Mom of Apocalypse is about to get Retro Gamer

It began innocently enough, with Mom of Apocalypse saying, "Is there a system that I could buy where I could play games that make sense to me, like Frogger and Tetris?"

My mission had begun.

Immediately I'm thinking NES, because regardless of these possibly being available for WiiWare's suck download service, that'd still cost my Mom about $200 extra, and I don't want to have any hand in the sale of a Wii. The DS/GBA combo might've worked, but since the screens are so small (she is MOM of Apocalypse) and the Super GBA Adapter is hard-to-find and overpriced, I felt like that just wouldn't do with the small-screen systems. Also, I don't have to worry about her losing her job by gaming her way to unemployment on the clock that way. So yeah, we needed something we could hook to a TV. So I'm still thinking NES - but it turns out Frogger was never made for NES surprisingly. Only SNES. Which also had Tetris. SNES it was.

So far I've got the SNES mini system along with the RCA hookups and a controller with working turbo options. Arkanoid is in the mail, because I've been rocking Arkanoid DS like nonstop for weeks and it's hella simple in terms of approach. I'm pretty sure she'll "get" it, and that it'll probably take her back to our Commodore 64 days. That's right. Straight gangster.

I'm working on getting Tetris/Dr. Mario (default-mom-gaming-crack), Frogger, Bust-A-Move, and Ms. Pac Man. Are there any other Mom-games you can think of? (Other than Mario Kart?) Mom of Apocalypse is awesome, and could use a little more fun in her day-to-day.

So, it's all about to come together. And it looked like it would end innocently enough until she asked, "Is there a Ghostbusters game for Super Nintendo?" No, Mom of Apocalypse, there's not. But there WAS a port of the C64 Ghostbusters over to the regular 8-bit NES. (The Genesis Ghostbusters was super awesome, but I'm thinking that's too involved of controls for her.) Alas, it looks as though it may be beginning all over again...

Note: I fully intend to post pics of Mom of Apocalypse rocking the old-school games the next time I am in her town.

Stephane Roux is Awesome

Stephane Roux is awesome. Even if you know comic books there's a good chance you don't know who he is yet, because he hasn't really had a steady interiors gig - as he's quickly becoming a DC cover artist. While he's done some Countdown covers and a lot for Birds of Prey, he (thus far) is most notably the artist who's done the majority of the recent DC house ads, often referred to as 'anti-inspirational ads' since they're published in the format of those cheesy office-motivational posters.

So far he's done:
Libra (Injustice)
Mongul (Domination)
Hush (Envy)
Satanus (Insurrection)
Brainiac (Oppression)
Ambush Bug (Unvictorious)

Here's my favorite.



Penciller, Inker, Colorist. This guy is awesome. Don't believe me?

Go to www.frenchbulldogstudio.com, and click on 'Stephane.'

Wanna buy originals? Go to www.comicart.cc and email his art agent!

Jeff Hardy is not yet an Assassin...

Recently I've been playing Assassin's Creed, which features a ridiculous amount of the lead character (Altair, which translates roughly to 'born to shank people') jumping off of ludicrously high things - and being fine. This makes me think of Jeff Hardy.

This makes me think of how there are people who mod games for current gen systems. Why somebody hasn't developed a mod where Altair puts up the obligatory Hardy 'gunz' prior to the leap of faith is beyond me. Witness, Hardy's Creed.


(This bearded gentleman is about to feel the pain of the Shank-ton Bomb.)

It's just another example of me being ahead of the rest of humanity in terms of finding wrestling-related references in things that have nothing whatsoever to do with wrestling. Recently, Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said, "If ya smell... what Barack... is cookin" on National TV. The REAL Barack Obama. I blogged on myspace about how this should happen like half a year ago. Why?

Because I am a genius.

An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret...

This post was prompted by this story.

I'll begin by explaining 'why me.' No, I am not a woman and, despite my being far from 'normal', I do not like to dress like one (see my men's clothing post from 8/12/06). However, I am a man which, let's be honest, IS your intended market, whether directly or indirectly. I should be fish in a barrel for you. With that being said, I would like to provide some insights.

Within the last year I accompanied my girlfriend to one of your stores, who was there to buy a simple bra - and I had a good amount of free time to wander the store aimlessly while my girlfriend considered her options. NOTHING IN THE STORE even gave me half a boner! And, while I couldn't see her, my girlfriend was half naked like 30 feet away. So, Victoria's Secret - I am sending you back to boner school.

Rule 1 - Quit writing the word 'PINK' on everything (in gigantic letters no less). We know, you think you're being clever. Well, 'pink' as an entendre wasn't clever when Steven Tyler sang it like 11 years before and it damn well isn't now. We get it. Several of the things you sell touch (gasp!) vaginas. Not clever, tacky. Let me write it how you might understand it. TACKY.

Rule 2 - If you can't be simple, or classy, or elegant, at least try to be intelligent. This is a woman's body. The single most alluring, provocative, and revered form on the face of the earth. You can essentially drape it in a towel and it's hot, but you sell brown panties with pastel blue and canary yellow polka dots. No. I think not. (I swear.)

Rule 3 - If you want to be a lingerie store, SELL LINGERIE. Have the styles, colors, and sizes in stock, and employ salespeople who know where that stock is kept. Furthermore, while women love lotions and gels and other 3oz containers of paste that cost $20 and smell like exotic sea urchins from remote parts of the Mediterranean, that's not lingerie. For that matter, neither is 'sleepwear' (aka a pair of $10 sweatpants with a giant 'PINK' across the back for like $30). And why do you sell 'regular' clothes? What woman wants a $200 blazer, much less from Victoria's Secret?

Rule 4 - Get over yourselves. The article above is about how you at Victoria's Secret feel you are losing your marketbase because you're being 'too sexy,' which to me sounds like misplaced blame and/or pandering to militant right-wingers who'd prefer all women just had penises anyway (which would get in the way of their whole 'family values' movement, but they've never been that good at thinking things through, have they?). But, let's be honest Victoria's Secret. If a 28 year old guy who can get a boner in his sleep can't get one in your store, you are nowhere near being 'too sexy.' Unless of course in the sense of magnetic poles, where you've gone so far past sexy that you're actually now at 'not sexy,' or perhaps it's in the sense of the Right Said Fred song, (which is also not sexy,) and you're simply too sexy for my business.

Giving Comic Books a Bad Name

I would like to detail, briefly, some things that have happened in the last 10 or so years in comics which have greatly cheapened them to me.

1 - Grant Morrison's run on X-Men. This is the man responsible for making Beast look like a housecat. He is also the man I blame for (more on this later) annihilating any semblance of logic regarding Magneto, the X-Men's greatest villain for roughly forty years of publishing. And Morrison created Cassandra Nova too. Who's Cassandra Nova? She's a bald chick who's Professor X's unborn evil twin who he murdered in the womb but then lived in a sewer grate as psychic energy for 50 years or something while plotting her revenge. I wish I was making that up. Somebody did make that up and got paid for making it up. And his name is Grant Morrison. (I sometimes think his homepage jpg was created especially for me.) All I can think of is that Grant must've gotten into some bad peyote while he was writing this (as his prior run on JLA was pretty good). The big villain of his X-Men story arc, by the way - mold. Like as in, "dust, mold, and mildew." Asthmatics everywhere shivered as they wheezed.

2 - The creation of the Ultimate universe, which I guess I should blame Brian Michael Bendis for. It's basically establishing a continuous "What If" continuity as a way to recycle old stories with "a twist." For those of you who are not familiar with the works of M. Night Shamaylan - "twist" is a codeword for "something that sucks, and has the subtlety of a flaming chainsaw shovel." Something like "Cable is evil, only he's not, but he's Wolverine, I think." Stuff like that. Don't get me wrong, there have been cool moments in the Ultimate books, not to mention that I'll read a grocery list if it's written by Jeph Loeb (see Onslaught Reborn, discussed later on). Too, as real X-Men continuity got so thrashed by Morrison, it's fun to believe there's some universe where the X-Men aren't completely lame (which I guess is what Astonishing is for, but space is boring). And Ultimate did the right thing in terms of that they didn't UNDO the real continuity to tell these alternative stories, thank god. (Hear that, DC??) Nonetheless, the Ultimate universe has taken away creative talent from "real" books. You know, books that will still exist in five years and not be an anachronism. (Remember Nth Man, or Slapstick? How about SuperPro? Yup, I didn't think you would.)

3) Re-establishing universes in general. DC's Infinite Crisis, while employing a number of well-respected scribes working in tandem, to me is unjustifiable. When COIE hit in the 80s, the DC universe wasn't streamlined enough for new readers (even many established readers) to remember what happened in which reality - so they made ONE cohesive reality. Now we've gone from having one reality which worked for something like 20-25 years to 52ish realities. Batman has a son, for Christ's sake (who's a dick no less). Who's writing it you ask? Why it's our old friend - Grant Morrison. The one positive thing of Infinite Crisis is that DC has exclusive Morrison rights now, so he can't mess up any Marvel stuff in the foreseeable future. The one negative thing of Infinite Crisis is that Morrison has now screwed up the 1 title I care about for each company. I hope Denny O'Neil hits you in the head with a frying pan Morrison. And I hope Chris Claremont is holding you still while he does it.

4) Peter Parker sucks now more than ever. Spider-Man, the posterboy for the doubting inner-monologue in all of us (and therefore the grandfather of emo), had one thing going for him. Through all his incessant doubt and whining and his undeservingly having an incredibly hot girlfriend despite his constantly making poor decisions in general, (once he's done being indecisive) he had one phrase that kept him vaguely relevant. "With great power, comes great responsibility." He just sold his soul to Mephisto (comics' devil), which wrenches the last 20 years of continuity, in order to save Aunt May's life at the cost of his relationship with Mary Jane and/or their unborn child. Somehow or other at least one of the real Green Goblins are alive again, and the book comes out weekly now. Does selling your soul to the devil seem like a responsible decision? No. A human one, maybe, but not a responsible one. Thus, Spider-Man is now completely a nutsack. No, calling him a nutsack is too complimentary. The suckiest balls are like 'no way man, I'm cooler than Spider-Man.' JMS wrote this one, but not really. It was Joe Quesada's call.

5) Joe Quesada. As a guy I'd probably like Joe. As an artist I usually like Joe. Probably as a businessman I bet I'd like Joe. As the trustee of the few remaining remnants of the pop culture of my childhood which have not already been ruined by the uninformed profiteers of the modern media, I don't like Joe. Shy of DC's newest Crises, I'm pretty sure that everything I've discussed here has either been greenlit by, or at least not vetoed by, Joe. Remember the re-do of Age of Apocalypse, which sucked? On Joe's watch. Remember Onslaught Reborn? On Joe's watch. Remember Astonishing X-Men which takes place half in and half out of continuity? On Joe's watch. Remember Eternals? No? Good for you! (It was also on Joe's watch, featuring the 'everything has angles' artwork of John Romita Jr.) But all the Marvel movies have been on Joe's watch, and since I think Marvel views comics as monthly $3 ads for their films (which is where they make their real money) he's probably getting a thumbs up from everybody at corporate. I'm sure he cares about this stuff and has reasons for what he does. I just feel like a lot of it hasn't panned out. And how many fantastic artists have signed to DC during his tenure: Ian Churchill, the Kubert brothers, etc. That may not have any relation to anything listed above - but it does still suck.

I'm not incredibly rigid. There are changes I approve of. Skrulls all up in everything - cool. Hulk being an aboriginal guy turned space warrior, okay. Iron Man and Reed Richards being on the wrong side of a boring battle and generally being dickish - well that's just a given really. Speedball becoming some spiky-armor evil-looking guy who you might see at an S+M club on Halloween in Ybor at a Voldo look-alike contest - no problem. Wolverine being a turn-of-the-century pansy kid, which involved changing his name from Logan to James, and being the offspring of his mother's second (at least) illicit affair with the alcoholic help - why not? Captain America dying was stupid, but I have no specific problem with it as ultimately he succumbed to the outdatedness of his own ideals. (Sad.) Even Banshee dying was pointless, but at least he's a character that is kind of a C- at best. Storm marrying the Black Panther doesn't provoke my interest in the least but I'll let it slide. I'm just saying that if writers want to get "creative" in a wacky way (see "twist" above), go do it with Booster Gold, go do it with Ant-Man (or The Atom), go do it with Werewolf by Night or something, Darkhawk, Spider-Ham or somebody for chrissakes. Not the established flagship characters whose faces and logos are synonymous with your company.

Deconstruction might be all the rage right now, but sometimes a spaceship is better than the Lego pieces you put one together with.

The Birth of Apocalypse

I'm pretty sure Apocalypse is just a combination of Darkseid and Ra's Al Ghul - yet somehow he comes out cooler than both of them combined.

The Age of Apocalypse

The story: I was urged to create this blogspot thing at the behest of several people, and when creating any blog the computer makes you give your blog a name. I've previously said, "I bet anything someone puts for a blog name is a ropeless tetherball of retarded," but unfortunately 'ropeless tetherball of retarded' was already taken (see: sarcasm).

Well, it just so turned out that the AGE OF APOCALYPSE had been on my mind that day- as it had been (and rightfully so) every day since it came out in early 1995.

For those of you who don't know, the Age of Apocalypse was a four-month long crossover of the X-books which took place in an alternate dimension. Prof. Charles Xavier had died a premature death - thus rendering the Earth ripe for the picking by Apocalypse. (Because the largest obstacles are always hairless paraplegics.)

So I went back to thinking about the Age of Apocalypse and wondering how I could sum it up in one word. That word is 'awesomeness,' but as the same word is often used in any Keanu Reeves role, I knew I had to flesh it out a bit - and 'Awesomeness, whoa,' was not an option. So I wondered - why was the AoA so awesome? Because the writers and artists (and even characters) knew that out of all the components of anything, THE AWESOMENESS IS IMPORTANT. Yet, this still didn't seem to fit quite what I was going for. (After all, this blogspot account is the evolution of www.myspace.com/theawesomenessisimportant, and there's no reason to rest on laurels.)

What makes AoA so awesome, and how would I know? It's not like I was IN the Age of Apocalypse, right? Well, thanks to my good friend (and illustrator) Matt Smith, (not the famous one) Marvel's tragic oversight has been righted. Furthermore, his illustration is proof that even I would be cooler in the Age of Apocalypse. The Age of Apocalypse improves EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I'll now hand this over to Matt, who will explain his choices in character design.

Here we go, folks!!! (Matt Smith sez)

1. I didn't know if you should be a mutant or a human, so with the big robot hand, it could be a glove or your mutant power could be beefy-handedness.
2. Everybody looks like a bad-ass in a trench coat. It's a scientific fact. Yours has the groovy see-through part because I spent a lot of time working up the anatomy of the figure and didn't want to just cover it up in a coat.
3. Along with his message of peace between humans and mutants, it's a little-known fact that Charles Xavier's was also a strong voice against facial tattoos. This is evident in the world where he never existed, where something like 80% of the characters in the age of apocalypse had tattoos on their faces, you included.
4. Razors and shaving cream were among the first casualties of Apocalypse's rise to power, but beard trimmers are plentifully available on every street corner, so sculpted, Buff Bagwell sideburns are an absolute must!
5. Big-assed rivets have replaced stitches in shirt collars. Even fashion isn't safe from Apocalypse's philosophy of "only the strong survive."
6. After all of the TV stores were obliterated, a bored nation turned to the most entertaining pastime available: sit-ups.
7. It's Marvel, everybody's got a metal something now-a-days and while it would be cool to have, I wasn't about to draw you a metal nutsack. So I went to the standard fallback and gave you the pimpy metal arm.
8. The ripped torso wouldn't show it off very well, so I couldn't use the skull T-shirt I was going to use, you know, the one that made everyone in high school scared of you? Yeah, but I still have it represented in this slightly Gwar-esque belt buckle.
9. Lastly, you still get to wear your Lugz in age of apocalypse, but for some reason, if one wears boots, his pants have to be tucked into them all army style. Perhaps this offered protection from some danger not revealed in the storyline of the comics…Apoca-rattle-snakes? We may never know.

Kudos, Matt - on a job damn well done.
Couldn't have done it better myself.



For more information on the Awesomeness that is The Original Age of Apocalypse, please check out Age of Apocalypse, Volumes 1-4 (but mostly just Volume 2).