,' led by frontman 'Ozzy Balls,' and whose debut and sophomore albums would be referred to as 'My Balls' and 'Your Balls,' respectively (the latter of which featuring the single 'In Charge of My Balls,' and the album's marketing campaign would consist of Ozzy Balls saying, "I couldn't live without My Balls, can you live without - 'Your Balls?') - this is simply too many ball references in one joke for it to hold up. (These are the kind of things you can ONLY learn by trial and error.)

As luck would have it, I came upon the perfect band name when at an old job where I (gasp) processed medical claims. That name?



A portmanteau of 'grave' and 'frankenstein,' Gravenstein would be a monster-themed metal-ish band, the likes of White Zombie meets something even awesomer than White Zombie. They'd all be in monster-character, would be led by Dr. Gravenstein, and their album would be titled, 'Dr. Gravenstein, I Presume?'

But back to the G.I. Joe Killaz. While I don't know the whole of their work, I can say that the haunting melodies of Eau De Cobra may well drive a straight man to ransack the perfume counter of the nearest Macy's in the hopes for the merest whiff of it. (This is a good thing.)

While Eau De Cobra was a brainwash perfume that fell into Cobra's hands, (to make Baroness irresistible to men) I really feel like it might've just been a placebo. Making a leathery-spandex-clad-hot-evil-librarian-vamp-dominatrix-with-a-mean-streak attractive to my adolescent mind would've taken about 0% secret-brainwash-perfume. 

Oh Baroness, if you'd only come a-calling...

Baroness' Lament

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Best Flavor is BLUE

"Blue is not a flavor," my girlfriend said.

Yeah. Right.

Not only IS blue a flavor, but blue is the BEST flavor.

Several flavors in 'not real' foods are better than those in 'real' foods. Have you ever had Orange Bubblicious gum? If you have, then you know it doesn't taste a damn thing like an orange, assuming you were foolish enough to actually try an orange afterward.

'Actual orange' not what they were going for. Orange gum tastes like what oranges SHOULD taste like. If we were all dead and in paradise, oranges would taste as good as Orange gum. Or the juice that fills your mouth when you get those little tiny pieces of Orange Juice gum. God those things were good. But even the greatness of artificial Orange Juice gum (which is nigh immeasurable) can't hold a candle to the awesomeness of blue. Don't believe me? Let me share with you my favorite blue drinks - all of which are at least partially frozen.

6) - Blue Icee - this is a slurpee-type drink (sort of) that's available at most Burger Kings and at a lot of movie theaters. It's frozen and it's blue, but that's all it has going for it. It's the bottom of the barrel in quality of this list. (Note: it is still awesome.)

5) Blue Otter Pops - anybody else who was raised poor had Otter Pops growing up. And not the new 'today' kind either. I'm talking about the janky, chatty Otter Pops of the 80s. Somewhat similar to Flavorice, except that with Otter Pops you felt like you could trick yourself into believe you were learning important historical facts that were based in anthropomorphized-fictitious-otters-throughout-time. They came in assortments, and this was their downfall. You'd end up eating the sucky Red ones for like a week solid until your Mom would go buy more. (Red is the opposite of blue, unless it's strawberry - which is still awesome, and actually quite similar in flavor to the majority of blue drinks.)

4) Slush Mugged Blue Gatorade - preferably Glacier Freeze. Again - anybody who grew up poor should damn well have a slush mug.

3) Blue Slurpees. There have been at least 3 kinds of blue Slurpees. I-don't-remember, Blue Raspberry, and Blue Blunder. Blue Blunder was the best. (Apparently, Slurpees are quite heavy in Nitrogen, thus blocking the bodies' absorption of nutrients. No wonder I was a fat kid.)

2) [TIE] The blue slushes at Wetzel's Pretzel's, and Blue Shaved Ice from Renaissance Festivals

1) Blue Slush Puppie. The one. The only. The original. Often imitated, never duplicated. Hard to find (the website's no help) and it's harder to find someone who'll actually serve you one - but man are these things good. You can actually feel the sugar rushing into your brain. That's the mark of quality.

6 instances of Blue being a flavor. The AWESOMEST flavor. And I'm pretty sure with that, I've proven I'm right.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome

Jeff Matsuda is Awesome.

If I had to describe his work with one word, it's 'kinetic.' You can't look at something he's drawn without feeling the energy behind every line just waiting to burst out from the proverbial seams.

Matsuda Blog

You might remember Jeff from his run on X-Factor back in the late 90's (apx 122-136), followed by Wolverine (apx 133-138), or his work on Kaboom, Buffy, Impulse, or Marvel Mangaverse. You might even remember from way back on Newmen or Troll.

Lately Jeff's been finding work outside of comics though, well, sort of. He was character designer (and executive producer) for The Batman, he's put together a little thing for Google you might've heard about, and is now working on the Marvel animated Wolverine vs. Hulk.

All I know is, this guy is awesome. Jeff Matsuda has consistently been awesome for well over ten years now. So go buy some of his stuff; he won't disappoint!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Batman and Robin: The Eleven-Year-Late Review

Okay, so it's been well-established this is the most horrible Bat-film ever – and I'm willing to bet that this has been dissected by umpteen (my grandpa's favorite measurement) bloggers in the 11 years since its release, so I will refrain from commenting on Bat-nipples, homosexual overtones, or bludgeoning the cold references to death. But since, contrary to popular belief, I had NEVER seen this film until recent weeks, I'm giving you the shorthand of this horrible experience. I have NO idea of what to expect AT ALL, except that it will probably suck.

13 MINUTES IN... so far this movie's featured the following: ice-skating, crazy hockey villain guys, a dinosaur corpse making a living dinosaur sound when it falls apart for some reason, the same window getting shattered multiple times, surfing, The Frozenator with pretty-as-a-princess Butterfly wings (at about 7:42 in this video), a TMNT reference, and Frozenator's ice-penis rocketship. Note: refer to this as the 'cold cock,' you know – like a punch. Nothing else. Also, this section featured a Frozenator quote that's something along the lines of "Hahbeenjahs ovya doooom!"

26 MINUTES IN... Robin was TOTALLY frozen, Bane has a spiky crotch, Robin is a dick for no reason, Ivy is way porno and way over the top.

39 MINUTES IN... Frozenator is watching cartoons and making his thugs unenthusiastically sing along while he smokes some weird ice cigar (seriously), Alicia Silverstone (who is NOT Batgirl, or even an actress) appears and leaves the mansion via bed-linens strung out the window. Wow. Also, Porno Ivy waves her finger around. A lot. (She loves her some finger.)

52 MINUTES IN... Frozenator totally skips over half of the frozen newspaper's headline, speaking only three random words, "Bruce Wayne… diamonds," which I found to be the funniest part of the movie. (At least he got the three words that mattered.) Porno Ivy has a cotton-candy-ape dance, and makes a reference to that her "garden needs tending." She goes on to say that either Batman or Robin is "about to hit the honeypot." I swear to god. "About to hit the honeypot." So of course, Batman whips out his Batman American Express - because apparently she's a Bat-whore. (She's like the most disappointing experience you could have with really meeting a SuicideGirl. You think she's going to be a turbo-slut, but instead she's just really cheesy.)

Why does this movie exist?

Also, at roughly 49 minutes we nearly have the first mainstream appearance of shinshi shinshi.

AFTER 52 MINUTES… time and space have become meaningless to me, and it is no longer possible to check in at any sort of checked interval.

:56 – There are Turkish baths filled with Busta Rhymes video rejects.

1:01 – Alicia Silverstone steals a Wayne motorcycle, and a really cool song happens to be playing in the background. There is some seriously The Warriors type shit going down. Coolio makes an appearance; it really should've been Busta Rhymes to make sense (?) for the extras. Also, these guys have somehow found a way to even make Molotov cocktails suck.

They found a way to make MOLOTOV COCKTAILS SUCK.

1:03 – Why do Porno Ivy's green gardening gloves have what look like red fingernails painted on them? Why is Bane's skin green?? Porno Ivy says, "I'll help you grab your rocks." (She wants his icy balls so much that her tongue is almost stuck to them.)

1:11 – Porno Ivy makes an action figure reference, which would be breaking a wall - if there were any walls holding this thing together to begin with.

1:18 – My girlfriend asks, "Why does Bane have a fedora and a trench coat on? Are they hiding him? Is he supposed to look like Rorschach?"

I don't think they knew who Rorschach was, but even if Bane was supposed to look like The Question, it was still retarded. (Note: the idea of hiding a green-skinned luchador-masked muscle guy with tubes in the back of his head by wearing a trench coat is absolutely awesome, though sadly it is also the epitome of creativity, accidental or otherwise, in this "film.")

1:28 – the crazy hockey guys return. Sure. At this point, why not?

1:35 – Alfred Headroom. Drink New Coke and be a stockbroker. Or something. Wow. Why not just make a Noid reference?

1:37 – Porno Ivy makes a "slippery when wet" reference… regarding herself... it doesn't even give me half a boner.

1:39 – Catfight!! Including Ivy using an Ivy whip (not the cool Soulcalibur kind, but the sucky plant kind). Judging by her lilypad-pond, apparently Porno Ivy is part of the thinktank behind MXC.

1:42 – Robin's motorcycle now has one of those swamp-town airboat fans on the back of it. Apparently, Dick Grayson hails from a Southern lineage. (He's probably lackadaisically driving it down yonder a piece - to get some crawdads I reckon.)

THE CREDITS!! Thank god. My girlfriend and I tried to decide who was most at fault in the making of this monstrosity. The answer: EVERYONE BUT ALFRED.

It turns out the hockey guys were technically, "Ice Thugs." Who knew? They didn't look like thugs to me. They didn't even look like Bone Thugs.

The credits are run to BOTH Billy Corgan AND R. Kelly songs. Billy Corgan could explain the aforementioned butterfly-wings. R. Kelly could explain my vague sense of having recently been peed on. Even the credits are not a release from the sweet horror of this abysmal wreck.

Screw Psycho-Pirate, the Pied Piper and Jimmy Olsen. If the Anti-Life Equation really exists on Earth, I am CERTAIN a portion of it resides in this film. (It's a good thing Darkseid doesn't read my blog.)

So, congratulations Batman and Robin. You really made the silver screen bronze.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Professor X: Fake Psychic, Psychic Dick, or Dope MC?

Has anybody else ever wondered this? If Professor X is this great psychic - why does he keep getting shot in the head? This is a guy who's been shot in the face at least twice, by X-Men no less, or at least by people claiming to be X-Men. He was shot in the face a third time by his own son!

He's like the 50 Cent of the Marvel Universe. (This should not be confused with 50 Cent's Elizabethan predecessor, 50 Pence.)

Good ol' Charlie X has been crippled and healed about 5 times (or more). He lobotomized Magneto. He turned super-evil once, so evil that people had to renumber things.

Every woman he's loved either hates him or is dead, and to be fair, while Wolverine can get away with using the 'I had no idea you were pregnant' line, it seems pretty weak from a guy who considers himself a telepath.

It seems to me the Prof. lacks even the most basic foresight, and frankly, the courtesy to even come up with a convincing lie. And the really horrible part is, if he is a telepath, he knows if you want him to lie to you and knows what lies you're willing to accept. He just ignores this, and I'm pretty sure that makes him a dick.

But more importantly, I'm thinking about Professor X imagining himself as a gangsta rapper. Below, you can enjoy his first single.
Prof X

(To the tune of 50 Cent's "In Da Club")

You can find me in the mansion, chillin' in the danger room,
Cuz I'm layin' down phat beats for all them tricks!
Won't do no dancin', even though I got that boom,
Cuz I'd rather be ridin' in my two-wheeled whip!

My life's luxury, up in West-cheddah, every one of you wants to be like me;
I've got mad ends, and I'm a trendsettah – been rollin' on spinners since '63!
Cuz I'm an o.g. - I guarantee, you ain't walked one track these wheels ain't worn.
Like Makaveli, except that I, faked my own death before 2pac was born!

Cuz' it's, Cerebros before Cerebhoes,
But no hate on hoes, because I got those,
The redhead Jean, and the White Queen,
Both fiends for my hellafied mutant lean.
Ya wanna hate on me, and call me mutie,
I'll head to outer space for some Shi'ar booty!
In the blackbird… Word.

Slippin' right on in, past their detection,
The ladies and me, that's my predilection,
You're thinkin' I'm soft cuz of natural selection,
But yo, I've got a rock hard astral projection!

Magneto, tryin' my patience, jealous of me and my dope-ass flings,
Playa-hatin, cuz he heard that I was with the Scarlet Witch and got all up inside Polaris' green!
Don't try me, tryin' to mess with my pro-fe-SO-REAL bling,
I might get evil – so evil that you'd have to renumber things!

When you hear my music, y'all should crank it,
Got a hottie training program under my lap blanket!
Ha ha!
You're Jugger-not hittin' any of that.

50 Cent of the Marvel U, ain't that somethin'?
You really woulda thought that I'da seen that comin'!
A psychic shot in the face, like nine times,
All I can say is that I blame smokin' up all those dimes!

The Brotherhood, at my door, tryin' to hate on my platinum,
But they don't, no they don't know, my records always go adamantium.
Bald Phoenix, call me Mr. So Fresh So Phat, So super Clean,
Don't need no pit bull – I've got a Wolverine...

More mutants more problems...
Word to your legal guardian....
This track is X-cellent.

Danger Room Records!!

(Side note: this has nothing to do with the rapper who calls himself Professor X. I had no clue that he even existed when I came up with this.)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Superman's Lesser-Known Superpowers...

While growing up, when my friends and I would play, "What Superhero would you be?" we always added the caveat, "and you can't pick Superman." Because being Superman is cheating, since he has basically every super-power there is.

He can fly, has heat vision and cold breath, can see through things (that aren't lead), is super strong, and has super hearing. (He can even turn coal briquettes into diamonds in case he ever needs some emergency scratch.) This is probably part of why I was never much a fan of Superman - since he was given basically every single power there was, I couldn't really relate to him. A perfect-born alien who everyone wants as their son and is at least mildly propagandic? I can think of at least four reasons that isn't me. And I'm awesome.

But for all we knew of Superman's breadth of abilities back in 1984, or 1996, or even last year, little did we know of the even wider array of "super" powers at Superman's command. (Many of these pics were swiped liberally from

Super-baking! SuperBaking Super-landscaping!!

SuperLandscaping Super-makeup-applying!!!

SuperMakeupApplying Super-weaving!!!! SuperWeaving Super-crying regarding said Super-weaving!!!!! (drawn by the awesome Frank Cho) SuperCrying So? Superman happens to enjoy baking and landscaping, wearing makeup, and sewing. He is also a tad weepy. But it's not like I'm trying to lead you in any certain direction here. But I should point out, lastly... (wait for it) ...Super-vacation-planning!!!!!!

SuperVacationPlanning So, there you have it. And Superman, let's be honest. Once you get there, it'll be Super-Gay City. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that. (Note that "Gay City" is actually underlined. Like we might not notice it otherwise.) Maybe this is all just proof of the use of Pink Kryptonite throughout history. Yes, DC Comics has a Pink Kryptonite, and yes, it turns Superman/Clark Kent gay, at least stereotypically. Don't believe me? See below. SupermanPink
To clear your Super-palate, marvel at Superman's poor multiplication skills! Who would've thought his secret weakness would be third-grade mathematics? (Maybe "Earth Math" is different.)
"My, he's barrel-chested!" would be a
way better thought balloon.

I can't help but get the feeling that Superman's saying this with the inflection of Billy Madison when asking, "Any more BRAIN-busters?" Beautiful.

Oh! For those of you who care, in the game, I always picked Batman. Because Batman is awesome. The best villains, the best city, the best costume, toys, house, vehicles, and for all his wealth - he was still just a guy who trained himself (to combat his misery no less). If anything was his super-power, it wasn't his incredibly disciplined human body, but his mind and his determination. Dreamers can be Superman, military guys can be Green Lantern, and science guys can be Flash (who's also pretty cool). But a guy who works his ass off every day to be just a little better than the day before - that's my superhero.

It doesn't hurt that he knows how to carry a zero correctly either.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Real Ghostbusters: Real Dicks

You might be asking yourself, "What is this? Aren't you psyched about the new game in October and the pending release of the animated series on DVD?" Absolutely, and yes I am a fan. But this does not change the fact that, from a certain perspective, the Ghostbusters are Total Dicks.

Two of the The Real Ghostbusters' biggest villains were Sandman and Sam Hain.

The Sandman (of GB continuity) is a ghost who puts people to sleep. His nefarious goal? To put everyone to sleep for awhile so the world can settle the hell down. Now, it's true that people *could* die in The Sandman's proposed 100 years of sleep, and it's also true that your dreams come to life in the 'real' world when he has you asleep – but this would only be a problem if you were awake. Since it's his goal to put EVERYONE to sleep, not a problem. Plus, typically your Sandman-dreams are pretty awesome. So Sandman's just a ghost who sees that the human world is callous, busy, and tense, and he's trying to do something to help us chill the hell out. The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. God forbid you get to sleep for a month, not lose your job because your whole town was asleep for a month, and you have a month-long dream of being royalty, a player, a tycoon or a rockstar. Or a royal-player-tycoon-rockstar, which is my personal favorite. Let's be honest people, half of America would pay to have this ghost haunt them.


Here is a picture of The Sandman dipping his 'flute' into his 'sleep dust.' I'm absolutely positive it's not a picture of him getting high on his ghost-bong. He's far too responsible to give into such… oh, who am I kidding? Ghost-busted indeed.

Sidenote: The Sandman's voice sounds like an asthmatic's inhalation, filtered through a wax-papered harmonica. Surprisingly, this is somewhat soothing.

Sam Hain is the spirit of Halloween, who obviously has a pumpkin-head because things with pumpkins for heads are awesome. His dastardly plot? To make Halloween night eternal. To take the awesomest holiday of the year and never let it end. Free candy forever, and chicks dressed as sexy things for all eternity. And this is why people worshipped him.

It would be dark forever, no sunglasses, no skin cancer, cheaper cooling bills – oh wait, no bills at all because EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN. (So I'm pretty sure Peter Steele is a fan.)

If there was a church for this guy, I would go to it. This is a ghost with an agenda I agree with, and I'd be glad to trust him with my tax-deductible gifts. Granted, if it was Halloween forever, tax-time would never roll around - but that's assuming he instantly obtains his goals - which I'm pretty sure no religion has ever done in my lifetime.

The Ghostbusters bust him, because they're dicks. I imagine you're beginning to see the pattern. This particular bust probably involves Ray, the retard of the GB, talking about how important Christmas is, or something else that's lamely Americana. Eat it Ray! And tell Winston to get off that ghost-baseball team while you're at it! Below is an image where I imagine Sam Hain is telling Ray to eat it, though using his full first name, Raymond, because Sam Hain is classy.


Sure, there were *probably* ghosts who were causing legitimate problems who were busted too, though even they typically revolved just around property damage or instilling panic. It's not my fault if you scare easily or don't have ghost insurance. In closing, not one ghost ever killed anybody in the GB world. Maybe, just maybe, Ghostbusters, we actually have a lot to learn from ghosts. Think about that, would you??

Friday, August 15, 2008

Movie Batmans, from Worst to Best

There have been many silver-screen Batmen o'er the years, and leave it to me to chronicle them according to my opinion, which is also fact. Please note, I am awarding points only in complete bats, because Bat-fractions (not to be confused with Matt Fraction) would be harmful to the general bat population.

(0/4 bats)


George Clooney. Clooney has gone on record (see: audacity) saying that while Batman is not gay, he CHOSE TO PLAY HIM THAT WAY ANYWAY. Clooney, I'm all for keeping yourself entertained to avoid suicide, (it WAS a Schumacher flick, and Schumacher was the Ratner and/or Bay of the 90's) but misplaced homosexual motivations aside – this monstrosity should NEVER have happened. (I'm referring to the Clooney part, not the gay part.) It killed Batman on-screen for eight years. This is the absolute worst possible scenario for Batman, and in Bat-mathematical terms, Clooney (who fought a cold-based villain, no less,) is a lot like absolute zero. Anything is greater than Clooney. Clooney times infinity can't even amount to a Val Kilmer, or even a mixed drink CALLED a Val Kilmer. The lime wedge IN a Val Kilmer is more Batman than you Clooney. So is the bar back who cuts it. And his knife. (BAT-DRINK!)

(1/4 bats)


Val Kilmer. Kilmer was a smug genius smartass in Real Genius and either a goof, hardass, or combination of the two in Top Gun and Tombstone. Of course, Real Genius is the only one of these movies I really remember, because the others are dramas. (All I remember about Tombstone is Lowell from Wings getting shot like 40 times in slow motion… me and all my friends shouting out, "Loooooowellllllllll!!!" as he took something like three clips straight to the torso. HARD. He later grew up to be Sandman, alongside 'That 70's Venom.') Irrelevant Tombstone memories aside, we already had vestiges of genius AND hardass going for Kilmer, so this flat-out should've been better. It probably lost a lot due to: the non-Lando-Calrissian-Harvey-Dent (continuity, people!), the abominable Jim Carrey Fire-Marshall-Riddler ("Let me ask ya somethin'!"), the fact that Tim Burton wasn't directing it, and that Val, you know, wasn't Michael Keaton. Don't feel bad Val, you beat Clooney, and you honestly had a lot more going against you. That's a victory in itself. Go listen to the soundtrack from The Saint (but don't watch it!) and treat yourself to a Val Kilmer on the rocks. You've earned it buddy.

(2/4 bats)


Christian Bale. "Blasphemy," say many of you. Well, let it be said that I am not a person who always thinks newer is better. (It's called hype, people - learn to filter it.) Sure, Bale does a decent job, but I just didn't find his Batman a convincing hero, or HIM a convincing hero. Bale would've been better as a villain, like the Marilyn Manson Riddler of Jeff Matsuda's The Batman, who's voiced by Freddy Krueger. (God, I loved typing that sentence.) There's nothing heroic about a guy who looks like Todd McFarlane. Plus he's full of himself. He had a line in a recent interview about how "some of the Batmen who came before him did an alright job," but, (he then said something like) "these were guys who dressed up in Bat-suits, they didn't become Bats." Bale, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST, MOST ARROGANT SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD. If you BECAME a Bat, you'd be Man-Bat, a villain, and you'd probably be better at that. Your mouth would emit echo-location and your poop would be made into bowls by indigenous people. Until that happens, settle the hell down. Go watch a video of you flexing while banging random whores to Genesis songs. (see: American Psycho) You do not pass Wayne Manor and you do not collect a Val Kilmer. (I love the idea that in Bat-Monopoly, the bank is a bar.) I should demote you to Kilmer, Bale. Don't think I can't do it. OK, you can stay, but ONLY since your, "all you rich people can suck it," scene in Begins was awesome. And because Ra's al Ghul isn't a real villain, so you had that working against you. (Side note: there are seven 'real' Batman villains.) But Bale, you're not getting past two bats. Since your Batmobile is (chrissakes) a tank-ified Hummer, blame the bad Bat-mileage.

(3/4 bats)

TIE: Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy.


Beetlejuice as Batman? Like pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes says, "You're DAMMMMN right." (Mr. Hayes, R.I.P.) A lot of people say Bruce Wayne should be more attractive than Keaton. I say you can be average-looking if you're ludicrously rich, let alone if you KICK SERIOUS ASS. That backhand punch? Awesome. So the looks aren't a problem for me, because he looked good AS BATMAN, and Batman is the character I pay to see. Besides, those 'really-really-good-looking' Batmen – sucked. HARD. One movie a piece for those guys, because they were tools. And Batman is not a tool, not even with a Craftsman lifetime guarantee. (Kilmer was asked back, but turned it down. And Bale-lovers, I did take into consideration Bale's been asked back for a second film. See how he's above the solo-guys, and interrupting Keaton's post?) Back to Keaton – not only did he rock that shit, he rocked that shit EVEN THOUGH THE SOUNDTRACK WAS BY PRINCE. (I like Prince, a lot actually, but seriously. Nothing about Batman says "little pan-sexual purple Jehovah's Witness dude from Minnesota.") Also, no other Batman has earned his own dessert at Taco Bell. (BAT-CARBS!)


Kevin Conroy – who? The voice of Batman from Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League, two or three other DC cartoons and movies, and YES there were Batman TAS movies, so he's in. (You've found the curveball.) Is it unfair to include him, since I'm judging him solely on his voice and have no idea what he looks like on top of that he didn't physically appear in anything? NOT AT ALL. Because his voice is THAT BATMAN. His voice is Batman enough to outweigh Clooney, Kilmer, and Bale combined. Which, if you're keeping score, totals up to Kilmer and Bale. (BAT-MATH!!)

(4/4 bats)


Adam f-ing West. Yes, there was a 60's Batman movie – and Adam West is amazingly awesome in it, just like he is in everything he's ever done. If you like Bruce Campbell, think of Adam West as his more-player uncle who taught him the ropes. West's joke-on-purpose Batman of the 60's helped revitalize the character across all genres. Hell, if BOB KANE thanked him for it then it should be good enough for you! He's got some bit role in every Bat-cartoon, works on Family Guy, etc – and do you know why? Because EVERYBODY LOVES HIM. He can grab your girlfriend's boob right in front of you, play it off like he didn't mean it, and you'll end up apologizing to him or asking him to grab her boob again so you can get a picture this time. He's THAT pimp. This is a guy with a great sense of humor, a really big heart, and is still active in the fan community. Return to the Batcave, anybody? Also 75% of 'West' is also present in 'best.' Coincidence, or providence?

And now, I must bid you adieu (like the butt-checking-out Gambit), but will leave you with this mind-bender...


And also, what could've been...


I'm Just Saying...

...I'm pretty sure Stewie from Family Guy grows up to be the Calendar Man.

Please note: if this shows up on Family Guy (or Robot Chicken), this will be at least my third idea that has been incorporated into television, and indisputable proof that Hollywood sifts through my blogs. Or at least that Seth Green or Seth McFarlane owes me a donut or something. (Seths, I like the apple orchard kind.)

The same holds true if Stewie places a colander on his head and says something like, "The Colander Man was being forgotten about, and that is unacceptable."


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why X-Men: The Animated Series is Awesome

For those of you who care, you already know that X-Men the Animated Series has not been released on DVD in seasons. However, a few episodes were released years back on overpriced single DVD's - and we got one of these in the mail from Netflix yesterday. Aside from a number of things that made this show awesome, our DVD included a scene of Gambit and Rogue talking in a French cafe - where Gambit checks out a girl's butt who walks by him when Rogue isn't looking. If that isn't awesome, I don't know what is. (Below is an artistic interpretation.)


My Newfound Respect for The Hulk

A couple months back, I flew out of state for a graduation. This is the story of the flights, which earned me a new respect for The Hulk, or more accurately Dr. Bruce Banner - because I now completely understand the inner struggle of a man wrestling with his own impulses to irreparably bludgeon all lifeforms within a hundred foot radius.

Flight 1 - LaGuardia to Tampa. I was sat separately from my travel companion. She was sat somewhere that I can only imagine must've been like a re-enactment of the game Candyland compared to my complete and utter shafting by God. Why? Because I was the meat in a fat sandwich.
Three seats, I'm in the middle. The lady on the left of me is fat, but we're talking acceptably fat, like weighs less than 300 lbs probably fat. The lady on the right of me is an obese space cow who reeks of Wal-Mart branded perfume splashed liberally across her Crisco-sweating rolls. Now I should point out that I don't hate fat people. I used to be a fat person (though not fat enough to be counted as "people"). However, I figure if I have to spend like $300 to get on the plane and I weigh like 170 lbs, if you weigh like 970 lbs (conservatively speaking) then you should probably have to get shipped by UPS.

Now, the positive side of this is that the flight was incredibly cold, so I kind of was thankful for her commitment to overeating, because her leftish side fat rolls served as a sort of lard blanket. As if it wasn't enough to be drowning in a sea of greasy disgustingness, in front of me were two bad kids with one lazy parent, and they had another bad kid and another lazy parent across the aisle. AND, the stewardesses were out of coffee by the time they got to me. Did I mention we got up at like 430am to get this godforsaken flight? Jesus for the love of God, jesus. I have no clue the accuracy of that sentence structure nor do I care. Roughly 3 hours later we were on the ground in Tampa, and despite its being like 100 degrees, it was insanely awesome to be able to move freely once more, and to be able to begin to attempt to shake off the faint smell of ham that had been burrowing its way into my pores. I am really glad this plane did not crash, because I'm pretty sure that one of these fatties would have eaten me even if I was still alive.

Flight 2 - two days later. We have a layover, so two planes. Hooray! I don't really remember much about this flight, though we were able to sit together. It was about 4pm. I got ENTIRELY shafted by the stewardesses again. The only thing that was keeping me sane (I hadn't eaten as I'm not willing to spend $10 on off-brand airport food - what am I, a millionaire?) was that I was going to get some little packet of cookies or something. They offered, "cookies, crackers with cheese, or peanuts." They should've said, "fake cookies that are like crackers and for ladies, wheat crackers with cheese, or peanuts." See, their "cookies," if one would be so brazen as to refer to them as such, are like biscottis that have been wiped in a cinnamon excreting raccoon's ass. Lame. Peanuts are just like really pathetic cashews, so that was a pass regardless. But cheese and crackers? Hell yeah! I'll eat that! Handi-snacks be praised! NO. These were WHEAT crackers. These are not edible by man. They will come out of your butthole with the exact same sharp inedible corners they went in with. It's essentially like putting Ohio drivers in your stomach and hoping they don't go like 5. It's never going to happen. (After the fact, since I found out that the cheese in these abysmal monstrosities wasn't even cheese - it had like wheatgrass swirled into it or some other live-forever hippie tasteless drecch horseshit. Jesus Delta, what the hell is wrong with you?) There were also bad kids in front of us on this plane. This family of Powder-ass looking blondes - again 4 kids 2 parents. High-pitched noises are overrated. And if the children are our future, the future looks a lot like rampant consumerism without any regard for hard work or responsibility. It looks like entitlement, written in the font of Hannah Montana and the Olsen Twins' logos. The future is going to suck. Thanks you punkass kids.

Flight 3 - I have since had a smoke and gotten a sandwich from Quizno's which I now believe had a secret ingredient called botulism. It was at this point that I really had to work hard to not murder people. I seriously was walking around the terminal aimlessly muttering softly to myself, "must... contain... murderous... rage," and this is why I'm sorta glad that I wasn't raised as a Soprano or something. If I thought I was untouchable, my god the pain I would bring upon this world. Anyway, the last flight was pretty good in terms of people, but the plane sat like maybe 60 people, so like every bump made you want to vomit or have your head explode or something.
The point is, if there is a point, planes suck. Fat people suck. Kids suck. All I wanted was some goddamn regular ass cheese crackers you ass-skanks. Just some regular ass cheese crackers.


Grant Morrison...

While my existence is likely unbeknownst to him, (as I have not yet executed the great My-Friend-Scott Switcheroo) Grant Morrison and I share some history.

Grant Morrison started out in comics writing things I kind of consider 'not real comics.' I know nothing about Animal Man, though it's praised now (as everything he's written is) and while I tried reading The Invisibles at an early age, it was just too tangential for me. (Too tangential FOR ME.) Too riding on the 'weird for the sake of being weird' po-mo SLC style that ran rampant in the Vertigo titles after Sandman caught on with reader-types. (Sidenote: if you want comics to read like high literature, read high literature. Don't mess up my comic books to make yourself feel cooler and less stuffy.)

Then he went to work on JLA in the 90s. JLA freakin' rocked. Here, Grant Morrison created Prometheus, possibly the only useful Batman villain created in the last 25 years, (though he did kinda copy him off an existing character) and somehow made the addition of an angel to the team not feel contrived. He even found a use for The Atom, which is pretty respectable in itself.

Then, oh then, the horror begins. New X-Men. X-Men has pretty much sucked since about 1996, definitely since 1998 without a doubt. I would say, "You ruined Magneto, you horrible bastard," but I'm unsure how much blame belongs with him and how much belongs with Editorial. Nonetheless, X-Men has continued to seriously suck thanks to his Matrix-izing of everything, (see: the X-Men films) and the confusing ruination of their greatest foe.

So, having ruined one of the two comics I loved, he's now moved on to the other, Batman. He's been writing Batman for about 2 years now and seemingly building to something, but never really making sense. People talk about what his literary aims or his overarching themes, but not a one of them can tell you what's actually happening, or even which 'Earth' it takes place on. There are two potential vague answers.

a) There is an unknown-as-to-who-it-is character called The Black Glove who is orchestrating basically everything evil, at least that's Batman related. The forerunners on the internet are: Alfred (and/or his Outsider persona), Batman himself having a split personality, Batman's father - if he isn't really dead, the Crimson Avenger (a Detective character that preceded Batman's debut), Harley Quinn, the Batman from Earth X (aka Zur En Arrh), the list goes on and on - and probably none of them are right. I won't even go into Bruce's skank of a girlfriend being named Jezebel and what that implies.

b) Grant Morrison is making Batman suck.

I will leave it up to you to decide which is correct.

All I know is that DC's saying Bruce Wayne dies, which pretty much means nothing. (Who hasn't died, especially in DC?)

There's a part of me that remembers JLA rocking the house, and really hopes Grant has a solid grasp of where he's going and to tell a story that's not stupid or irreparable. There's another part of me who remembers his chainsaw-handed sodomy of Magneto and hopes to god Editorial remembers they're working with multiple worlds right now so that they could easily just fold this one into oblivion no matter what happens.

What's important is this. Bruce Wayne, if he dies, should become the Spectre. Hal Jordan was the Spectre and he's alive again. The guy who's the Spectre now sucks ass at it (unless he's finally stepped up his game). They heavily hinted at Bruce becoming the Spectre in Infinite Crisis.

So now that I can't read X-Men anymore (thanks to Grant Morrison), I am buying Batman and Final Crisis (both written by Grant Morrison). We live in a very confusing world.

All the Golden Guys with the Horns

Okay. So DC has Magog and Gog. Both are different (?) yet related characters who look essentially the same. DC villains created with a nod to the 'golden calf' motif, as they're clothed in gold and have big shiny gold horns. In the upcoming Final Crisis, there's Satanus - who, when I first saw him I thought was Gog, or Magog. Another golden guy with horns, another DC villain. And in a conversation the other day, somebody said, "like Loki?" A Marvel villain. Who wears yellow (and green) and has yellow horns. What is with this already?