Mondo? Mond-no. (And/or Mondon't).

I'm pretty sure the first thing I ever got from Mondo was a gift in 2016 of Madballs' Slobulus, Skull Face, & Horn Head released in Vinyl.  Unlike a lot of the more modern-era Madballs items, these are pitch-perfect.  If they're not from the original molds or 3D scans or something, they may as well be.  They're effing perfect.  And Madballs' original creator James Groman was involved.  Super-kudos all around.  I'm a fan.  I'm in love.  Let's go team!

I'm positive the first thing I bought myself from Mondo was the original 1:6 scale deluxe B:TAS Batman in 2017.  It was the first thing my smartphone ever showed me in an ad / news story that I wanted to buy.  "Thanks phone!"  Again, it's beautiful and all good stuff.  And I couldn't wait for them to bring out a Joker to go with him!  

So I waited.

(Over the years, they came out with 1:6 scale X-Men animated figures & 1:6 scale Masters of the Universe figures.  More recently they've come out with 1:6 scale Spider-Man animated figures & 1:6 scale Thundercats figures.  But for now, let's get back to Batman.)

They came out with (in semi-best-remembered order) Mr. Freeze.  Catwoman.  An alternate version of Batman.  A re-release of Batman (kind of undermining my first/original, thanks).  Harley Quinn.  Poison Ivy.  And maybe then they brought out Joker.  In 2022.  FIVE YEARS LATER.  But okay.  I get the 1:6 scale limited deluxe.  

And when I got the package in the mail it rattled.  (That is NOT a good sign on what's supposed to be a high-end item.)  Some of the ton of interchangeable parts had come loose, probably because they skimped on the inner packaging.  (I should note that at some time in 2022, Mondo was bought by Funko.  It seems at least plausible that was a factor.)

(If the second O has a crown, the quality might have gone down.)

I kindly complained.  I got a 20% refund.  But to say that this was disappointing - after waiting like five years and paying like $250 - is an understatement.  And knowing it was limited to 1000 total and was sold out meant a deluxe Joker that could double as a maraca was the best I could do.  There couldn't be a replacement.

I was let down.  But they handled it promptly and reasonably.  Accidents can happen to anybody, and I'd had nothing but good experiences with them previously.  So I was open to buying more stuff and just doing my best to let go of the whole Joker-getting experience.  At some point they brought out others.  Bane.  Scarecrow.  A black/white release of 3 previous characters.  Man-Bat (who was really hard to resist buying).  And a Clayface that I almost broke down and bought, but I just really dislike the way the knees are so obviously action-figure-y.

I got the Attack Peter Godzilla Museum statue.  It's awesome.  

I got the deluxe Skeletor.  Awesome.  

I saw a James Groman Reptar on some site I'd never heard of called Culturefly, so I bought that.  "Cool - maybe there's an alternative to Mondo coming up."  It turns out that Culturefly is just another offshoot/subsidiary/whatever of Mondo/Funko.  So yeah.  (And I've had some problems with Culturefly too - but anyway.)  And there's an at least similar-ish situation with Godzilla.com, but I digress.

Back to Mondo proper.  Then they're bringing out Attack Peter Godzilla vinyl figures of Mechagodzilla NOT IN SCALE with the original Attack Peter Godzilla statue.  That's a punch to the gut.

I picked up the Blue Urban Aztec Godzilla.  Beautiful.  Planned on buying the Green/Yellow one but hadn't realized it was only for sale on Godzilla.com.  And I almost paid scalper prices until I found out what looked yellow in the pictures was actually more gold.  So now the promotional hi-res photos are not necessarily accurate and/or color-matched?  WTF?

I picked up the original version of James Groman's Werewolf by Night.  Nice.  And the psychedelic variant - amazing.  BUT the package was delivered with a hole punched THROUGH THE BOX.  Thankfully it missed the figure, but it was legit sketch.  It was like somebody jousted this thing with rebar.  Which would suck no matter what.  But it wrecked the outer packaging - and for a company that prides itself on how undamageable their shipping materials are (and which I paid like $20 for it to be shipped), it's just a super-failure that it was even delivered to me in that condition.  So again I kindly complained.  I got no response from an actual person (even to this day) but I did get an email notification that they were sending me a replacement box.  Which I got and was in okay shape, so whatever.

Next up, they're bringing out The Real Ghostbusters figures.  

They originally say they're going to be 1:6 scale.  Makes sense.  They'll be really cool big, and will match the SCALE for EVERY OTHER ANIMATED FIGURE THEY'VE MADE.  Then they said, "Oh!  Um, we didn't mean 1:6, we meant 6" scale or 1:12 scale," and I'm hoping that's wrong and they bring out 1:6 guys.  NOPE.  They're coming out at 6" scale - a size that RGB figures have been made at before (if not exactly, still fairly close and definitely multiple times).  But at least they're making the 4 Ghostbusters and 4 Ghosts.  But to get the Ghosts (the characters there haven't already been toys of), you have to buy the 2-pack of one 'buster and one ghost.  You can buy just the 'buster solo.  But if you want the ghost, you have to buy the 2-pack.  At a cost of 202.00.  Which is 101.00 per figure - for a 6" scale figure.  And in the case of Sam Hain (ghost #1) he's more a poseable statue than a figure due to limited articulation.  Sam Hain's a solid pick, but damn.  I'll be tempted to pick up the Egon / Boogeyman 2-pack, because I'm 99% sure the only official Boogeyman toy for RGB that was ever made was a Toys R Us exclusive MiniMates figure.  (And I also really like Egon.)  Then they're doing Winston with Sandman.  OK.  Again, Sandman's solid, but who knows how the articulation will be.  Then lastly Ray who - ask anybody who loved these shows "Who should the 4th Ghost be?  After Sam Hain, Boogeyman, and Sandman, who is the best, scariest, creepiest character" and they will tell you "The Grundel."  I would have bought ANY Ghostbuster I didn't want in order to get a Grundel figure.  So who is the fourth ghost?  Ghash.  Who is Ghash?  Exactly.  A one-off character with a big dumb mouth that I don't even remember, probably because I blocked him out because he's so stupid.  So here you've got the size fumble, the bundling fumble, the pricing fumble, AND the ghost #4 fumble.  That's a LOT to get wrong.  I'm very let down here.

Whatevs.  I'm going to pick up the Patina Urban Aztec Godzilla and a recolored James Groman Reptar when they post their con exclusive leftovers.  

But when those go live, they don't have a link or a splash on the site.  So I had to manually look up and find the items, and I still got both added to my cart, but in the few seconds that I clicked through my already-logged-in Paypal payment via my already-logged-in Mondo cart, I was notified both items were no longer available.  HOW CAN IT BE IN MY CART AND ALSO SOLD OUT?  WHY DO YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T DEPLETE LIMITED # ITEMS AS THEY'RE ADDED INTO PEOPLE'S CARTS?

Then they have a Pink version of the Groman Reptar coming up.  

 (I really wanted this Player-Two lookin' SOB.)

So limited that they won't even say how many.  Ends up being a run of 50.  Same story.  In my cart, click to pay and I'm told it's sold out.  Within 10-15 minutes there are at least 6 posted (basically 1/8th of the entire run) for at least 2x retail on ebay.  And I tell Mondo.  AND THEY DO NOTHING.  A lot of companies will cancel orders for people who are clearly buying them to flip like instantaneously.  But they did nothing.

And their banner ads show items that've been sold out for weeks, if not months.  BOO.

So, I am no longer a fan of Mondo.  There've just been too many last straws.  I'm not issuing a flat-out ban or anything.  If Attack Peter or Urban Aztec or James Groman comes out with some cool thing that I want and it happens to be through Mondo, I'd be willing to buy it because in spite of it being Mondo, I like that artist.  I'm willing to support some of my favorite artists, even if it's through a company I've grown not particularly fond of.  But even then, I'm only buying A) limited print run items, that B) don't come with a ton of interchangeable accessories.  

And I guess I ought to be prepared for that it may arrive at least moderately rebarred. :(

Freewrite from early November (rough)

I remember you, rapt by the details of the sculptor's work, lost in wonder at the way he'd chiseled feathers from the marble, amazed by the details, the fingertips, the toenails, the little things most people would not see. I remember you.

Gangsterism: Me vs Lil Wayne

Hello folks! I am spending St. Patrick's Day, like most other days, reflecting on how awesome I am. However, in what is bound to become an annual event, I am focusing on my level of gangsterness, or gangsterism if you will, as held up against an actual gangster rapper.

Lil Wayne and I have some things in common. We both have first names that start with D. We both had fathers who didn't really come through for us and who we both want nothing to do with. We were both recognized as being bright as kids. We both really like candy. We both have what it takes to rock the mic right. Neither of us are actually named Wayne. Now that we've established some common ground....

THE GANGSTERISM FACE-OFF SHOWDOWN!!!!!!!!





Lil Wayne grew up in New Orleans. I grew up in Flint. Point - me.

Lil Wayne was in a gifted program in elementary school. I was roped into tutoring other kids in my regular-ass elementary school. Point - me.

Lil Wayne met the owner of Cash Money Records in 1991. In 1991, I was working under the table at a comic book store moving heavy boxes while underage. Point - me.

Lil Wayne accidentally shot himself at age 13. A lot of people would think this makes him more gangster than me because he's been shot, but those people would be wrong. Real gangsters don't accidentally shoot themselves. Point - me.

Lil Wayne was an honor student at a magnet school. My school district didn't have a magnet school, likely because they couldn't afford one. Point - me.

Lil Wayne got taken to the hospital (when he shot himself) by an off-duty police officer. Not only would a real gangster not shoot himself, but on the off-chance he did shoot himself, he would probably not go to the hospital, and definitely would not go there with the police unless he was being taken there in handcuffs. Also, a real gangster would not trust the police. I'm issuing myself a minimum of 2 points on this one.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 0, Me 7 or more)

In 1999 Lil Wayne was featured on Juvenile's Back That Azz Up. In 1999, I was trying to get chicks to back that azz up onto me while dancing to Back That Azz Up and various songs by Bootleg and The Dayton Family in Churchill's in Flint, Michigan. DRAW.

In 2005 Lil Wayne started wearing dreadlocks. I cannot grow dreadlocks. Point - Lil Wayne.

In 2007 Lil Wayne was named Rapper of the Year by The New Yorker and Workaholic of the Year by GQ magazine. Real Gangsters do not get complimentary write-ups in The New Yorker. And since the G in GQ does not stand for Gangster - that's Two Points - me.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 1, me 9 or more)

In 2009 Lil Wayne was on tracks with Madonna and Weezer. I wasn't. Two Points - me.

In 2011, Fred Durst said Lil Wayne will be on Limp Bizkit's new album. Point - me.

The label Lil Wayne is on has Drake on it. Point - me.

Lil Wayne is a practicing Christian. Point - me.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 1, me 13 or more)

Lil Wayne is involved in philanthropy. Real gangsters do not give hard earned money away. Point - me.

In 2007 Lil Wayne was arrested for getting high in NYC. I am currently contesting a ticket with the NYPD - DRAW.

In 2010 Lil Wayne was doing a term on Rikers Island. Real gangsters don't get caught. If they do, they buy their way out, or pay their lawyers to get them out of it. Point - me.

He then got let out early for good behavior. How many gangsters do you know who are known for their good behavior? Point - me.

Lil Wayne didn't show up to another hearing because he was already doing time at Rikers. Point - Lil Wayne.

(Score so far: Lil Wayne 2, me 16 or more)

Lil Wayne has been sued many times for things like copyright infringement and unpaid royalties. That's got to be some of the least gangster stuff there is to get sued for. Point - me.

Lil Wayne had a beef with 50 Cent. 50 Cent is also not gangster. Point - me.

So, all-in-all, that brings us to a tally of me being statistically proven as being 9 TIMES AS GANGSTER as Lil Wayne. I'd thank you for reading, but that would not be very gangster of me.

A Little Writing Exercise (Trust Me, This is Dumb)

Well, something got stuck in my head (as is a somewhat regular occurrence) and I wanted to see if I could flesh it out, just as a sort of writing exercise. I wanted to see what sort of result I could come up with if I "translated" Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" into bastardized old-timey English.

Keep in mind, this is coming from the guy who wrote the country song "Tell Me if You Love Me 'fore I Spend $400 on Cheap Whiskey Again." I also rewrote 50 Cent's "In Da Club" as though the paraplegic leader of the X-Men was rapping about his material wealth and sexual proficiency (WITH rhyme scheme, thank you very much!). My brain just likes to stretch out and play sometimes. I didn't go for rhyme scheme here at all - this was just a one-off and I wanted it to be overall clunky but generally singable to the original melody. Here goes!

(Also, please note I could do much better with the photo below if I had anything but just MSPaint on this computer.)

Sir Curtis of Aberdeen

SCENTED IN A MANNER OF PUBESCENT VIGOR

Hold fast to thine armaments, rally thine fellows.

‘tis joyous to suffer loss and masquerade.

The lady’s listless and rather cocksure.

Egads! I’ve knowledge of filthy designation.

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings!

With yon candles snuffed, ‘tis less frightful!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

Perchance I am a transmissible cretin!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

A half-breed! One devoid of pigmentation!

Sanguinary insect! My nether urges!

Yea! Yea! Yea!

I’m least proficient in that which I excel.

‘tis as if I were anointed on high.

Our bantam band has existed eternal,

and will continue until things cease.

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings!

With yon candles snuffed, ‘tis less frightful!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

Perchance I am a transmissible cretin!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

A half-breed! One devoid of pigmentation!

Sanguinary insect! My nether urges!

Yea! Yea! Yea!

I fail to recall my rationale for savoring.

Eureka! It draws my mouth open in a winsome gesture.

Observing stiffness, stiffness observes.

Anyhow, whatsoever, pay it no heed.

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings! (Fairly contemptible.)

Greetings! Greetings! Greetings!

With yon candles snuffed, ‘tis less frightful!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

Perchance I am a transmissible cretin!

Where we are presently located, make us merry!

A half-breed! One devoid of pigmentation!

Sanguinary insect! My nether urges!

Yea!

A negation! (x9)

Please note:

The scorpion has more than just eight legs.

Freewrite from July (rough)

The man at the coffeebar hovers his touchscreen. No click-clack of the keyboard necessary, just fluid motion, smooth, over glass, skimming this digital skin - that wraps the new machines that guide us through our electronic surrogate lives. We stroke the inbox, caress the message, trace the photo's edge. There are no contours, but it is safe. And we need to touch something.

"Comic Book Guy?" Not So Much

If you talk to me for even like 15 minutes at a party, you'll probably find out I know some stuff about comic books. But if you've talked to me in the last couple months, you'll probably know that I'm also realizing "comic books" are not exactly my thing.

"Blasphemy!" said the nerds and the geeks! But I don't mean it like that. Let me explain.

For a very long time, one of the shortcut qualities that people would use to introduce me was that I was a comic book guy. Not THE comic book guy, but A comic book guy. Was this somewhat accurate? Definitely. I own comic books. I own comic book t-shirts. I go to comic book conventions. Hell, I've been known to collect comic book artwork. But was I, am I, a "comic book guy?" No. This was not entirely accurate for quite some time.

THIS IS NOT ME.

Comic books and their fandom in the modern day have a lot to do with blind loyalty. They have a lot to do with buying into hype. They have a lot to do with undying favoritism. They have a lot to do with 20 and 30 and 40 year old fans (and older) arguing with others over what books and publishers and creative teams are better. It's almost like watching a political debate, where no matter what decision anybody makes, there's someone to say it's great even if it's incredibly stupid. It's almost like a religion in some ways. Blind loyalty and "spin" do not appeal to me in any way.

A SCENE FROM THE FIRST EVER COMIC CON.

Furthermore, comic books in the modern day have often become more about shock value and getting a blurb on a newsreel or creating a fervor with the fans with hyper-violence or hyper-sexuality. It comes down to, "Let's kill a hero. Let's make a super-heroine a super-slut - again." These are NOT things that I love. Often, it feels like comic books have become little more than fan-fiction for the folks who grew up reading them. That, and proving grounds for comic book movies.

I, generally, do not love the comic book movie. The last comic book movie I saw that I really thought was good was Batman with Michael Keaton in 1989. And I was 9 years old.

YEAH.

To me, movies are to comic books (quite often) the same thing that they are to fans of fiction. Ruiners. Someone I know has (or at least had) a shirt that said, "Movies, Ruining the Book since 1920," and the general sentiment of that sums up my feelings on comic book movies pretty well.

I DO love what comic books were to me growing up. Namely, stories that encourage kids to try, to persevere, to believe in themselves, that can give kids a progressive counterpoint to the smalltown worlds they grow up in, that can help get them through hard times, that can help tell them to hope. Namely, stories where the good people win every time if they try hard enough and believe in themselves - because that's what's supposed to happen in the real world even though it often doesn't, and it's nice to remember it CAN happen at least in a fake world on paper. If that starts being what comic books are again, that's when I'll love them. But it still wouldn't make me a "comic book guy."

See, we are all much more than the shortcut qualities we know each other (and ourselves) by. We are more complex. We are not just bowlers or karaoke lovers, writers or sisters, jazz dancers or experts in wine. We are not just uncles or people who quote Monty Python, not just guys who are good with a grill or people who might drink too much socially. We are people. Incredibly complex people, with layers of depth and gravity we often have no idea are inside us.

Over time, if we're not careful, we can come to see ourselves by the qualities and limitations that others (and we ourselves) put upon us - but we do ourselves and each other injustices by choosing to be so simple about it.

That's not to say we're bad people. The ability to make snap judgments or general guesses is part of how we get to know people - but when we forget to stop learning and we simply see them, or ourselves, as those generalizations we already know or accept, we make both ourselves and them something lesser. I think that everyone needs to let themselves really get to know themselves. I believe it's only then that you can ever really get to know others.

So no. I'm not a comic book guy. I worked at a comic book store for eight years growing up, and comic books got me through some hard times. But I'm not a comic book guy. I AM a guy who knows a lot about comic books - and that's something I can live with.