Rather than detail the funniest parts, thus *giving everything away* in case you haven't yet seen these for yourself... because this is something EVERYONE should see for themselves... I will merely detail why you should watch it.
It involves: pimps, midgets, gay dudes, lesbians, cops, prisoners, people passing out and/or shitting themselves, and mafia guys - all via melodies set to the tune of rampant extramarital affairs. (It's like the whole thing takes place on Cheating Day - which I'm pretty sure is Lupercale, or the Beltane festival.)
You can find out what R. Kelly would sound like as a Southern woman. You can also see what R. Kelly would look like if he was really old and fat. Or a pimp with a sp-sp-speech impediment. (I would say, "R. Kelly is like the Eddie Murphy of music videos," but that seems too complimentary to Eddie Murphy.)
Also, we find that R. Kelly (his character) sleeps with a Beretta. I had no clue the Beretta was so versatile...
R. Kelly (in real life) has gone on record to state that the series will end, and I quote, "...when the aliens say it's over." In response to this statement, I have written a brief letter to god.
Dear god,
Please let Trapped in the Closet end with aliens.
The "outer-space" kind.
Thank you god, R. Kelly, and aliens. Santa, I guess, too.
Sincerely,
Dave of Apocalypse
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
My Love for Unemployed Skeletor
Not 'love' in a dirty way, but love in the sense of sheer joy.
Those of you who know me know that the last year or so hasn't exactly been good for me and mine. But, I was able to persevere. Largely because I believe that your sense of humor plays into your sense of everythings-gonna-be-okay.
So, without further ado - let me take my hat off to Unemployed Skeletor.
I could be having the worst day in the world, and watching the dance-contest-video, the return-of-the-mack video, and/or the skeleton-of-love video can always put a smile on my face, no matter how many times I've seen them before.
Not to mention that you've vicariously introduced me to the joy that is IHOP's Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity. It's as fun to say as it is to eat!
Mr. Kevin Conn, you are a genius, and I salute you. Thank you for using your humor to make this world less crappy. It's primarily because of you, and Chris Sims at The-ISB, that I decided to make this blog - to try and add a little humor and a little levity to a world that I personally know can really, really use it.
THANK YOU.
Those of you who know me know that the last year or so hasn't exactly been good for me and mine. But, I was able to persevere. Largely because I believe that your sense of humor plays into your sense of everythings-gonna-be-okay.
So, without further ado - let me take my hat off to Unemployed Skeletor.
I could be having the worst day in the world, and watching the dance-contest-video, the return-of-the-mack video, and/or the skeleton-of-love video can always put a smile on my face, no matter how many times I've seen them before.
Not to mention that you've vicariously introduced me to the joy that is IHOP's Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity. It's as fun to say as it is to eat!
Mr. Kevin Conn, you are a genius, and I salute you. Thank you for using your humor to make this world less crappy. It's primarily because of you, and Chris Sims at The-ISB, that I decided to make this blog - to try and add a little humor and a little levity to a world that I personally know can really, really use it.
THANK YOU.
Leprechaun 4: The Eleven-Year Late Review
Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space is far superior to all other Leprechaun films. (A total of 6.)
Surprisingly, it is even better than Leprechaun 5: 'Leprechaun in the Hood' (good idea, horrible execution), and its follow-up Leprechaun 6: 'BACK 2 tha Hood' (didn't see, as it's the sequel to 5).
The fact that 'Leprechaun in Space' got a lower IMDB score than Batman and Robin is proof that you can't trust everything that you read, even online.
This film is absolutely fantastic in its horribleness.
It begins with Space Marines peeing on the Leprechaun's corpse - which makes perfect sense because so many good movies begin with urination. (He died from falling on a grenade to save the life of the Space-Ho-Princess he's trying to talk into marrying him.)
Unfortunately, getting peed on is apparently a method of rebirth for ol' Lep, seeing as he later bursts loose from the groin of the guy who peed on him, while said guy is getting a handjob. I think of this as the Handjob of Death. It was preceded by such masterful lines of dialogue as, "Shake hands with the big guy," and, "Take it easy - you don't wanna hurt Mr. Snake."
MR. SNAKE.
And as Lep emerges from said groin, he says, "Let that be a lesson t'ye laddie. Always wear a prophylactic!" Fan-tastic.
Now might be a good time to mention that there is a disembodied-torso-guy attached to a giant robot who runs the place. His name - Dr. Mittenhand, (which I'm pretty sure is a direct shout-out to my home state of Michigan). Did I mention he turns into a giant monster spider-scorpion, which refers to himself as MittenSpider? And this isn't even the 3rd or 4th most awesome part of the movie?!?! Do read on!
Let me just take an opportunity to say that I really wish there'd been a prequel to this film called 'Mittenhand's Experiment.' Mittenhand is freakin' GOLDEN as a character. He could be on a British comedy, or a villain on MST3K, which I feel is somehow sort of the same thing.
The whole reason Lep's here is he wants his 'bride,' which the Space Marines took and handed over to Mittenhand - who is unwilling to give her over as her blood has regenerative properties. Yeah.
We have a magically-flattened-face at roughly 1:01, followed by Lep injecting Mittenhand with the serum that will lead to his imminent arachnization.
Lep has magically covered the half-robot-corporal in explosives, and then brainwashed him with Lep-magic. Believe it or not, this is where things START to really run off the rails.
The brainwashing leads to (drumroll please) the half-robot-corporal-in-drag-murderous-floor-show. There has been nothing scarier in any scary movie. Ever. (His character's name - seriously, Cpl. Metalhead Hooker... so in a sense, this is Hooker Hooker.) PS - Hooker Hooker busts out the nunchuks!!!
We find out that on the planet of Lep's Space Ho, naked boobs are a death sentence. Unlike on this planet where naked boobs are a death sentence MAYBE like half the time.
Lep gets hit with a super-growth ray and predictably turns giant-sized. Unpredictably, he looks in his pants and his eyes flare. GENIUS.
Long story short, the few remaining Space Marines save the day - but not until MittenSpider rips off Science-officer-hottie's pants for good measure, so that she's running around in a unitard-like swimsuit she just happens to wear all the time. For a brief minute it's like watching Baywatch - only with Lep and a giant Spider-Scorpion guy... which really is exactly what I think Baywatch in Space would probably be.
Mittenspider gets killed via liquid-nitrogen-murder/gunshot, which is probably how he would've wanted it.
Lep ends up getting sucked out of an airlock into space and totally exploding like crazy. The film ends with his disembodied hand floating through space - FLIPPING YOU OFF.
I'm relatively certain there's no better way to end anything.
Surprisingly, it is even better than Leprechaun 5: 'Leprechaun in the Hood' (good idea, horrible execution), and its follow-up Leprechaun 6: 'BACK 2 tha Hood' (didn't see, as it's the sequel to 5).
The fact that 'Leprechaun in Space' got a lower IMDB score than Batman and Robin is proof that you can't trust everything that you read, even online.
This film is absolutely fantastic in its horribleness.
It begins with Space Marines peeing on the Leprechaun's corpse - which makes perfect sense because so many good movies begin with urination. (He died from falling on a grenade to save the life of the Space-Ho-Princess he's trying to talk into marrying him.)
Unfortunately, getting peed on is apparently a method of rebirth for ol' Lep, seeing as he later bursts loose from the groin of the guy who peed on him, while said guy is getting a handjob. I think of this as the Handjob of Death. It was preceded by such masterful lines of dialogue as, "Shake hands with the big guy," and, "Take it easy - you don't wanna hurt Mr. Snake."
MR. SNAKE.
And as Lep emerges from said groin, he says, "Let that be a lesson t'ye laddie. Always wear a prophylactic!" Fan-tastic.
Now might be a good time to mention that there is a disembodied-torso-guy attached to a giant robot who runs the place. His name - Dr. Mittenhand, (which I'm pretty sure is a direct shout-out to my home state of Michigan). Did I mention he turns into a giant monster spider-scorpion, which refers to himself as MittenSpider? And this isn't even the 3rd or 4th most awesome part of the movie?!?! Do read on!
Let me just take an opportunity to say that I really wish there'd been a prequel to this film called 'Mittenhand's Experiment.' Mittenhand is freakin' GOLDEN as a character. He could be on a British comedy, or a villain on MST3K, which I feel is somehow sort of the same thing.
The whole reason Lep's here is he wants his 'bride,' which the Space Marines took and handed over to Mittenhand - who is unwilling to give her over as her blood has regenerative properties. Yeah.
We have a magically-flattened-face at roughly 1:01, followed by Lep injecting Mittenhand with the serum that will lead to his imminent arachnization.
Lep has magically covered the half-robot-corporal in explosives, and then brainwashed him with Lep-magic. Believe it or not, this is where things START to really run off the rails.
The brainwashing leads to (drumroll please) the half-robot-corporal-in-drag-murderous-floor-show. There has been nothing scarier in any scary movie. Ever. (His character's name - seriously, Cpl. Metalhead Hooker... so in a sense, this is Hooker Hooker.) PS - Hooker Hooker busts out the nunchuks!!!
We find out that on the planet of Lep's Space Ho, naked boobs are a death sentence. Unlike on this planet where naked boobs are a death sentence MAYBE like half the time.
Lep gets hit with a super-growth ray and predictably turns giant-sized. Unpredictably, he looks in his pants and his eyes flare. GENIUS.
Long story short, the few remaining Space Marines save the day - but not until MittenSpider rips off Science-officer-hottie's pants for good measure, so that she's running around in a unitard-like swimsuit she just happens to wear all the time. For a brief minute it's like watching Baywatch - only with Lep and a giant Spider-Scorpion guy... which really is exactly what I think Baywatch in Space would probably be.
Mittenspider gets killed via liquid-nitrogen-murder/gunshot, which is probably how he would've wanted it.
Lep ends up getting sucked out of an airlock into space and totally exploding like crazy. The film ends with his disembodied hand floating through space - FLIPPING YOU OFF.
I'm relatively certain there's no better way to end anything.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My Thoughts on Cloverfield
Everybody thought that the Cloverfield monster was going to be Godzilla or Cthulhu or something. It wasn't. But even I only just now realized that this film was part 1 of a 3 part series. Because the Cloverfield monster is...
...Tendril from Inhumanoids.
Metlar and D-Compose will be next!! (Seriously, a CGI D-Compose would be awesome. WAY more things need skulls for heads.)
If you don't believe me, please note: I'm pretty sure if you throw some nutsack-jowels and a few spider monkeys on there, you've got yourselves a Cloverfield.
BREAKING UPDATE: 3/28/09
Apparently, I was wrong. Cloverfield is not one of the Inhumanoids. He is, however, a ghost from the 1980s Ghostbusters cartoon that was painted a different color.
Why I Don't Trust Soy
Because it's just one christian season of mourning and a color away from being...
... PEEEEEEEOPLLLLLLLE !!!!!!!
... PEEEEEEEOPLLLLLLLE !!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My Imaginary Band
This post was prompted by Chris Sims' genius article regarding the G.I. Joe Killaz, in which he references that (much like me) he is one of the guys in their mid, ok, late twenties, who spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with good band names.
While years back I'd begun a screenplay involving a band called 'My Balls,' led by frontman 'Ozzy Balls,' and whose debut and sophomore albums would be referred to as 'My Balls' and 'Your Balls,' respectively (the latter of which featuring the single 'In Charge of My Balls,' and the album's marketing campaign would consist of Ozzy Balls saying, "I couldn't live without My Balls, can you live without - 'Your Balls?') - this is simply too many ball references in one joke for it to hold up. (These are the kind of things you can ONLY learn by trial and error.)
As luck would have it, I came upon the perfect band name when at an old job where I (gasp) processed medical claims. That name?
GRAVENSTEIN.
A portmanteau of 'grave' and 'frankenstein,' Gravenstein would be a monster-themed metal-ish band, the likes of White Zombie meets something even awesomer than White Zombie. They'd all be in monster-character, would be led by Dr. Gravenstein, and their album would be titled, 'Dr. Gravenstein, I Presume?'
But back to the G.I. Joe Killaz. While I don't know the whole of their work, I can say that the haunting melodies of Eau De Cobra may well drive a straight man to ransack the perfume counter of the nearest Macy's in the hopes for the merest whiff of it. (This is a good thing.)
While Eau De Cobra was a brainwash perfume that fell into Cobra's hands, (to make Baroness irresistible to men) I really feel like it might've just been a placebo. Making a leathery-spandex-clad-hot-evil-librarian-vamp-dominatrix-with-a-mean-streak attractive to my adolescent mind would've taken about 0% secret-brainwash-perfume.
Oh Baroness, if you'd only come a-calling...
While years back I'd begun a screenplay involving a band called 'My Balls,' led by frontman 'Ozzy Balls,' and whose debut and sophomore albums would be referred to as 'My Balls' and 'Your Balls,' respectively (the latter of which featuring the single 'In Charge of My Balls,' and the album's marketing campaign would consist of Ozzy Balls saying, "I couldn't live without My Balls, can you live without - 'Your Balls?') - this is simply too many ball references in one joke for it to hold up. (These are the kind of things you can ONLY learn by trial and error.)
As luck would have it, I came upon the perfect band name when at an old job where I (gasp) processed medical claims. That name?
GRAVENSTEIN.
A portmanteau of 'grave' and 'frankenstein,' Gravenstein would be a monster-themed metal-ish band, the likes of White Zombie meets something even awesomer than White Zombie. They'd all be in monster-character, would be led by Dr. Gravenstein, and their album would be titled, 'Dr. Gravenstein, I Presume?'
But back to the G.I. Joe Killaz. While I don't know the whole of their work, I can say that the haunting melodies of Eau De Cobra may well drive a straight man to ransack the perfume counter of the nearest Macy's in the hopes for the merest whiff of it. (This is a good thing.)
While Eau De Cobra was a brainwash perfume that fell into Cobra's hands, (to make Baroness irresistible to men) I really feel like it might've just been a placebo. Making a leathery-spandex-clad-hot-evil-librarian-vamp-dominatrix-with-a-mean-streak attractive to my adolescent mind would've taken about 0% secret-brainwash-perfume.
Oh Baroness, if you'd only come a-calling...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Best Flavor is BLUE
"Blue is not a flavor," my girlfriend said.
Yeah. Right.
Not only IS blue a flavor, but blue is the BEST flavor.
Several flavors in 'not real' foods are better than those in 'real' foods. Have you ever had Orange Bubblicious gum? If you have, then you know it doesn't taste a damn thing like an orange, assuming you were foolish enough to actually try an orange afterward.
'Actual orange' not what they were going for. Orange gum tastes like what oranges SHOULD taste like. If we were all dead and in paradise, oranges would taste as good as Orange gum. Or the juice that fills your mouth when you get those little tiny pieces of Orange Juice gum. God those things were good. But even the greatness of artificial Orange Juice gum (which is nigh immeasurable) can't hold a candle to the awesomeness of blue. Don't believe me? Let me share with you my favorite blue drinks - all of which are at least partially frozen.
6) - Blue Icee - this is a slurpee-type drink (sort of) that's available at most Burger Kings and at a lot of movie theaters. It's frozen and it's blue, but that's all it has going for it. It's the bottom of the barrel in quality of this list. (Note: it is still awesome.)
5) Blue Otter Pops - anybody else who was raised poor had Otter Pops growing up. And not the new 'today' kind either. I'm talking about the janky, chatty Otter Pops of the 80s. Somewhat similar to Flavorice, except that with Otter Pops you felt like you could trick yourself into believe you were learning important historical facts that were based in anthropomorphized-fictitious-otters-throughout-time. They came in assortments, and this was their downfall. You'd end up eating the sucky Red ones for like a week solid until your Mom would go buy more. (Red is the opposite of blue, unless it's strawberry - which is still awesome, and actually quite similar in flavor to the majority of blue drinks.)
4) Slush Mugged Blue Gatorade - preferably Glacier Freeze. Again - anybody who grew up poor should damn well have a slush mug.
3) Blue Slurpees. There have been at least 3 kinds of blue Slurpees. I-don't-remember, Blue Raspberry, and Blue Blunder. Blue Blunder was the best. (Apparently, Slurpees are quite heavy in Nitrogen, thus blocking the bodies' absorption of nutrients. No wonder I was a fat kid.)
2) [TIE] The blue slushes at Wetzel's Pretzel's, and Blue Shaved Ice from Renaissance Festivals
1) Blue Slush Puppie. The one. The only. The original. Often imitated, never duplicated. Hard to find (the website's no help) and it's harder to find someone who'll actually serve you one - but man are these things good. You can actually feel the sugar rushing into your brain. That's the mark of quality.
6 instances of Blue being a flavor. The AWESOMEST flavor. And I'm pretty sure with that, I've proven I'm right.
Yeah. Right.
Not only IS blue a flavor, but blue is the BEST flavor.
Several flavors in 'not real' foods are better than those in 'real' foods. Have you ever had Orange Bubblicious gum? If you have, then you know it doesn't taste a damn thing like an orange, assuming you were foolish enough to actually try an orange afterward.
'Actual orange' not what they were going for. Orange gum tastes like what oranges SHOULD taste like. If we were all dead and in paradise, oranges would taste as good as Orange gum. Or the juice that fills your mouth when you get those little tiny pieces of Orange Juice gum. God those things were good. But even the greatness of artificial Orange Juice gum (which is nigh immeasurable) can't hold a candle to the awesomeness of blue. Don't believe me? Let me share with you my favorite blue drinks - all of which are at least partially frozen.
6) - Blue Icee - this is a slurpee-type drink (sort of) that's available at most Burger Kings and at a lot of movie theaters. It's frozen and it's blue, but that's all it has going for it. It's the bottom of the barrel in quality of this list. (Note: it is still awesome.)
5) Blue Otter Pops - anybody else who was raised poor had Otter Pops growing up. And not the new 'today' kind either. I'm talking about the janky, chatty Otter Pops of the 80s. Somewhat similar to Flavorice, except that with Otter Pops you felt like you could trick yourself into believe you were learning important historical facts that were based in anthropomorphized-fictitious-otters-throughout-time. They came in assortments, and this was their downfall. You'd end up eating the sucky Red ones for like a week solid until your Mom would go buy more. (Red is the opposite of blue, unless it's strawberry - which is still awesome, and actually quite similar in flavor to the majority of blue drinks.)
4) Slush Mugged Blue Gatorade - preferably Glacier Freeze. Again - anybody who grew up poor should damn well have a slush mug.
3) Blue Slurpees. There have been at least 3 kinds of blue Slurpees. I-don't-remember, Blue Raspberry, and Blue Blunder. Blue Blunder was the best. (Apparently, Slurpees are quite heavy in Nitrogen, thus blocking the bodies' absorption of nutrients. No wonder I was a fat kid.)
2) [TIE] The blue slushes at Wetzel's Pretzel's, and Blue Shaved Ice from Renaissance Festivals
1) Blue Slush Puppie. The one. The only. The original. Often imitated, never duplicated. Hard to find (the website's no help) and it's harder to find someone who'll actually serve you one - but man are these things good. You can actually feel the sugar rushing into your brain. That's the mark of quality.
6 instances of Blue being a flavor. The AWESOMEST flavor. And I'm pretty sure with that, I've proven I'm right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
