Saturday, March 17, 2012

Gangsterism: Me vs Lil Wayne

Hello folks! I am spending St. Patrick's Day, like most other days, reflecting on how awesome I am. However, in what is bound to become an annual event, I am focusing on my level of gangsterness, or gangsterism if you will, as held up against an actual gangster rapper.

Lil Wayne and I have some things in common. We both have first names that start with D. We both had fathers who didn't really come through for us and who we both want nothing to do with. We were both recognized as being bright as kids. We both really like candy. We both have what it takes to rock the mic right. Neither of us are actually named Wayne. Now that we've established some common ground....


Lil Wayne grew up in New Orleans. I grew up in Flint. Point - me.

Lil Wayne was in a gifted program in elementary school. I was roped into tutoring other kids in my regular-ass elementary school. Point - me.

Lil Wayne met the owner of Cash Money Records in 1991. In 1991, I was working under the table at a comic book store moving heavy boxes while underage. Point - me.

Lil Wayne accidentally shot himself at age 13. A lot of people would think this makes him more gangster than me because he's been shot, but those people would be wrong. Real gangsters don't accidentally shoot themselves. Point - me.

Lil Wayne was an honor student at a magnet school. My school district didn't have a magnet school, likely because they couldn't afford one. Point - me.

Lil Wayne got taken to the hospital (when he shot himself) by an off-duty police officer. Not only would a real gangster not shoot himself, but on the off-chance he did shoot himself, he would probably not go to the hospital, and definitely would not go there with the police unless he was being taken there in handcuffs. Also, a real gangster would not trust the police. I'm issuing myself a minimum of 2 points on this one.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 0, Me 7 or more)

In 1999 Lil Wayne was featured on Juvenile's Back That Azz Up. In 1999, I was trying to get chicks to back that azz up onto me while dancing to Back That Azz Up and various songs by Bootleg and The Dayton Family in Churchill's in Flint, Michigan. DRAW.

In 2005 Lil Wayne started wearing dreadlocks. I cannot grow dreadlocks. Point - Lil Wayne.

In 2007 Lil Wayne was named Rapper of the Year by The New Yorker and Workaholic of the Year by GQ magazine. Real Gangsters do not get complimentary write-ups in The New Yorker. And since the G in GQ does not stand for Gangster - that's Two Points - me.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 1, me 9 or more)

In 2009 Lil Wayne was on tracks with Madonna and Weezer. I wasn't. Two Points - me.

In 2011, Fred Durst said Lil Wayne will be on Limp Bizkit's new album. Point - me.

The label Lil Wayne is on has Drake on it. Point - me.

Lil Wayne is a practicing Christian. Point - me.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 1, me 13 or more)

Lil Wayne is involved in philanthropy. Real gangsters do not give hard earned money away. Point - me.

In 2007 Lil Wayne was arrested for getting high in NYC. I am currently contesting a ticket with the NYPD - DRAW.

In 2010 Lil Wayne was doing a term on Rikers Island. Real gangsters don't get caught. If they do, they buy their way out, or pay their lawyers to get them out of it. Point - me.

He then got let out early for good behavior. How many gangsters do you know who are known for their good behavior? Point - me.

Lil Wayne didn't show up to another hearing because he was already doing time at Rikers. Point - Lil Wayne.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 2, me 16 or more)

Lil Wayne has been sued many times for things like copyright infringement and unpaid royalties. That's got to be some of the least gangster stuff there is to get sued for. Point - me.

Lil Wayne had a beef with 50 Cent. 50 Cent is also not gangster. Point - me.

So, all-in-all, that brings us to a tally of me being statistically proven as being 9 TIMES AS GANGSTER as Lil Wayne. I'd thank you for reading, but that would not be very gangster of me.

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